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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want people (I mean you mum & dad) to butt out of my wedding plans?

14 replies

whackamole · 27/04/2012 15:41

I am getting married in June, a small registry office ceremony then a meal in a hotel. There will be max 30 guests, my immediate family, OH immediate family plus grandparents and a couple of cousins and aunts.

My uncle is coming, as someone had to bring my grandparents (apparently my dad 'couldn't') but won't be bringing his wife as she is very ill. She has dementia and lives in an assisted living place, I spoke to him the other day and she simply isn't well enough to be out and about. I invited two of my cousins (plus guests) and now my mum and dad have got all pissy about it.

My dad because he is always the last to know - I got this from my uncle btw and I pointed out with him that my guest list is not my dad's business THAT is why I haven't told him; and my mum because we are having a big BBQ party in the summer for those that aren't going to the wedding and this fucks up that plan. She is also a bit pissed off that I haven't invited any of her family, which is true, but that is because I have no contact with them other than cards at Xmas/birthdays etc.

I am feeling a little fragile today as I have had a raging headache and am looking after a sicky little boy, but it has really upset me. I feel sick to my stomach tbh and was on the verge of telling my mum that it's all off and we're going to do it with no one at all. This is probably because she did the 'I need to talk to you later' thing which she always does, which makes me feel like a bollocking is imminent, as it always was when I was a child.

Am I really being a horrible bridezilla? I now feel horrible and guilty and like I want to cry.

OP posts:

Original poster

whackamole · 27/04/2012 15:43

Sorry, the point of my aunt being ill is that uncle wasn't going to bring a guest so I invited cousins instead.

OP posts:

Dropdeadfred · 27/04/2012 15:45

Are your parents financially contributing to the wedding?

Convict224 · 27/04/2012 15:52

If your parents are paying then they may have legitimate concerns regarding numbers. If you are paying, then they are being controlling and hurtful.

I suggest you clear the air, have a rumble with them. If it's a money thing, negotiate a compromise. If it's a control thing, consider telling them clearly that as an adult you expect to make your own decisions and do not need their approval.

How I wish I had done that instead of allowing my controlling mother to manipulate me and sour my independance. Ah well....

TalHotBlond · 27/04/2012 15:54

Yep, insist on paying yourselves and plead poverty. Tis the only way .

NatashaBee · 27/04/2012 15:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ratata · 27/04/2012 15:57

Weddings sometimes bring out the worst in people :( Hugs.

If parents are contributing financially then they should have some say. If they aren't then they need to let you get on with things. Maybe you should all sit down together and look at the guest list? I know you and our DP should have the last say but it may allow people to have their say and then you make the final decision.

Chilenachica · 27/04/2012 16:15

If the -I need to talk to you later-thing turns into a bollocking, don't accept it. If she is present get up and leave the room, if she's on the phone tell her you have to go because, the door/DC/dinner/you don't accept her talking to you as though you a child, whichever one works best.

Re the actual wedding, although I'm not trying to influence your decision here, I know someone who did elope and get married without the family. They don't regret it at all.

We had a small wedding, MIL has never forgiven me, but we paid ourselves, so there[pokes tongue out at MIL's cats bum face]

I hope you and DP have a lovely wedding

SandraSue · 27/04/2012 18:27

Tell her if she wants to have her side of the family there, she should get married again and invite them to her own, that should sort her out! :o

billgrangersrisotto · 27/04/2012 18:34

In my personal experience, even the nicest of parents go a bit bonkers with weddings. Hope you sort it. You're not being a bridezilla.

LtEveDallas · 27/04/2012 18:46

My mum damn near ruined my first wedding. It ended up all about her and all about her friends and her family. We had a guest list of 120. 20 were husbands family, 10 was a table of friends. Every other bugger was a relation - including some I couldn't stand and some I hadn't seen since I was a baby. I didn't have the flowers I wanted, I didn't have the cake I wanted, I didn't even buy the bloody dress I wanted! (and turned out it wasn't even the husband I wanted!)

Second time around I grew some balls (she complained, but all I said was "Oh well, it's a shame, but if you don't want to come i'll understand") the wedding was FAB (and my mother did indeed have a cats bum mouth most of the day, but I didn't give a flying fart)

You're not being Bridezilla OP, but be careful what you 'back down' on. Have people around you that you want to be there - not those that your parents think should be there.

Original poster

whackamole · 27/04/2012 19:48

Sorry for the radio silence - had a bit of a childs-bum related emergency! (Then teatime, it didn't take that long to clear up! )

Dad is not contributing at all, although he almost caused my grandparents to not come as he was extremely rude to them about coming, I posted about it before. Luckily I spoke to them and they are now coming.

Mum is contributing. She said that as a gift she was going to gift as some money as she wanted us to have a really nice wedding, even if on a small scale. We had enough of our funds, but with hers this means we can have a proper meal rather than cater ourselves, and also have real flowers rather than fake (which she was very hung up about for some reason!). I get where my mum is coming from, and maybe I should invite some from her side - but really, why? I don't ever see them, so it would just be to keep up appearances.

Having said that, I may well invite who she wants me to just to keep the peace. I have now committed myself to things that I can't pay for if I tell her I will give her the money back if she butts out.

I'm a bit calmer now, I was so upset earlier. Why does my mum still have the ability to make my stomach churn with that phrase? I had a perfectly normal upbringing, no problems of any kind (other than the norm) yet I still feel this horrible sense of not wanting to disappoint her.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 27/04/2012 20:29

No, don't let yourself get bullied. It's ridiculous that you should have people you don't know to your wedding.

Hold firm and stay calm and rational when you talk to her. You'll feel better afterwards if you do.

RandomMess · 27/04/2012 20:34

Be firm and remind her that you want your uncle to have a good time at the wedding especially as he is doing you the favour of bringing the grandparents hence inviting the cousins along.

I am so glad my parents and pils paid for nothing!

Frikadellen · 27/04/2012 22:08

Whilst I do not think YABU i can somehow see what your mother is feeling

She has offered to pay for part of the wedding, She then gets told your aunt is not coming but instead you have invited (I asume 4 people since you said cousins with partners?) I do see why she is thinking.. Hmm Why is she not inviting any of my family then?

Personally I would ask her to add 2 couples she feels should be invited and keep the peace that way. (or perhaps just the 1 couple) but I would also ensure you explain why she may understand.

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