bit narked at PIL

[justmatureenough2bdad]

ok, so i am prob am being ABU but.....is to wrong to grump a little when every time FIL and SMIL (who i get on with fine) phone they say, come up for the weekend and then u can go home and MrsJust can stay on for the week with 7week-old DD...or they can just come up on the train....

now i have no objection to going up there and visiting and i get that they are excited (as are half-siblings (3 under-10s)) but why can't they make do with a family visit...does it not occur to them that i would then have to drive the 3 hours home on my own and then just troop off to work and come home to an empty house....i'd like to think that i'm a little bit more excited than them about DP and DD. Our first daughter was stillborn last year, so I am quite protective, but AIB unreasonable or selfish or silly?

YABU... They're excited. They want to spend time with their daughter and granddaughter & offer some 24/7 support. Maybe they think because you're out at work all week you'd like to catch up on your sleep. Maybe they think she'd rather have some company than be stuck at home all day with a small baby. I doubt it's deliberately malicious. Like anything else, have a chat between you and decide what your joint response is.

YANBU, but what does DP say? Does she actually want to stay the week? I would assume she doesn't.

Just say no, explain its too much too soon.

It depends how insistent they are. If they are just suggesting that your dp and baby spend a week with the but won't mind if they don't, then you have nothing to worry about. If they are trying to be pushy about it,then they are overstepping the mark and need to back off.

How does your dp feel about it?

DP is in 2 minds about it...she obviously wants to show off DD to extended family that live up by PIL...(which i'm totally fine with, but also as proud dad want to share in the showing off) but also doesn't want to be away from me for long....

they aren't insistent, more consistent....every time they phone!

i think they abu. you are a family. a package. if you partner or you want time appart that is fine but you are more than your partners driver, if they invite her then you should be welcome to stay too.

can you book some leave and go too?

Personally me staying with me parents for a week helps a lot. I know DH misses us but we both try and take advantage. However if my mum mentioned the offer every time we spoke it would put me off a lot and make me reluctant; mainly as anyone being so pushy probably wouldn't be that helpful.

Also 7 weeks feels very early, more like 3 months seems realistic in my view.

YANBU at all, can you get some tme off work and maybe all stay for a few days?

If it was now and then that they offered I'd say YAB a bit U. But if it's every time I can see how it'd be hard not to feel as though you're just not wanted.

It might just be though that they're just thinking about the fact that you have to work while your DW is on maternity leave and they're (presumably) retired and suggesting something that means they get more time with their daughter and new granddaughter. Perhaps haven't considered that you might feel the way you do.

I'm not sure how much older they are than you but there are generational differences in how dads are expected to react to babies - it's not that long ago that men weren't really very involved at all. They may just be assuming that you're pleased to be a dad but otherwise not particularly involved and probably quite keen on the idea of some undisturbed sleep. If that's the case you might just need to make it a bit clearer how you're feeling as the likelihood is that they've just judged it wrong and have no idea you're feeling like this.

thanks for all your comments...glad u (mostly) agree it warranted at least a 5-minute grump!

couple of further notes in response to comments - they aren't retired, FIL runs a chicken farm and is very busy...SMIL actually got laid off work end of last year and to my knowledge is not working, and can be a bit of a dragon...not really DP's ideal day-long companion...

taking leave...i took a bunch of annual leave on the back of paternity leave so i could be off for longer then, i only have a little left for the next 5 months of the holiday year and both of us would rather any time I have off, we have as an actual holiday (ie not driving for hours to visit family) ...plus the last time we went up for a weekend, I ended up supervising the kids filling in potholes in their 500meter-long dirt drive.....

okay, not grumpy anymore...stop ranting...hmm coffee-time i think

Ah.

Thought you meant John Lydon, was wondering what that scamp had done to upset you.