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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To never speak to her again?

23 replies

Sookeh · 28/04/2012 19:23

My mother kindly agreed to watch the children for me today and tonight as I have bi-polar and have really, really struggled this week. I feel like the worst mother in the world and am having relationship problems with their father so needed a day to talk to him and sort the house out.

Spent 15 pounds getting there in a taxi this morning with both children 14 months and 3 with highchair and all of the gear for my son. When we arrived and she was slurring her words and generally behaving quite oddly. I got a call from my sister who invited me to a party and I said I'd think about going (without having any real intention of going but I didn't feel like explaining about the depressive period I'm having to my sister at the time).

Upon hearing this my mother totally lost it and accused me, in front of my 4 year old and my partner of dropping the children off so that I could go and get pissed and do drugs. I repeatedly told her I had no intention of going to the party but she wouldn't listen and kept hurling abuse at me. She told me I am a bad mother and a druggy. I've never touched drugs!

My DD has been hysterical about it all day as well as calling me and her father "druggies". She says I have no business being out without my partner so I can have sex with strangers! In front of my DD! We're all out 30 pounds for taxis that we couldn't afford.

Even if my mother was drunk, how could she get drunk when she said these things, how could she get drunk when she knew she was going to be looking after the two children?

She has now proceeded to tell everyone in my family it was all my fault and I've been getting awful text messages all day for no reason at all. My partner was also verbally abused.

I'm so hurt and so livid and I genuinely don't feel like I can ever speak to her again.

Sorry this was so long.

OP posts:
kaylouise2184 · 28/04/2012 19:28

How awful for you, thats terrible I don't think your being unreasonalbe I would want an apology and an explanation x

AgentZigzag · 28/04/2012 19:34

If this is a one off, then I would be totally worried about her and wondering what was going on for her to behave in such a way.

If it's not, then I wouldn't give it much thought beyond kicking yourself for forgetting you can't rely on her, the people she's said it to will know she's 'like that' and won't think anything of it.

Which one is she?

Sookeh · 28/04/2012 19:39

She's done similar things before but it was a long time ago and she's always sworn to me she doesn't drink when the children are with her.

I just thought we were past all that Sad

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squeakytoy · 28/04/2012 19:41

I would be worried about someone who was clearly pissed in a morning... that is not a great sign, and would indicate an ongoing issue, not a one off.

Sookeh · 28/04/2012 19:45

She has had drinking problems in the past and we've all tried to help.

It's not that I'm not worried because I am, but I'm just so hurt as well.

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AgentZigzag · 28/04/2012 19:57

In a way you have a 'right' to be hurt she made the decision to drink knowing full well she was having your DC over, but you must know the nature of the beast that is alcoholism, ie it's never in the past as such, and she's less control over her decisions than someone who's not an alcoholic.

Is there something that's maybe kicked her off on behaving like this?

And why have your rellies been shitty with you if she has a past of behaving like this?

So I think saying that, even if she has a past with alcohol, I would still be worried about her state of mind. Could you just absorb the shit your rellies are giving you, let it wash over you and ask your mum what's going on?

Sookeh · 28/04/2012 20:00

I could ask her but I'd have to be the "bigger" person and call her first and I'm just too angry and hurt to do that. I don't think her being drunk is an excuse for doing it in front of the children and making them cry.

She's made some story up to my other family members no doubt.

I just don't know what to do.

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kitty4paws · 28/04/2012 20:02

is she unwell e.g. "something" in her brain.

Dont know thsat much about it tbh but suck things can make people have episodes where they slur words and are abusive and say things that are out of character.

Sorry for you and DD

kitty4paws · 28/04/2012 20:02

oh b**ls SUCH not Suck

MsPaperbackWriter · 28/04/2012 20:03

Is she bi-polar? I would think this may be the case?

AgentZigzag · 28/04/2012 20:11

If you don't know what to do, I would personally give it some time and decide when you're not so (understandably) angry?

You might feel more like talking to her in a few days time, or she might contact you?

Sookeh · 28/04/2012 20:14

She isn't bi-polar but has terribly bad PMS.

I think I'll just have to leave it a few days. The thing is I'm sure something like this will happen again and I'll be expected to forgive her again because she's "not in control" of herself.

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Squeegle · 28/04/2012 20:16

Is she a recovering alcoholic, has she fallen off the wagon? If so, then try and forget the details of what she has said,don't take it personally, keep the kids away until you know what's what.

Alcoholics say a lot of rubbish, and if she has been drinking in the morning it sounds like rubbish here!

So sorry that this has reared its ugly head again if this is the case. Look after yourself, don't waste your anger here. it's not personal.

Sookeh · 28/04/2012 21:00

She's not really recovering but doesn't drink nearly as much as she used to. I was stupid and am stupid to have trusted age wouldn't be drinking when looking after them.

I know I'll end up forgiving her but it just feels like she'll always be able to do this and "get away with it" as it were because everyone just feels sorry for her.

I have zero idea how I've become the bad guy in all of this Sad.

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GrahamTribe · 28/04/2012 21:11

Your DM was clearly in no fit state to care for your children and if you'd walked away immediately you noticed that she was slurring her words it wouldn't have happened. You know what to do if there's ever a next time that you come across her drunk, don't you?

Sookeh · 28/04/2012 21:15

I don't know, actually, that's part of the reason I'm so upset.

I should have walked away yes but I didn't want to get into an argument (which backfired spectacularly).

I wouldn't have let her watch the children though and would have said something but things all kicked off before I could go about leaving without offending anyone.

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bejeezus · 28/04/2012 21:17

I think she attacked you so that she could be sure that you wouldn't leave the kids there, and she could carry on drinking. Sounds like an alcoholic tactic.

Totally projecting my own experiences of my alcoholic family member-so if I'm way off the mark, then what sqeegle said

bejeezus · 28/04/2012 21:20

Do you go to Al-Anon? Can I suggest you get some support from them. It will help you are you ate NOT 'the bad guy in all this'

Sookeh · 28/04/2012 21:46

That's a good point Bejeezus, I'd not considered that but I'm not sure she was consciously doing that IYSWIM?

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iceandsliceplease · 28/04/2012 21:54

I've got no advice to offer, but wanted to say YADNBU to feel how you do. You're in no way at fault for this, and it must feel doubly hard that you're already struggling and now have more crap to deal with.

Be kind to yourself, comfort eat, listen to music, watch crap telly... just do something that will feel reassuring for you. That was always what my nurse therapist used to tell me after I'd had an upset, and it's always helped. I usually have a massive sandwich and a lot of biscuits Smile

Sookeh · 28/04/2012 21:57

Already started on the comfort eating Ice! Grin

I'll leave it a couple of days and see how things are. DP just wants nothing more to do with her Sad

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Groovee · 28/04/2012 22:02

I have a mother like this. Invited us for dinner, wasn't answering texts or anything and when I finally got in touch, I told dh I thought she'd been drinking. She was in a right state when we got there and she worried me tbh and dd kept asking Granny why she was being ridiculous, which my mum went mental about, so we left.

Sookeh · 28/04/2012 22:33

Sorry you've had to deal with this too Sad

I'm just so worried and upset about it all.

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