Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

"It's only a missed period" WSBU?

46 replies

chipsandmushypeas · 26/04/2012 09:47

My friend's friend recently found out she's pregnant and told my friend at 5 weeks. My friend seemed annoyed she had announced so early and said, "its only a missed period" and that she should have waited until 12 weeks.

I'm 6 weeks and was planning on telling her - won't be now!

Do you think it's not good to announce early? Or was she BU?

OP posts:

TrudiRed · 26/04/2012 13:10

I think its a personal thing. We ttc for over 2 years with dd1 and everyone knew we were trying so we were often asked and were delighted to be able to tell everyone yes at last. When we fell the 2nd time we told everyone again and when we lost that baby is was good to feel like everyone knew what we were going though. We told with ds and dd2 too. Whilst I don't think its the right thing to do it was right for us. It could be wrong for others. Like pp I was sick as a pig all 4 times I was pg so it would have been pretty obvious to most people anyway.
Can't people just be happy for their friends whenever they choose to tell and if they can't say anything nice not say anything at all?!

MsVestibule · 26/04/2012 13:35

16 weeks, Valium?!! Bloody hell, most people are showing by then! I told a few people as soon as I found out (about 6 weeks) and planned to tell everybody else at 12 weeks. However, I had a scan at 10+5 and absolutely could not resist making the big announcement at work the next day! Most people's reaction was "Oh. Who's the father?".

But your friend is being exceptionally rude, and even if she does think that way, she should learn to keep her mouth shut.

harrietlichman · 26/04/2012 13:41

Vile, inappropriate thing to have said. While I am definately in the wait till 12 weeks camp myself (my own personal experience has taught me to be cautious about these things) it is totally up to the couple involved when they tell. Anyone who says something like your friend did has no idea how hurtful that is.

anniemcphee · 26/04/2012 13:59

First time round I told my sister as soon as I had a positive test (probably about 5 / 6 weeks) as I needed to talk to someone who knew what I was going through. Carried to full term with no real issues.
Second time I told my sister, best friend, my dad and MIL at 5 weeks. Sadly at 6 weeks I had a miscarriage. I was seen by a Dr who said I must have misread the tests (I took 5 pg tests) they were clear blue - they say either Pregnant or Not Pregnant - no guess work involved with blue lines.
Despite the nurse agreeing that the test the hospital did was still positive, the Dr threw it at me and sent me home. (I was only there as a GP wanted to rule out ectopic due to being in pain).
Third time I told only my family as I found out (by scan) at 4 weeks, as I wanted their support should it go wrong again. I went full term and DS is now a strapping boy.
It makes no difference whether you tell people early or not, it is personal choice, I was glad people knew when I had a miscarriage as I needed support, and my best friend (who had miscarried before) was amasing.

Your friend is BU.

Congrats x

Original poster

chipsandmushypeas · 26/04/2012 14:25

Thanks for all the congratulations! :) I'm over the moon, this is my first so very scary/exciting time.

I think I will take the general advice of waiting until 12 weeks/ first scan to tell friends and family as I would rather keep it to myself if anything were to happen.

I can't believe some of the nasty things people have had said them!

OP posts:

Bellstar · 26/04/2012 14:36

I think your friend made a thoughtless comment but I would bet my life that she has her own issues-either with ttc or with past pregnancy losses.

I have a history of late pregnancy loss-lots-which means I prefer to keep my news to myself. We didnt tell family until we were over 16 weeks and friends were nearer 28 weeks.

I personally would never tell anyone until over 12 weeks at least.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 26/04/2012 14:43

That was a mean thing to say- they PG friend is excited so ofcourse she wants to tell people, and it's up to her to decide when.

The other friend was mean but it sounds like it might be born out of envy. Maybe she wants to be the one who "missed a period"? Or maybe she's pregnant herself and feels that the other friend has peed on her parade by announcing her's now? Some people are so precious about that!

ErikNorseman · 26/04/2012 14:45

Your friend is being a caaaah

valiumredhead · 26/04/2012 15:22

Forgot to say congrats OP :)

valiumredhead · 26/04/2012 15:23

Just tea read - it's not you who is pregnant must read properly before posting!

Original poster

chipsandmushypeas · 26/04/2012 15:29

Yes, I am too Valium thank you :)

My friend hasn't experienced any losses, she has 3 dc so I don't think it's an envy thing, just thoughtless

OP posts:

valiumredhead · 26/04/2012 15:32

Oh GOD, honestly I MUST read properly, sorry

CONGRATS OP

Original poster

chipsandmushypeas · 26/04/2012 15:36

thank you! Yes I posted because I am too and was going to tell her! Glad I didn't!

OP posts:

YoullLaughAboutItOneDay · 26/04/2012 15:37

Chips - I agree with the general comments about this, but just to say you don't necessarily know your friend hasn't experienced any losses. I have had a miscarriage, and only two people know- both told years after the event. I miscarried at around 8 weeks, and it did kind of help me deal with it that, in years past, I would just have seen it as a missed period and not even known for sure I was pregnant. It kind of helped put it in perspective. I would never, ever blurt out something so hurtful, but you don't know what your friend may have in her background or history.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

In terms of telling people, we only told people who we would have told anyway if things hadn't worked out - so parents, a couple of others. I had watched a colleague have to tell everyone about her miscarriage, when it was painfully clear she didn't want to, didn't want the sympathetic comments and sad looks, and decided I would probably feel the same. I know she also felt very 'watched' at work for how soon she would have another announcement. Luckily they conceived quickly, but if it had taken a while I think it would have been hard. I don't mean to put a downer on your happy news, but I do honestly think it's worth considering given how sadly common it is.

monkeymoma · 26/04/2012 15:43

I felt like that at 5 weeks about my own pregnancies (one ended early and I don't personally consider it a 'real' MC because it hadn't sunk in, to me it was a missed period that came a few days late and I'ld never have thought otherwise had I not tested), but I'ld never say it about anyone else's pregnancy. I think it differs a lot depending on whether it was actively TTCed for because by 5 weeks there's been 3 weeks of imagining it IYKWIM, rather than just a few days. I am actively TTCing this time so I imagine by 5 weeks (fingers crossed if I get a BFP) THIS time I'll already be well down the road emotionally by that point. With the other 2 pregnancies they weren't TTCed for so by five weeks I hadn't really got my head round it yet and still felt at the missed period stage.

I don't think it is an unreasonable concept if it's in relation to ones OWN pregnancy but you can't project how you feel at X weeks to what a pregnancy at that amt of weeks means to someone else.

I told a few people at that stage, it's not ideal but I was sick as a dog so hard to hide!

Original poster

chipsandmushypeas · 26/04/2012 15:58

Maybe she said it because she's very fertile and has always fallen very quickly thinking about it. Like some of you said, when you weren't trying it was very early at 5 weeks. However her friend has been ttc for 3 years so I feel it was very insensitive.

We were ttc for over a year. Maybe I should tell my family just incase

OP posts:

Adayforthinking · 26/04/2012 16:01

SIBU

I wouldn't tell before 12 weeks now as having had 2 MCs at 5 weeks (one planned PG and one not necessarily planned but would have been happy) I would always wait to test now before I get past what I think would be around 5 weeks.

I certainly wouldn't call it 'just a missed period' though, that's horrid.

curiositykitten · 26/04/2012 16:05

Firstly, congratulations.

Secondly, every fucker you meet has an opinion from the second the sperm dries, to long long after you ask their advice as a baby!

My first was unplanned and we pretty much told people just after finding out at 5 weeks. Our second took 18 months to conceive and fertility tests so I planned on keeping the pregnancy quiet for a bit, but I think everyone knew by 6 weeks

There are always going to be those who tell straight away, and those who think it's 'right' to wait a while. Neither are wrong or right.

JugglingWithTangentialOranges · 26/04/2012 16:10

I was ttc for a year with our first (now DD !) and told everyone pretty early on.

Fortunately, though conceiving took a while, I've been fortunate not to experience miscarriage. So, I just think when you tell often depends on your experiences.

But even if you've had difficult experiences yourself you'd think a quick "Congratulations!" if someone tells you they're pregnant would actually be easier than hoiking up your judgey pants and getting into a debate about when to announce. Very strange behaviour ! IMHO

carabos · 26/04/2012 16:11

Am I missing something here? A missed period doesn't necessarily have to mean "pregnant". If you're pregnant, you're pregnant, not just missing a period. How odd.

Eggrules · 26/04/2012 16:20

Nasty comment and very unsupportive.

With my DS we waited. Any more I would tell close friends and/or family. I had shocking morning sickness and a difficult pregnancy. Like a few others, I would appreciate support regardless of outcome.

Congratulations - you know best. Sound advice from now on.

Flip

1 2