divorcing friend moving next to me for free childcare

[plugplant]

Friends with couple for 7 years and have looked after their ds every day bringing home for school, and sleepovers etc whenever either of them have had other commitments.

Now they are divorcing and I am going to be used by both parents separately, I know my friend will not be able to work the hours she works without my help, but having her move into the rented house next door fills me worry after the elation passed.

My dh wants me to work but I have too many childcare commitments. Her soon to be ex told me I shouldn't offer to look after their ds as she has to take responsibility herself.

I have helped out for so long don't feel I can and still be a good friend.

Honestly, I would never normally say this, but you are going to have to choose which parent you want as a friend.

You CANNOT deal with both of them on a 'friends' basis.

Either you deal with both of them, they pay you and it becomes a business arrangement, or you choose one and help them as and when YOU are able / want to.

You are not free childcare!!!!

Mixed blessings having her next door.

Work out how much you are prepared to help, cut that in half and only agree to that amount

Practice saying, 'no I can't help that day' until the phrase rolls off your tounge easily

Good luck

Set up as a childminder?

Has she already signed the lease? Because I think you should warn her that you're looking to cut down on providing free childcare for all and sundry so that you can start looking for paid work in the fairly near future. I do think it's a bit of cheek for them to expect you to look after their son so much- does any of it come back the other way?

Would you have an easier life if you WOH? Or do you have too many childcare commitments that are just for your own DCs?

Have you considered becoming a registered CM? Then you would be in a position where you could charge for childcare. Plus you would be earning from your work with other mindees.

If neither of the above apply, and you want to help your friend, you need to find a way of doing that without becoming overwhelmed, e.g. offer to have him one evening a week after he has been at after school club.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but you have a life too. You need to do what's best for you and your family. That certainly doesn't mean you can't help your friend, but your friend needs to be reasonable about your workload.

I think it sounds like they are taking advantage of you and your kind nature helping out is one thing but being used as a fulltime back up by both of them seems unreasonable as you also have a family.

It might be easier if you mentioned to each of them that you are looking for some paid work so may not be able to do all this picking up and looking after etc

or you could set yourself up as a childminder and charge properly either way your family come first its unreasonable for either of them to expect otherwise

I have 3 dc, 2 at different schools, plus another dc I bring home for another family.

It used to be more equal as 5 years ago as I loaned a horse from them for 2 years for free, but not any more.

We have always helped out with her farm animals when they've gone on holiday.

She is taking the animals with her although I know without her husband she will rely on me for them too.

Since their ds started school I have helped out daily.

I am not interested in becoming a registered CM!

Why can't she used paid childcare like the rest of us? I don't understand why she thinks her behaviour is reasonable...

She is BU. You are not a free Child Minder and if looking after other people's children is stopping you from working then the balance is all wrong.

Most of the country has to use breakfast club, after school club, Child Minders,or nannies. It's unfair to expect anyone to do it for free, even if they're family and especially bad to expect it if they're not family.

Make it clear that you are upping your WOH hours so she will have to find back up. Then do NOT feel bad and do NOT let anyone guilt trip you.

Well sounds like you are happy to enable it!

What do you want?

plugplant then a good old fashioned NO! is whats called for but you have to do it before she moves and while she thinks its ok to dump all this on you and the farm animals !!

Can you come live next to me?

Tell her you will be starting paid employment in September (Christmas temping etc) for the new school year, now that your kids are older and less reliant on you, and they will be going to after school clubs. You are happy to help out until then. Or in emergency, at weekends etc.

YANBU.

I work from home but I am so utterly busy I hardly have time to think straight. I have a farm too. Move right in Sarky! I make a very good friend but even for me this time bells are ringing.

I really appreciate all your opinions, thank you.