To think my friend isn't coping and needs help

[Crazyfatmamma]

I have a very good friend with two children aged 5 and 2, who since the birth of her youngest daughter has appeared to not cope very well. She appears to struggle with her oldest dds behaviour and seems quite dismissive of her younger child. The health visitors have appeared to notice and recommended parenting classes, my friend become very upset about this, dismissed what they said and didn't go to any of the recommended classes. She has since avoided the clinic, also in her younger dd developmental review her slow development was noticed as she could barely sit up and a follow up appointment was made for the following month which she refused to go to. Recently all she has done is scream and shout at her oldest dd for anything and everything , she gets right in to her face screaming and pointing at her whilst at other times her child's behaviour is ignored even when she is doing something very naughty. Her family aren't around she doesn't get on with her mother and has never known her father. Her husband works long hours running a construction firm and rarely helps out even with simple chores. She also used to take pride in her house and used to cook lovely meals now however only the basics are done and she does things like jam on toast for tea. Every time her friends have tried to help she appears defensive and dismissive and it seems to make things worse. I know she needs some support but don't know how to go about it! This has been going on for 2 years now and things aren't getting any better, am I unreasonable to try and help knowing I could be making things worse, And if so how do I go about it?

Oh wow sounds tricky. It seems you are coming from a place of genuine concern.

Have you talked to the husband or has he basically disengaged?

I think all you can do is talk to her. If that doesn't work, highlight your concerns with the HV, which I imagine they will take seriously given their previous advice.

Did she tell you about what the Hv said, and if so, how did she say it. In a shocked, embarassed, angry way?

Good luck and I hope everything works out OK

It sounds like she may be depressed, possibly PND never diagnosed and left to fester. Well done HV, parenting classes obviously the best solution, not .

If you're not coping and others comment on it, particularly the state of your house or your parenting, even with a view to helping, it can be very difficult to handle as it is very embarrassing. She may feel you as friends disapprove too.

Maybe you can see if she is willing to discuss the possibility of depression?

I agree with madmouse - my HV was useless in dealing with PND.Bloody parenting classes for someone who is not coping? WTAF? Ok if they dont have the capacity but your friend isnt incapable, she is struggling because she is depressed. I remember my HV advising me to ask my DP to take my DD (a baby) out on a sunday so i could have a cook and freeze day - err, yeah, that helped with my suicidal feelings

Do you have a surestart/homestart in your area, they can offer practical and non judgemental support to mums who are struggling, they are nothing to do with SS so your friend needen't feel judged. Might be worth making that suggestion.

You sound like a great friend, just continue to be there for her, it means so much to have someone who doesnt judge

Was going to suggest GP too.

What is the husband like? Is talking to him likely to make things worse?

We had a similar situation with my sister although GP was useless. I eventually persuaded her to go to another doctor who was also a homeopath. He gave her a homeopathic remedy which did something! But I think the main thing he did was listen. Her own GP just gave her pills that weren't helping and upped her dose if she went back.

Thanks all, to be honest myself my husband my friend and her husband were very all very close at one point we used to go on holidays and day trips and spent loads of time with each other but this has all changed since her second dd was born, she has become quite withdrawn and has put a stop to it so we don't see them in a social context together anymore and so I don't feel I would be able to talk to him really without her finding out. When she originally told me about the parenting classes she appeared both surprised and upset and has since then avoided any contact with health visitors.
Also whenever the subject of Pnd is brought up she gets upset and states that she loves her children, its very upsetting really.

I was going to suggest PND as a possibility having read the OP, but see others have got there before me.

I can completely understand your concern, and it does sound like she needs support.

Can you try and get her to go out one evening and see if she opens up at all when she's not around the dc?

It's a tough one as we do go out socially fairy regularly but the last time the subject was broached my friend ran off crying which wasn't a pleasant experience for anyone, she really won't admit there is anything wrong but her behaviour says otherwise, I really don't like the idea of going over her head either.

Oh no, poor love does she really think PND involves not loving her children?

Can you leave this with her?

Could you talk to her DH and say you are worried about her and suggest to him that she has PND and offer to take the DCs for a few hours while he talks to her? Or get him to take the DCs while you have a very gentle talk with her?

I would just tell her that she is your friend and you are worried that she is not happy (don't say not coping) and has she thought about going to the GP. Re-iterate that PND is an ILLNESS and can be treated. Maybe offer to go the the GP with her?

It won't be an easy conversation and she may well shout and cry. But that is also the illness. Not her.