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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this mum is in the wrong

22 replies

manicinsomniac · 28/04/2012 00:21

not our school/department?

A boy in my form is having a massive birthday party for which his parents have hired a venue, caterers, entertainment - the works. I have no doubt it's costing a scary amount of money.

BUT - it is on the same night as a big year group event which the children have been practising for for months. So far, the only child whose parents have said he will not be at the school event are the birthday boys'. I don't know what the others are going to do but if too many opt for the party we will have to cancel our event. I don't actually think they will but then I feel so sorry for the little boy!

School event has been in the school diary for months and it was issued to parents in January. There are no alternative dates we can move to at this late notice and the head won't allow us to 'give in' anyway.
Children have been rehearsing since mid February
Party invites were issued yesterday!

To make it worse, 6 children have been left out - from a year group of nearly 60!

I know it's out of normal school hours but we are a private school and compulsory evening events are very much the norm for us.

IABU to think the parents are being completely unreasonable and unfair to their child, the other children (invited and not) and to the school?

OP posts:
GrahamTribe · 28/04/2012 00:26

Presuming that the parents knew of the school event they're being pretty dumb at best. They aren't being unreasonable to leave however many children out as they please though, whether that's 6 or 600. They're the hosts, they pay the bill and they get to choose who goes.

Angelico · 28/04/2012 00:27

If they knew, then it's super dumb. But leaving out a handful of kids out of a year group that size is obnoxious and pointed. YANBU.

WorraLiberty · 28/04/2012 00:29

There's no such thing as 'compulsory' viewing events.

But the parents are being unreasonable here

I hope it doesn't backfire on the boy.

WorraLiberty · 28/04/2012 00:30

viewing?? I meant evening Blush

Original poster
manicinsomniac · 28/04/2012 07:53

Unless they don't read their school diaries they knew. In fact, yes, they definitely did because the children made formal invites in lessons to send home.

Dad said they always celebrate on the birthday itself not on another day and, as his birthday is on this evening there w as nothing else they could do - grrr!

And I know people have a right to have who they like at their parties but to leave out so few - and it's always the same few, who jaust don't quite fit in with the others.

OP posts:
iscream · 28/04/2012 07:54

Only person this is unfair to is the birthday boy. What ages are we talking about?
The parents must of forgot about the school thing when making plans. Hopefully they will re schedule the birthday party, for their son's sake.
The school certainly need not worry or consider changing anything because someone is having a birthday party!
The child's party is being held during the evening? Odd.

mrsscoob · 28/04/2012 08:46

Really don't like the "your paying the bill you can do what you like" comment, I think it is really cruel to leave just a handful of children out, either just invite a few or the whole class.

They seem very egotistical and self centered if they think a whole year group is going to not go to a school event that has been planned for ages to attend their party. Shame for the little boy though :(

EmmaCate · 28/04/2012 09:01

Some parents are mental. I've heard a few stories from friends who work at private schools; parents who think they and their children are the centre of the world and can do no wrong.

I feel sorry for the 6 - especially if it's always them - adults should know better than this! It's tantamount to bullying in my mind. Of the few 'difficult' children I've encountered at groups etc. engaging with them and giving them a little respect has always helped them behave better (if that's what it is - if they are inoffensive but just slightly weird that's well out of order).

And the worst is that whichever way things go it's likely to be their son who suffers. If I was a parent of an invitee I would put fingers up at the party even if my DC preferred that over the school thing. But then a lot of parents seem to promote desires over duty these days.

marriedinwhite · 28/04/2012 09:16

EmmaCate there are as many parents who think they and their chidlren are the centre of the universe and can do not wrong in the state sector as in the private sector. I assume you have personal experience of both to have made that comment - no?

Original poster
manicinsomniac · 28/04/2012 09:43

yes, it is always them emmacate. And yes, 2 of them can be pretty disruptive but they're not awful. The others aren't at all. A couple are ASD, a couple have very tricky home situations, a couple have other disabilities/SNS, a couple are just 'different' in terms of looks/personality.

Our parents are mostly pretty reasonable though!

OP posts:
catsareevil · 28/04/2012 09:49

How odd of the prents to arrange it for that date when they knew there was something pre-arranged. YANBU.

hiddenhome · 28/04/2012 09:53

Don't change the school event. The parents need to learn that they're not all important and they should be flexible. It's a shame for their child, but you can't run around after these people, they need to learn for themselves.

EmmaCate · 02/05/2012 11:30

Sorry Married - hadn't returned to the thread. Only anecdotally on both counts; I wasn't trying to suggest state school parents are all paragons or private parents all hideous. I will have to focus on myself once we are at the school stage and make sure that wherever we go we aren't of that ilk!

RandomAdams · 02/05/2012 13:34

YANBU, but worth mentioning to the said parents.

A similar thing happened in our school but when I mentioned it, it turned out that as their au pair deals with all school matters, the parents had not registered about the school event. Could it be the case?

Floggingmolly · 02/05/2012 14:16

Very strange and arrogant thing to do, and not inviting 6 out of the whole year group is shite.
It has the potential to go spectacularly wrong, imagine how the poor kid would feel if 50 invitees chose the school event (quite likely, if the parents are involved too) and only 8 show up to his party?
The extravaganza could turn out to be a very pathetic damp squib and it would serve his parents right

Clytaemnestra · 02/05/2012 15:09

Has anyone pulled out of the school event yet?

sue52 · 02/05/2012 15:10

Stupid parents, arrogant to expect the school's planned event to take second place and cruel to leave 6 out if 60 out.

Original poster
manicinsomniac · 02/05/2012 23:17

Hi, sorry, didn't notice this had been bumped up.

Only 3 have pulled out of the school event and they are all in the chorus so (even though I've spent weeks telling the children they are ALL vital and important and valued etc Wink) we can actually manage without them.

Parents have extended the timings of the party so the children can go on after they are finished at school if they want to. I imagine many won't because it will make it a very late night and it's on a school night. But the option is there or them if they want.

I'm still annoyed about the left out 6 though. 4 of them are in my class and they're lovely. I don't think the children mind that much but I mind for them!

OP posts:
theincredibequeenofwands · 03/05/2012 00:14

Maybe the six being left out don't get on with the boy?

One child in my son's class is utterly vile (bites, scratches, spits, destroys property - aged 9, so not young).

If I had a party with the entire class I wouldn't invite him - he'd ruin it for everyone. Is up to the child/parents who they invite!

Having the party the same night as a school thingy is weird though. I don't understand that.

Mspontipine · 03/05/2012 01:07

Is it possible they didn'e know all the children's names so invited as many as they could??

Ds had a huge party one year and wanted to invite whole year (+ as they were a year1/2 class) I asked office for a class list as didn't want to miss out any children but were understandably told it was not possible. (safeguarding children etc) We therefore had to go on the list on children ds (then only 5) could provide. If we missed any out (we probably did) it was not intentional.

Mspontipine · 03/05/2012 01:08

didn'e

Didn't !! I'm not Scottish Smile

chipmonkey · 03/05/2012 01:16

Cruel to leave out kids with SNs, just bloody cruel.

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