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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

For not reciprocating the favour

21 replies

Dancergirl · 27/04/2012 21:58

Dd goes to ballet with a Year 1 girl from her school (dd's in reception). The girl is an only child and her parents are friends of ours. A couple of terms ago when dd and friend both moved up a class, I mentioned to the dad that I would find the logistics difficult as on Wednesdays my 3 dds all do different activities at different times and I'm also doing a Brownies rota. It may have sounded like I was dropping a hint for him to help out but I wasn't at all, it just came up in conversation.

Anyway he offered to take my dd home from school on Wednesdays, they could play a bit and then he would take them to the class and I would pick dd after I drop at Brownies. After a trial run, he said it was fine and he could do a regular weekly arrangement. I very gratefully accepted and was very pleased to have the help. And he said in a way it helped him out too because if his dd was playing with mine he could get a bit of work done (he works from home). I always thanked him.

Now both girls have moved up again, still on Wednesday, slightly later time. After working out how I was going to manage my other dds, I now pick dd up from school myself, give her a quick early supper, then take her and dd2, pick up dd2's friend from home, drop them at Brownies and then drop dd1 at ballet (and I'm still not finished for the night - dd1 has ballet later!). I offered the dad that I could drop his dd home after the class which he accepted.

However when I saw him at ballet this week, he said what a shame it was they weren't going together any more. I think he was dropping a hint that I should now take his dd from school. So I apologised that I couldn't and explained it would be too difficult what with all the other arrangements etc. But I said I was happy to bring his dd home every week so he didn't have to wait around.

But I have the feeling I have upset them and as they're friends it's a bit awkward. But I also think with one child you don't have an idea of the juggling you have to do with a bigger family. I suppose at a push I could do it but it's hard enough as it is to get everyone out the house by 5 with their correct equipment and having been fed. To throw another child into the mix makes it harder. Plus this child has coeliac so I woud have to think carefully about what I would feed her rather than just doing a quick pasta.

AIBU?

OP posts:

RandomMess · 27/04/2012 22:00

I do understand as I've got 3 dds however you could occasionally have her after school, I'm sure you can get pasta suitable for coeliac sufferers?

smoggii · 27/04/2012 22:03

I think YABU, sorry, and if they move group again you may find they are not so willing to help you out again.

1950sHousewife · 27/04/2012 22:09

I think YANBU, I understand how tricky it is to juggle.

But I HATE the fact that you are mentioning this coeliac as a reason. Buy a special bag of rice pasta. Job done. I have allergies and wasn't allowed to one of my friends houses because her mum 'couldn't cope with my allergies' (my mum only admitted that recently).

Couldn't you have her every now and again? They did do you a favour for quite a long time you know.

Original poster

Dancergirl · 27/04/2012 22:40

1950shousewife, I'm not using the coeliac as an excuse, it's just another factor. I don't think she Would eat Rice pasta, shes quite fussy. She doesn't like potatoes either so I couldn't do a jacket spud either. When she's come to play I've given her chicken with rice which I don't always have to hand on a busy day.

You don't think I'm returning the favour 'enough' by bringing their dd home after the class? I don't like to upset anyone especially friends.

OP posts:

greenplastictrees · 27/04/2012 22:45

Hmm...if you feel bad about it could you reiterate to the dad again how you also think its sad they don't go together anymore and why it's difficult for you but say you would love to have Friend over on x day instead so they can still play together. Not every week of course. But it may just push home that it isn't personal and it's just that you can't logistically manage on the other day.

Chilenachica · 27/04/2012 22:46

You could ask the dad what foods are suitable, maybe he could give you a list or similar.

If you just don't want to then the food issue is a non-issue. I wouldn't be able to not return the favour and look them in face, but that's just me.

I get our point about getting bags ready for different activities, I always try to get it done the night before, maybe that would make your afternoon rush easier.

WorraLiberty · 27/04/2012 22:46

If food's the only problem I'm sure her Dad will make her up a lunch box.

IAmRubyLennox · 27/04/2012 22:47

I do really sympathise, I've got 3 DC and tbh, another child can tip the balance from just-about-OK into nightmare territory.

Also, you do have to consider how long they will be in this ballet grade. Are you going to commit yourself to having this other child every single week for the foreseeable, for no valid reason (i.e. her own father could take her, no problem)?

However, I do agree with other posters that you can't really use her being coeliac even as 'another factor'. My DS1's best friend has dairy, egg and gluten allergies so I do know where you're coming from. However, can't you be honest with the parents and say 'I'd be really happy with having your DD over each week before ballet. However, can you run me through ideas of what you would give her for a quick tea because I'd typically give my girls X, Y, and Z and I don't think that's OK for her'. Surely they must have certain fail safes?

Either that, or by asking, they will then say 'Oh no, really we wouldn't expect you to do that' and then you're off the hook.

thepeoplesprincess · 27/04/2012 22:50

I think you are being a bit mean. You've have however many weeks/months of free childcare and it wouldn't kill you to give summat back tbh.

1950sHousewife · 27/04/2012 22:52

I get what you are saying and didn't mean to sound as cross as I did. It's a very sore subject.

I agree you are doing him a favour already, but it's not the same as a bit of a play for the DCs, then going to ballet.
But...I think that if you are dreading the idea, you need to be kind to your future self and explain to the parents what a mare it would be for you with all the to-ing and fro-ing. Then offer to have the daughter over at another time, perhaps at the weekend.

VelmaDaphne · 27/04/2012 22:54

Is it possible her father isn't dropping hints about you taking his DD, and is actually saying it's sad he doesn't collect your DD any more? It occurs to me that if he found it handy for his work, then he would still find it handy. And if their DD is an only child, she may be sad that she now doesn't have a friend on Wednesday after school.

Original poster

Dancergirl · 27/04/2012 22:55

IamrubyLennox, your first sentence has just summed it up perfectly!

It's not really about the food, it's more about the logistics. In the car, strap them in, out again at brownies, strap them in again (in all weathers!)....then all to ballet.

But if you all think it's appropriate, maybe I should give it a go for the sake of friendship.

OP posts:

IAmRubyLennox · 27/04/2012 22:57

Could you compromise a bit by saying 'It would be lovely if the girls could still play together sometimes, I know DD used to enjoy it, could your DD come to play on X day?'

The more I think about this, the more I do empathise.

Original poster

Dancergirl · 27/04/2012 22:59

Velmadaphne, that's a possibility, I didn't even think of that. But I don't know how I'd find out without him thinking I was dropping a hint.

OP posts:

lisad123 · 27/04/2012 23:04

I think it's hard we used to take a friend from school to ballet every week and it's a huge stress. They wouldn't want to finish playing, then getting everyone in the car and then dropping back. Didn't help if my kids weren't going as felt bad, or if the girls fell out (which they did often).

1950sHousewife · 27/04/2012 23:08

I agree with that lisad123.
Personally, a fixed arrangement might be a bad thing if you are particularly overstretched that week. How about suggesting a week by week thing so you can work out if you will feel arsed to do it that week.
I do that with a friends little boy after pre=school. Some weeks I can be bothered, some weeks not so much.

garlicnutter · 27/04/2012 23:19

I thought the same as Velma - took his remark at face value. Several other posters have suggested play dates with the other ballet girl. Would it be feasible to make them a weekly event? It sounds as if he'd be okay with having them; could you alternate weeks between you, say?

Even turn them into sleepovers, then it's one less breakfast once a fortnight??

BBQJuly · 27/04/2012 23:23

YABU. If you're willing to accept favours then you should be willing to give them in equal measure. This should be regardless of how you perceive other people's circumstances.

So their daughter is an only child. Maybe they couldn't have more - and resent having this rubbed in, by people using this as an excuse for not returning favours as it's "easier" for them with just one. Or maybe they chose to have just the one - and equally why should this choice mean they should receive fewer favours from friends?

Original poster

Dancergirl · 27/04/2012 23:33

Not sure I agree bbqjuly. I don't believe it should be tit for tat and would always take people's circumstances into account. I've done plenty of favours over the years, I don't mind at all....if I can do it then I will, and certainly don't 'expect' anything back in return. I do a favour because I want to or are able to help, is this not the norm?

OP posts:

Ghoulwithadragontattoo · 28/04/2012 00:10

Are you sure the Dad didn't mean that he could still take your DD home after school as a playmate for his DD? Alternatively he may have just been making an observation that it's a shame they don't get that time together anymore??

HeathRobinson · 28/04/2012 00:26

I think you're doing the dad quite a big favour, considering you're juggling so many more children's commitments than he is.

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