To feel a bit funny about the kids crying for FIL?

[BrittaPerry]

FIL is lovely, and I am being U, I know. But bear with me.

The DDs are 2 and 5, and the 2yo constantly asks when she is going round to see FIL. He gives them lifts to and from school/nursery (and if I try to do it he comes along anyway as he "might as well") and he keeps them after school for varying amounts of time - they could turn up at 3.20, they could turn up at 6.30, I have no way of knowing. He lives next door to school, I live a mile away, and he brings them home in his car. If I do the school run he kind of ambushes us anyway and invites the kids in so I can't refuse.

He feeds them snacks all the time, but doesn't see any harm in it - eg he will let them gorge on fruit until they get bad bellies, or tell me they have had tea (usually when I have it waiting for them ) and it will have been crisps, babybel, grapes, toast. he also bribes them to do everything with sweets, so they now expect it.

The odd visit and being spoiled is one thing, this is several times a week.

He lets them have unsupervised access to the internet - eg he will set them up on youtube watching a kids video, then just let them click through to whatever suggested videos they like. They also get to watch wall to wall cbeebies, for every minute that they are there.

It took me ages (and a few sulks from FIL) to convince him that the best way to deal with DD1s toileting problems wasn't to hold up her wet clothes in front of her school friends and then ban her from drinks and send her to the toilet every ten minutes. I ended up having to say that the teacher had said, as I clearly don't know how to look after a child.

We had the same thing with car seats - it took a lot of repeatedly putting my foot down, and even now he rolls his eyes when I mess about with the seat when the kids grow or whatever.

MIL is more practical, having brought up two boys herself (ie DH and BIL) but FIL worked away a lot while MIL was a sahm, and, well it was the 1970's.

I have had health problems, and the ILs have been really really helpful, so I know I am being so unreasonable it is ridiculous. I study and work, so the time the kids are being looked after is really useful, and not going out in the rain for the school run is brilliant. I just wish I knew when it would be and that I didn't always have to be the boring one who makes them go to bed and doesn't let them have cbeebies on constantly and eat random bits of food instead of meals.

Please don't lecture me, I know how ungrateful I am being, I just want to vent here. My inlaws are amazing, I'm just feeling a bit smothered I think.

I dont think yabu.
This situation would drive me crackers. It must be nice to have helpful inlaws who live locally but the way your FIL behaves wouldnt be ok with me - for all the reasons you list.
I dont think you are being ungrateful. I dont think it is unreasonable to expect that your role is a parent is to be respected over his wish to spoil them.

Unrestricted access to youtube is a nooooooo as well.

yanbu. Can you start having plans after school? maybe he can have them one daya week?

Yanbu. They are your kids, not his. Bless him for trying to help, but I think you need to pull rank! Parent surely trumps Grandparent.

I once walked in to find DD1 watching that rude version of Rainbow, pressed stop and mentioned it to the PIL, who were both shocked that anyone would do such as thing as put that on the internet.

They aren't out of touch or anything - they both use email, ebay, iplayer etc. They just don't seem to realise that not every site is safe to leave a child in front of.

Oh, I should add, to be fair, that BIL died nearly three years ago, when I was pregnant with DD2, so up till now I have been scared to rock the boat as everyone keeps telling me how good playing with the kids has been for FIL. Then I got really ill (mental health problems) and my parents are miles away (we moved over here just before BIL died) so they have been so, so helpful - I really don't know what I would have done without them.

So I feel awful thinking like this and not being 100% happy.

Sometimes a good vent is enough - and very necessary!

I think he is overstepping his boundaries and if this was just a childcare thing I would say maybe things need to be put on a more formal footing.

As there is so much background, which of course you are grateful for goes without saying, doing this is probably not a great move.

All I would say is - no matter what else is going on your FIL has no right to assume a father mentality and rights that trump your parenting choices for your children. Your DC have a father, they don't need another. If it were me I would talk to DH, explain I'm feeling undermined and even a little bit disprespected as a parent. If he's reasonable you should be able to talk everything through - decide what you are willing to let slide, what are your real sticking points and what needs to be addressed with FIL (hopefully with MIL backing). I would prob prod DH to have a discreet talk with FIL, if that didn't do the trick I would be working along lines of 'I'd like us to be on the same page as having 2 ways of doing things is actually becoming a little bit of a problem and as DCs parents here's what we have decided is best for her.'

I think it's easy to feel uncomfortable when you do feel immense gratitude to someone but you need to challenge something. Please remember though your PIL have been there for you but if they did it out of love for you guys and you have taken up their freely offered childcare as they love your DCs then neither side should have a 'debt' tally that gets taken out when a party wants their own way. If it was understood that it was a mercurial arrangement then that's different.

Time and personal services (lol) offered as a gift of love are amply repaid by sincere gratitude and thanks. You call the shots as a parent - that's not trumped by anyone having done you a favour, however significant.

It all depends if this really bothers you (obviously not the really alarming things like youtube and humiliating your daughter) or if it's just got a bit much and you feel better now.

The thing is, DH works (well, I work, but I work and study at home) so he doesn't really see what is going on so much. Plus I suppose they are his parents so he doesn't feel as uncomfortable if he disagrees with them.

DD2 had toothache tonight, I heard DH go in to her room (he was up watching the elections) and I heard that she was crying for her granda :-(

aibu to be jealous? She should be crying for her mummy :-(

I was with you until you talked about holding up wet clothes in front of school friends which is cruel and unnecessary.

Difficult for you to change things while you depend on them to help with DDs.

But allowing them to watch constant tv or constant internet and bribing with sweets the rest of the time is a pretty lazy parenting. Child rearing is easy if you never refuse them anything.

Maybe you could ensure you are doing something 'fun' for the DDs when they turn up from FILs so his home isn't so desirable. Baking/ painting/ walk in park? Maybe eldest DD will grow tired of the constant tv etc.

YANBU.

I had this problem with DP's mum, culminating in them telling DD (3) she was going on holiday with them for a week (she's never even stopped over at their house) five hours away, without even asking me. They booked it and the lot. DP was livid and we agreed that all we could do was "reboot" the relationship.

We gave DD a break from seeing DGM, and told DP told his mum that basically, the sweets and telly are ok,as it's only once or twice a week, but anything else requires joint consultation.

Oh, and she's not going on holiday!

As for your situation, I think nicnoc has hit it on the head. See if you can get a set time for him to bring them back, which might help you to start with.

Maybe if you say to him that tea is at 6pm or whenever, can he make sure they are back by that time.
Also set certain days so there is no confusion.

Tv and sweets is tricky, my DM and my in laws love to give my DCs whatever they want, it's a perk of being grandparents apparently.
Maybe ask to limit to one snack as they need to eat when they get home, kind of drive home the health benefit side of things- ie you want to make sure they are eating lots of fruit and veg at tea time, so they are healthy, you don't want them to have fillings at a young age etc, might make him feel as if he is helping to keep them healthy, after all, he might disregard you but you can't argue with a dentist!!

Unrestricted Internet a big no though, my DM and MIL have net nanny on the computer the DCs use at my request as its all too easy for children to click on the wrong thing.