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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dh cannot do anything right

9 replies

k2togm1 · 27/04/2012 12:28

Or aibu?

I might but I am working on it. I have birth trauma PTSD and tend to see things negatively due to it.

I tend to think badly of everything that dh does, the latest was this morning he told ds to 'bring the ball to k2m1tog' and this shocked me deeply (I know, overreacting I hear you say) . But he knows that I've had issues about thinking of myself as a mother and also about he appreciating my mothering, so in my mind he not calling me 'mum' when talking to ds was showing me that he doesn't think of me as a mother, and this really brought me down.
I know he would say that I am putting all this meaning on to something that was just nothing, so come on mnters, tell me iabu.

OP posts:

Birdsgottafly · 27/04/2012 13:05

Are you as a couple going through theopy and is he followin any plan that you may have?

It can be helpful, when you have 'faulty thinking' to ignore your first thoughts and you are told to do this by the professionials helping.

In all fairness this is rare and most wouldn't know how to deal with this.

How much support are you both getting?

kirsty75005 · 27/04/2012 13:40

You know, if you think about things that deeply, then you'll be able to find a negative side to anything your husband says. I wouldn't have thought anything about this one - my dad regularly called my Mum Janie to us, just because it was a bit odd for him to use different names for the same person.

You sound stuck in a vicious circle of negative thoughts... as said above, are you getting help ?

Original poster

k2togm1 · 27/04/2012 22:30

I am finishing Cbt next week, I have some techniques to use with this kind of negative thoughts but therapy mainly focused on the PTSD (flashbacks, anxiety, etc). And it's only me having therapy.
It's really hard to stop these thoughts before they get me down, that's the problem, as once I feel down everything seems even worse.

OP posts:

MajorB · 27/04/2012 22:51

I know you're in a difficult place at the moment but I really believe you're over thinking this.

There are some people who say it's better for couples to call each other by name rather than "mummy" and "daddy" as it means that they think of their OH as a person in their own right, rather than "just" the mother/father of their child. It's meant to imply that you are everything that makes you I.e. Mother, wife, sexual partner, best-friend etc. So perhaps you could take it as a compliment?

Hope things pick up for you.

NimpyWindowmash · 27/04/2012 23:00

Are you doing a thought diary with your CBT? So when you have the negative thoughts which make your mood crash like this, you could keep a thought diary, and identify the negative thought. And try to think of some alternative ways of thinking about it. So instead of "he doesn't think of me as a mother", some alternatives with a more balanced view, eg "I know I am a competent and loving mother", "DH was maybe perhaps thinking of me as his partner at that moment, rather than a mum". Apologies if you are already trying this. It's not easy to retrain the negative thinking.

Original poster

k2togm1 · 28/04/2012 22:14

Nimpy yes I am doing a thought record but sometimes I get so low so quickly that actually cannot think clearly for sometime
MajorB thanks I know! 14 months ago I would have seen it just like that

OP posts:

EyeoftheStorm · 28/04/2012 22:33

I had PTSD after horrible prem birth and needed counselling to get through to the other side. I had panic attacks, nightmares, incessant thoughts about the birth and its aftermath.

But I found thinking of DH almost like a control group was a way of keeping the way I was thinking in proportion.

It's hard to explain - he was frightened and worried like I was but over time it bedded down for him in a way it never did for me. I began to see that his reaction was normal whereas my reaction got stuck. That's when I knew I needed to get help.

Does that make sense?

madmouse · 28/04/2012 22:35

Sounds like very typical PTSD style overthinking (been there have the t-shirt). Are you sure you are ready to stop counselling? Getting sorted takes longer than you think/want.

Original poster

k2togm1 · 29/04/2012 12:48

It does eye, glad you found him a 'rock' for you kind of way, I don't know why he has become the enemy in my mind .

madmouse you've made me think, the thing is I feel so much better in relation to the trauma itself, and have run my course of sessions, so kind of have no options, I have the tools, just need to remember that they exhists, which I seem to forget often...

I guess there are things in our relationship we need to sort out, like the lack of time together, intimacy and sex, so I am now ready to work on those, whereas before I couldn't, so hopefully he will stop being the receiver of all my anger and negative thinking!

OP posts:

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