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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Uncontrolled crying!

44 replies

washingonawednesday · 25/04/2012 22:33

Oh god. 15 months old ds. Was an excellent sleeper. A recent tummy bug has thrown him right out of his routine and he's now waking and being awake for HOURS in the night. Last night he slept from 7 till 3am and that was it- wake up time. Did controlled crying from 3 till 4am. By 4am I had had it after over a week of this so I turned the monitor off and left him to it. He had a dummy and toys in the cot, no poo, not too hot or thirsty. Just awake and really giving it some Crying. Woke again at 6am - he was still going. Did controlled crying till 7 and then got us both up.

Aibu? Single mum and it's just too much. Will he get the message that night time is sleep time with uncontrolled crying or is it just mean of me?

When I do controlled crying it just makes him more pissed off that I go in, but don't get him up and just leave him again.

Help!

OP posts:

Callisto · 26/04/2012 13:00

Oh and babies don't get 'pissed off'.

bumbleymummy · 26/04/2012 13:00

Cherries, I think, turning off the monitor is pretty intentional.

OP, I agree with most of the others, there is something wrong and you should be trying to comfort him, not ignoring him. If you need sleep, bring him into bed with you. It can be a temporary solution for both of you.

TheSecondComing · 26/04/2012 13:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

washingonawednesday · 26/04/2012 14:45

I do take the criticism. And I would co sleep, but he won't stay in bed with me, just gets up and tries to go and play. He dosent want comfort cuddles he wants to get up!

He's not ill at the moment- obviously that's different. He got over the bug a week ago- its messed up his routine.

His room is just across the corridor so I hear him in my room.

I hoped we turned a corner yesterday. He sleeps better when he naps well in the day and yesterday he slept for 4 hours in the day and slept much better in the night.

I was hoping more for tips on how to get back to routine and for those of you who think im the devil incarnate for letting him cry, Ive been on my own since 4 months old, still breastfeeding even though the wonderful ex keeps pressuring me to stop and have raised a delightful child who just happens to be going through a rough sleeping patch. Think of me the next time your other half gets up in the night or let's you have a lie in or even holds your hand when you get back into bed after dealing with a crying child for some moral support. Cos I don't have any of that.

OP posts:

StrandedBear · 26/04/2012 14:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Memoo · 26/04/2012 14:51

You're not the only single parent in the world op. Do you seriously think we all have loving, helpful partners who help out?

OrmIrian · 26/04/2012 14:56

I suspect he still isn't feeling 100%. Could you just leave it a bit longer before trying again? Maybe whilst he is feeling like this he would willingly sleep in your bed instead of just wanting to play.

GrahamTribe · 26/04/2012 15:08

Memoo, I suspect that if we had a poll there wouldn't be that many lone parents amongst the OP's more vociferous critics. washing, unfortunately for you there is a prevailing school of thought on MN and your decision to let your DC cry it out the other night doesn't fit with that view. More unfortunately still there's been a fair bit of judging and no advice from some people, maybe even some misinterpretation too. I take it that your DS stopped the crying soon after you went back to bed and resumed it at 6am, which was what woke you again.

I hope you have turned that corner.

valiumredhead · 26/04/2012 15:21

Did he sleep 4 hours in the day yesterday and then was up in the night? Possibly try cutting his naps in the day?

Pseudo341 · 26/04/2012 15:23

I don't blame you for leaving him to cry, I'm not saying it was the right thing to do but you're clearly very very stressed and getting desperate, you have my sympathy, I've been sorely tempted to do the same in the past and I have a supportive husband by my side. I have a second cot in our room up against the bed so DD can come in with me but still be in a cot, I lie right next to it blocking the exit so she can't escape and sternly ignore all attempts to play. If you've got no room for a second cot in your room then maybe you can get an airbed for the floor in his room instead. I find the best way to deal with the bad nights is to find a way you can be horizontal while comforting, even if you're not actually asleep it's not quite so bad as sitting up, and I usually find I wake up and discover we've both dozed off at some point.

Niceupthedance · 26/04/2012 15:42

Hello Washing.

I understand how frustrating it is. My DS has only just started sleeping a bit better at 16 months. I have been a single parent since birth with no help and no lie ins and no social life etc.

I have had to get up for the day at 4am many, many, times. Once at 2am! I think you just have to suck it up, sorry. Go to bed when he does. Bring him into your bed and put the telly on. Give him a sandwich and put him back to bed. Read him a story to get him to calm down. Sit next to him and say nothing (I MN on my phone). Something will work eventually. Personally I would feel really shit turning the monitor off and leaving him but horses for courses.

hardboiledpossum · 26/04/2012 16:54

If you want advice I'll tell you what I would do and have done. When he wakes up and won't settle back down wrap yourself in a duvet so you don't get cold sit in his room with your back against his cot so he knows it's not playtime but he doesn't feel abandoned, if he's not lying down turn around to try and settle him every 10 minutes. Bring your kindle or phone for your entertainment or ipod. Hopefully he should get bored and realise that he might as well go to sleep. Go to bed at 7 with him.

fingerscrosseditsnothing · 26/04/2012 17:04

4 hours seems a lot for a 15 month old to sleep during the day. If he slept 4 hours in the day and from 7-3 that is 12 hours. I think recommendations are for 13-14 hours day and night combined at this age.

Maybe try shorter daytime nap.

LoveHandles88 · 26/04/2012 18:43

We had a similar thing with our dd at around 16 months-ish.
I did a kind of controlled crying thing, but started with her afternoon naps (we live in flats, and I didn't think an entire week or so of screaming through the night would've gone down well). I left her for 2 minutes, then went in, laid her back down, left the room, left her for 4 minutes, went back in and laid her back down, then left her for 8 minutes, then 16. I never had to go back in after the 8 minutes, and if I had it would have been disruptive. I hated doing it, and I'm glad I didn't do it when she was any younger, I would not have been strong enough.
We don't have any problems with her sleeping now other than when she's ill, and she sleeps fine after any illness now.
Obviously, what we did will not work for everybody. I just thought I'd share my experience.
I really hope that you find something that works for you both and that you both get some sleep.

LoveHandles88 · 26/04/2012 18:48

.........it took 2 days to get her sleeping well again btw. Forgot to mention.

Meglet · 26/04/2012 18:51

I doubt you slept through 4 hours of crying TBH. I bet you both conked out after a while then you woke up when he started hollering again.

I got really strict with mine when DD was 13months (and DD was almost 3) as I was back at work (single parent too).

I don't think you're the devil incarnate at all. I was just the same.

VelmaDaphne · 26/04/2012 19:36

To be fair OP, you didn't actually ask for tips and help, you asked if leaving him to scream would work or if it was mean, and so people answered that question.

I have been a single parent since day 1. My second child was born by donor conception so I have been a single parent of him from day 1 too, so I know all about doing this alone.

I think that leaving your DS to cry alone for long periods will actually make him worse. He will start to panic at bedtime, thinking it will be the last time he'll see you, and you may find him refusing to settle even at the beginning of the night.

I'm not a fan of controlled crying, and it seems your DS isn't either.

My advice would be to be present but boring in the night. So when he wakes and cries, go into his room, sit or lie on the floor by his cot, and tell him that it's sleep time. Don't give him toys, don't try to occupy him, don't chat to him, don't get cross with him - just be really really dull, repeating over and over that night time is for sleeping. If you stay in his room he won't get scared, so he won't feel the need to scream the place down. But he will get bored and eventually go back to sleep. I reckon you'll only have to do this for a couple of nights. Put a mattress on the floor in his room if you like, and then at least you can doze a bit while he whinges. Accept that you are going to have a few terrible nights, which should reduce the risk of you losing it and getting cross. It will pass. All these stages do.

WhiteTrash · 26/04/2012 20:26

I was a lone parent with DS1, I did controlled crying its really horrible I hated every minute. I literally tried every single avenue that I could think of and more than once too.

But 4 hours is just far too much, and to soon after an illness. But I think you have come to that conclusion!

I would have just got up with him tbh, I couldnt have turned the baby monitor off.

I have no advice, I really wish I did. I hope it gets better soon.

BarredfromhavingStella · 26/04/2012 21:37

You're not the devil incarnate & I doubt that you actually slept through 4 hours of him crying, more likely as some previous posters have said he will have gone quiet after you zonked then when he started crying again you woke up.

I'd try the actual controlled crying method as strandedbear suggested & see how that goes, good luck.

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