To think my parents are rubbish grandparents?

[3littlebears]

This will probably turn into a rant, but I will try to stay objective. My parents live at the other end of the country and although retired, find time to visit us about 3 times a year. My 3 sons are their only grandchildren. When they visit, they like to talk about books the kids ate reading, tell us we should have them privately educated and then read the newspaper. A lot. Oddly, the kids quite like them. The youngest is a bit of a pain. Throws tantrums and whinges, but not the worst child I've ever encountered (he's 4). My mum asks my husband if we honestly regret having him. My dad asks how we cope and asks if we have had him psychologically tested ( whatever the f* that means). Think hes forgotten ds3 was premature and still sees a paed consultant who has reassuredus that hes normal and bright and has no issues. Is this normal grandparent behaviour?!?

They are not normal. You should have them psychologically assessed (especially your dad) and burn their newspapers.

Hmmm sounds a bit bizarre are they like this in general- quite blunt etc? Maybe they are just naturally a bit rude! Very weird to ask if u regret having ur ds tho! Least they live far away!

That sounds fairly normal to me tbh. My parents are able to engage with my kids for only a limited amount of time and then they shut down and want to watch TV or whatever, and then it falls to me to keep everyone clam and quiet.

Sounds normal to me. I can't bear tantrums and whining myself and I'm not over 60. They are too far away to be accustomed unfortunately. If the kids like them they can't be that bad.

I am comforted to hear my DS isn't the only one with bizarre grandparents. Luckily they're not my family, they're DHs, but they don't sound disimilar to yours. I don't think it's normal grandparent behaviour either

clearly well out of touch with kids, my PIL are similar in that evrything has to be 'educational' and tbh they are very emotionally cold so just ignore your folks and keep up the good work with DS 3

This is very reassuring. I know that they mean well but seriously lacking emotional intelligence. I don't think they should be gushing all the time but was slightly stunned by the 'get rid of ds3' attitude. Oh well. Nowt as queers as folk.

At least your parents vist. My parents have never visisted us in 30 years of me and DW being together as a couple. We visit them twice a year and they barely notice our children after the first few hours. The children are very well behaved and love their grandparents despite their indifference but we end up going out on our own with the children as their grandparents apparently just don't want to.

Some people like being grandparents (and aunties and uncles) at arms length. Annoying but, meh, what can you do about it.

My DH is adamant his DPs adore being grandparents and doing things with our DSs when they visit and stay with us, as do his siblings and truly thinks they are hands on, but I just don't see it.

They come over, see them over breakfast and talk to them, take walks on their own without the GC, look at any art work they may have done, but not join in, etc. Have a pre-dinner drink on their own in the lounge while I feedthe DC, say goodnight and have a kiss and a cuddle before bed. They really aren't hands on at all.

In fact my DH said to me before their last visit that his DM hadn't ever bathed the boys and she would really like to. His DM is very forthright, and doesn't hold back, if she wants to do something she will do it, if she wants you to know something she will say it. I just said 'if your DM wants to bathe the boys, she is more than welcome, but there is no way I will be asking for her to do that unless I absolutely need to'. The only time they have offered to babysit the boys is for us to go out locally AFTER the boys were already in bed and asleep.

In other ways, they're great. They always remember special occasions, they skype frequently, they offer advice to me when asked rather than foisting it onto me which makes me more willing to actually ask DMIL's advice than I otherwise would (unless they REALLY think I'm doing something wrong then would say something). Just.... hands off.

Ah MoreBeta that is sad.
My boy's Grandparents(my dad and stepmum) live 5 mins away and rarely see them...they do however see my niece 3 or 4 times a week.

And asking if you 'regret' having DS3 may be more to do with them thinking of how hard it is to cope with 3, especially if the 3rd is full on. I know my DMIL was concerned about us having DS2 because she didn't think we could cope as my DH has an incredibly stressful job and we have absolutely no family back up in this country. Saying it is a bit off, though.

Sounds reasonably normal to me (but I've been similarly frustrated by similar issues sometimes, not quite so extreme as this though) - I think they are just feeling that as grandparents they should be able to be as hands-off as they like and keep a relatively low-energy schedule when they visit - whilst having some nice contact time too.

Sadly this is normal in our family :(

Mum also lives other end of the UK, we see her 3 times a year, sometimes 4.

She thinks my sister made a mistake in having a 3rd child

She gives the kids an instruction and then tells them off if it's not done immediately

She lies on the sofa most of the day and gets stressed if she has to do anything she doesn't fully understand ie going out shopping unless she knows what shop, what town, what we are buying, where everyone else will be, what time we will be home, what colour underpants the prime minister is wearing.....

Unlike you your parents, my kids don't really like her as she gets cross and doesn't join in. She's only in her early 70s

What is "normal grandparent behaviour"? I like to get down on the floor and play with my grandchildren and read stories and do the things I used to do with my DCs, but neither my parents or DH's did this so am I abnormal?

We invited my parents to come away with us for a couple of nights (had booked a lodge with 2 bedrooms so thought it would be nice for them to have a break). We didn't expect, or ask, them to do any babysitting - none at all. And they didn't offer, which is absolutely fair enough.
On one day we found a nice farm place that we knew DS would love. We did sort of think that my parents would like to come too.
Apparently not. "That's not really something that would interest us" they said, and pottered off to the shops instead! Funnily enough, I don't find tractors that thrilling either, but seeing DS enjoy himself is really why I like doing that sort of thing .
And yet, my mum bangs on fairly regularly about how much she loves DS.
It's just on her terms and in her way.

Were they this un-affectionate with you?

I don't think all grandparents should be as interactive as my parents are, but they should be interested, affectionate, and accepting, IMO

My PIL had banged on about wanting to go with the DC to Disney Land since they were born. So when DC were about six we agreed. We even paid for PIL.

TBH we hardly ever saw them during the day. They spent their days pottering about on their own. They even went to see some of the parades on their own!!!

They joined us for dinner each evenimg (we were paying) and insisted on having a three course meal each night even though we had tired youngsters on our hands.

Since then they have seen less and less of the DC. And FIL in particular appears to want to do very little with them, or even be in the same room as them.

The thing is if you don't want to be around DC then that's fine. But why insist on coming to bloody Disney Land?

My own Mother could not be more different. She has dragged around every farm, zoo, soft play centre and swimming baths and called it a priviledge.

At least they come and see their grandchildren. Mine are unable to travel and leave their dog and have admitted to other family members that are too old for GC . Still they are interested in their own remote handsoff way...I think its the way it is these days. The oldies have a life and opinions. They arent worried about being stuck in a home and fed mushy peas so do what they like to hell with the consequences..

Word - I could see my PIL doing something vaguely similar, maybe meeting up a few times in the day, except that they would pay for it and it be their treat. They keep saying they want to be alive and see their family enjoying their money, not pass it all on when they die.

PIL live about 10 miles away both are retired (divorced), both drive and have free London transport passes. Neither will visit us, we invite ourselves over to theirs once or twice a year.

Whe we do see them, they usually ask DS a couple of questions when we get there then pretty much ignore him the rest of the time. When he was younger I used to get very stressed about keeping him amused and occupied while we were there, so that their adult converstaion wasn't interrupted but now DS is 10 he pretty much ignores them too and its their loss as far as I'm concerned

OP I don't think this sounds so bad. They live at the other end of the country, but still manage to come 3 times a year to visit. Do you go to visit them, or do you wait for them to come to you?

First time we went on hol with PIL I thought it was a bit odd they did their own thing during the day, but they felt it was a good balance. Other people's children can be exhausting