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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be frustrated at people being pissed off at me

49 replies

Emmielu · 28/04/2012 21:02

For not being able to drive? I either get the 'ooh that's a real shame. It would make things so much easier for you & make you more independent & less relying on others' or the 'well there's gotta be something you can do instead of using excuses.'

There's a reason I can't drive & I hate telling people why. I have epilepsy. Yes I take meds for it. No they don't always work. No I don't know when I'm having a fit. Yes I go all out with the shaking, biting tounge sometimes vomit. It's far too expensive for me to drive. Insurance will be awful. I have to go a year on meds without a fit.

My god I'd love to be healthy & normal & drive & I do hate asking for lifts. I even hate it when people offer but what else can I do? Turn down the offers, opt for public transport if any is there. I just feel like I'm a lost low life & that without driving I have nothing to offer for life.

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 28/04/2012 21:05

You shouldnt feel bad about telling people the extremely valid reason why you cant drive. It would certainly shut them up and help them to understand why.

YANBU for getting frustrated, but YABU for not telling them why. Epilepsy is nothing to be ashamed or embarassed about, and if you were to have a fit whilst in their company, they would be more likely to be prepared and able to help you.

2rebecca · 28/04/2012 21:06

If you don't drive though you have to think about the money you save on not buying a car ? £1000 a yesr, not insuring and taxing a car £400 a year, not buying fuel for a car £500 a year and convert that into £2000 a year to spend on taxis rather than asking for lifts. yes taxis seem expensive per trip but compared to the often hidden costs of running a car they can be very cheap.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 28/04/2012 21:07

Maybe if they knew the reason why they would be able to understand better?

You obviously shouldn't feel you have to tell people about something personal that you woudo rather keep to yourself, but if there are people that you ask for lifts from that seem to be getting pissed off with you, telling them the reason might be a better option.

AgentZigzag · 28/04/2012 21:08

I don't drive and have no valid reason not to other than I don't trust the other maniacs drivers on the road, and nobody's ever commented on it.

You must just be unlucky, who's saying it and in what context?

To make you feel like a low life you're taking their comments as fact, tell the person to bog off and don't listen to such twaddle

Original poster

Emmielu · 28/04/2012 21:08

The cost of my friends old corsa scares me so imagine the cost if I drove! I just don't think it's worth me trying to establish. In my eyes it's a luxury. Most importantly I'd hate to be driving, have a fit & injure or worse kill someone.

OP posts:

HeathRobinson · 28/04/2012 21:09

You could just say that you can't drive for medical reasons.
And if they ask why, just say you'd rather not talk about it?

comedycentral · 28/04/2012 21:09

It's awful that you are feeling so low :-( I hope you are OK. I don't have anything brilliant to say to be honest.

tyler80 · 28/04/2012 21:10

YANBU

OH has epilepsy and therefore doesn't drive. People often make comments usually centred around the idea that 'real men drive and don't get driven around by women' .

AgentZigzag · 28/04/2012 21:11

'And if they ask why, just say you'd rather not talk about it?'

You mean 'And if they ask, just tell them to mind their own fucking business'?

FruitPastillesForever · 28/04/2012 21:12

You have a very valid reason, obviously, as you know, so don't worry about it.

Bunbaker · 28/04/2012 21:12

I agree with squeaky There is nothing to be ashamed of. I don't judge people for not driving. I admit that some tree huggers people's smuggery about not driving irritates me, but you have a very valid reason for not driving.

HerrenatheHHHarridan · 28/04/2012 21:12

'I just feel like I'm a lost low life & that without driving I have nothing to offer for life.'

That is SO untrue it hurts a little bit. It doesn't sound like you're associating with very nice people if they make remarks like that TBH.

I'd suggest if you meet anyone new who asks you this, simply tell them the cost of running a car puts you off. And if they mention convenience you can bring up the convenience of having an extra £500 (roughly) to play with each year...

I know what you mean about hating to ask for help though. Nevertheless, when people ask me for a hand I am usually happy to oblige and so I imagine they feel the same way if I ask them.

It sounds like your condition has really got you feeling down :(

HeathRobinson · 28/04/2012 21:13

Zig

Original poster

Emmielu · 28/04/2012 21:15

Good point Heath.

Squeaky - I never used to be ashamed it's only been learning about what triggers my fits over the 5 1/2 years that's made me feel ashamed of not being able to do more than I expected. Not going clubbing or drinking too much I can cope with but it's things like staying up too late, forgetting to snack, having a period & having kids. (saying that I'm sure most women would be grateful for no periods ) they're all things I risk having a fit over. & yet they're all things people my age (20) can do.

OP posts:

TattyDevine · 28/04/2012 21:16

My brother doesn't drive, by choice, sort of a "lifestyle" choice, and has commented jokingly in the past that he'd almost rather say he had a drink driving conviction and that's why he doesn't have a licence rather than just simply admit he's never wanted to drive or go for his test, because as a man in his 30's that would be more "rock and roll"! He's joking of course but it just goes to show how much pressure and how silly it is.

YANBU

SauvignonBlanche · 28/04/2012 21:16

Sorry, but YABU.
I have epilepsy and ad to surrender my licence twice. It's nothing to be ashamed of.
I can drive now having been fit-free for a while but still mention my epilepsy if I hear anyone talking about it in my work, as a nurse. I think w need to normalise this condition.

KateSpade · 28/04/2012 21:18

im exactly the same op

I cant drive till January, and when i can i plan to drive till i am blue in the face.

I'm not ashamed or upset to have Epilepsy, im always open and honest about it. I recently had to have 10 stitches in my face because i had a fit, and hit my head on a brick. Bruised eyes and swollen face, i went out round town a week later! Dont be upset, the way i look at it, its not something that is in anyway my fault and i cant change it. It could be a lot worse! People usually ask me questions, rather than be embarrased/feel sorry for me.

Chin up OP.

Original poster

Emmielu · 28/04/2012 21:19

Tyler80 - now that's just down right awful for your dh! but it does get you down. You don't feel normal. Weird as that sounds.

OP posts:

KateSpade · 28/04/2012 21:20

Sauvignon Just read your post.

Why do you think we need to normalise it? I think its pretty well out their and i dont think ive ever had a bad re-action from it. Most people understand what it is, or ask questions if they dont?

People usually always call an Ambulance after ive had a fit, which is the thing that annoys me the most.

Or have i got the wrong end of the stick?

LST · 28/04/2012 21:43

I don't drive. And I have no reason. I just don't want too!

Tell them they'd be able go in holibobs every year with the money they'd save

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 28/04/2012 21:43

Do you always insist on giving petrol money and doing return favours? If so, the people you think are pissed of with you are probably just not very nice people. If you don't do those things, you should.

mamalovesmojitos · 28/04/2012 22:01

you poor thing. YADNBU. Definitely agree with an above poster that if u say something snappy like 'I can't for medical reasons, which i don't like to talk about' then that should shut people up. Not that you need an excuse! Driving is great but it's not for everybody and it costs a bloody fortune.

PenelopePipPop · 28/04/2012 22:07

Sauvignon I agree it is helpful to explain what epilepsy is if you feel able but I don't think any one is under an obligation to normalise it. I have poorly controlled partial epilepsy and often it makes me feel rubbish, I'd hate anyone to think I had some kind of social obligation to provide public health education about my condition as well as just y'know cope with it. If you can manage that I genuinely appreciate your efforts and well done but I don't think the OP or anyone else should feel guilty if she can't.

In my case not being able to drive was much easier to cope with because I was a tree-hugging hippy before I had epilepsy so I had a license but we didn't have a car and still don't. Never needed lifts anywhere, just lived life without a car.

As for the OP YANBU but you do sound very down. Epilepsy can be really draining especially if your meds are not working well. Are you getting good support from your epi nurse? And are you making use of all the help you can get with public transport (railcard, buspass, access to work taxis)?

startail · 28/04/2012 22:36

UANBU to feel you should be able to keep your medical history private.
However to me learning to drive was like learning to breath you just did.
I couldn't imagine anyone, who could vaguely afford it, not doing.

Where I lived there was No public transport everyone had driving lessons for their 17th.

So if I meet an adult who doesn't drive, I wonder why. Perhaps I shouldn't, but I would. Also the two non drivers I can think of are very open about having borderline eyesight and feeling they wouldn't be safe.

One of them is one of my dearest friends and it's because I used to run her home that we spent so many late nights chattering.

KateSpade · 28/04/2012 22:38

penelope nice name btw
i dont want to hi-jack the thread, but i had a question about the railcard? I thought the only traincard you could get was a disabled one, that entitles whomever your with to travel for free as they act as your carer? Is their a different one?
Also, what is access to work taxis? do you mean taxi's provided by the company you work for or is this something different i havn't heard of?

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