To ask DP not to buy me something because I want a more expensive one?

[GuiltyParty]

I'm not materialistic but like most people, I have certain things that I'd rather pay a bit more for. I've recently been saving up to buy myself a watch. It's a white gold designer watch for roughly £150.
My birthday is coming up and DP has kindly said he'd like to buy me the watch. My first reaction was "oh no, it's too expensive, I'll save up for that" so he asked how much it was. I told him and he said "oh I could find it cheaper than that, don't worry!".
I don't want a cheaper one!! Anyway I tried putting him off but he's since sent me links of £20-£30 silver watches which he thinks are "the same" but they're really not.
I was once saving up to buy myself a beautiful white gold bracelet and he said he wanted to get me it. I tried putting him off but he insisted and I ended up with a £10 costume jewellery bracelet which he insists I wear everytime we go out. I don't mean to be horrible but it looks like something a 5 year old would wear.
I just want to buy my watch in peace. How do I make him realise that I don't want a cheap version of the thing I really want?

ask him to either give you money towards your watch or suggest something else for your birthday , It isnt the same watch he probably knows that men do like tatt a bargain

But why isn't he listening? Normally people listen to their partners wishes and don't deliberately override them despite you clearly telling him what you want. That isn't very nice, it is controlling and YANBU.

I'd chuck out the bracelet.

As long as you and your family don't have any financial problems, then of course you can save up and buy yourself the occasional treat.

develop an allergy Its just came to me im genuinley allergic to cheap jewellry I think its the nickel , so i cant wear cheap watches,

Oh and I inherited some money recently and slugged on an expensive watch, it's a classic I will wear for years and it feels lovely. Every time I look at it it makes me happy so YANBU :)

splurged

Why don't you just buy the watch now then ask his for something else. £150 is not an unreasonable amount to spend on a watch anyway, I could understand if it was £2k so he was looking for something cheaper, I assumed most decent watches cost around that or at least £50 (not £20 or 30).

With regards to the bracelet, that would have broken a long time ago in my house

Agree with others - " lose" the cheap bracelet and don't mention you've lost it until he asks where it is.
Ask for a contribution to the watch you want and be firm.
My DH is a bit like yours. He is definitely not controlling, just genuinely doesn't see the difference - he would hear "watch", not "that watch and only that watch", then get all excited about buying me something he truly believes that I want.

In the end you just have to be selective about what you ask for .

I second breaking or losing the bracelet. Just be very clear this bus what is happening ie you are going to save for the one you want if he buys you another it will never be worn. A little difficult to understand your dh tbh I would mention to my partner that my heart set on a certain something and that would be that, he wants me to have something I really love at the end of the day.

I wouldn't break the bracelet or you might end up with a replacement. I think a 'No, I fancied wearing a different one tonight.' is in order.

I think with the bracelet I would have told him at the time that it wasn't the one I wanted and that I didn't like it and could I take it back and exchange it for money to put towards the one you want. I would tell him emphatically that his watch isn't the one you want and that you don't want him to buy you a watch and if he isn't happy to put money towards the watch you want then you'd rather he bought you something else like x.
In future maybe avoid mentioning expensive items of jewellery to him and give him specific cheaper things to buy as presents.
I earn more than my husband but our money is joint. If I mentioned I liked something I wouldn't expect him to buy me a cheap imitation, although if we can't afford it at the time it's fine for him to say he'll just get me something small so more money goes towards whatever I want.

erm, just tell him?

I'm with Valium on the bracelet. Don't start playing silly games about breaking or losing - be an adult, and say 'no, I've chosen this one tonight'.

The present thing is hard. My H is awful for buying similar-but-not-what-I-want. It's not even a money thing - sometimes he'll spend more than I want to. It seems important to him to buy 'things' - money towards wouldn't feel like a present to him. I always tell him he doesn't need to get anything, but he wants to. I had all kinds of frustration over this - it's not an exaggeration to say I felt disrespected when I had said in black and white I don't want X, and bought X. This has included him wasting SEVENTY pounds on second hand eBay boots that were 2 sizes too big! (and a BIN that was way overpriced, so now we have to sit on them till winter and hope to get £30 back)

sorry - all about me there! Point is, this year I have changed tack. I used to feel frustrated that I now couldn't buy what I wanted. I could afford it, but it seemed so wasteful to have two similar (but not the same!) things. Usually eBay so I couldn't exchange. Well, my new approach is that it's his problem! If his purchase gathers dust (until I can decently eBay it) so be it. I get what I want anyway.

To be fair, he doesn't hassle me - though he's like a bloody sulky child if I'm not enthusiastic about whatever present I explicitly said no to...

Talking about it is the best option on paper - but I know what it's like to have a partner NOT LISTEN. he's not controlling - just won't listen, but selfish - the giving is about his wants not mine.

It still frustrates me, but not as much as it did before I just bought what I wanted anyway.

My advice would be to ask for something else. Then if it's the watch, accept nicely, and wear it until you save up for yours.

If he then INSISTS - re-evaluate the relationship.

I am concerned that he 'insists' you wear the bracelet he bought you. I think you have to start saying no - you are a grown woman and should be free to wear whatever you want. Time to be a little more direct with him. You can still be kind in how you do it, but you shouldn't have to subjugate your wishes to his. As valium said, you should just say that you fancy wearing something else tonight.

Wrt the watch, you need to be quite blunt, before he buys you a cheap watch that you don't want. Leave no room for misunderstanding and if he still ignores you, then you will know he is doing it on purpose, rather than from a trying to be helpful pov.

definately like the post where someone said think of something else you 'really would prefer instead'. or ask for money then keep saving for the one you want

I was going to say that YABU based on your thread title. I was thinking you were asking him to buy the more expensive one.

But as you are saving up yourself and it's one you really want then YANBU

I would have a row about the cheap bracelet, and tell him bluntly that: you hate it, have always hated it, it looks like a kids bracelet, and you will never wear it again.

If he complains then tell him bluntly, you are not asking him to spend more money, he can buy you something in his price range you will appreciate, but for jewellery etc. you will save up and buy your own.

But then I can be an argumentative person. My DH spends more than £30 on my B'day present, and either buys exactly what I ask for or takes my DD shopping. He also learnt not to over-rule my DDs after I primed my youngest to buy a particular book for my Birthday and he over-ruled her, I was very surprised and then explained to him that I had really wanted the book he didn't think I wanted (The Miracle at Speedy Motors). I think he thought it was about cars or something.

Set up a wish list on Amazon or similar site. That way you get a surprise, but the thing you want (hopefully).

Only thing was (says she gently) I noticed that you said something along the lines of "I feel I should be entitled to spend my salary on the things I want" - many posters on here have roundly criticised 'd'hs who appear to feel the same thing and act accordingly.

I mentioned it was my salary as we don't live together. Finances are totally separate.
The thing is, it's not even about money. He asked me what I wanted for my birthday and I sent him an amazon link to a CD I wanted that was £3!! that's all I wanted! I would have been thrilled if he'd got me just that. It's really not about the money.

Totally agree with Nagoo. My thoughts exactly.
Ask him for some earrings that will look good with your watch when you buy it for yourself.

Next time he tells you to wear the bracelet, tell him if he likes it so much he should wear it Say that it doesn't go with your outfit, you need a white gold one but as you don't have one you the best one to go with it is [any other bracelet you have that he didn't give you].

And actively tell him that he is not being helpful in finding you cheap alternatives, he is actually being unhelpful. And if he tells you that you are being silly, point out that no, he is being the silly one - don't let him win the argument otherwise he will always think he is in the right.

Does he ever want particular things for his birthday/christmas that you could start doing the same thing back to him that he does to you? YOu mentioned the different cars but I am guessing you probably don't give each other cars as presents...

So for example, if he supports a big footie team, could you give him the scarf for their enemy team the local Division 99 team 'as it's still a football scarf and you found it much cheaper than the other team's one, it's a football scarf just the same'. Or if he has a regular brand of beer/wine/baked beans that he really likes, stop buying it and start buying the tesco extra cheap basic value range version of it instead. Anything so he can see that the value something has isn't just about the cost in pounds, but about the context, the taste, the design, the quality, the ingredients etc used to create it...

It has to be something he really cares about though otherwise it won't work...

Good luck. And if the worst happens and he does buy you a watch you don't like practise your best disappointed face and in your head know exactly what you are going to say so that he knows you are upset that he has gone ahead and bought you something you had told him you didn't want, that it is not about the money spent but about the control and ignoring your wishes, and that please can you have the receipt so you can take it back and get something you would like he might as well keep it as he obviously likes it as when he bought it he knew you didn't like it let alone want it.

If you don't live together he is more of a boyfriend than a partner. To me partner implies shared house, finances and usually on mumsnet children.
If you earn more than him, he can't afford your expensive watch and he has form for buying cheap imitations of jewellery before then i really don't understand why you ever mentioned the watch to him. Why not just save up for the watch and show it to him once it's bought?
I would tell him firmly that you don't want him to buy you anything watch related and suggest things within his price range.
If I love someone I'd occasionally wear something they bought me to keep them happy even if i dislike it, but if they insisted i wear something I'd tell them I prefer to choose my own jewellery for outfits, plus if he doesn't live with you then you don't invite him round until you are ready.
Him buying you jewellery also doesn't have to stop you buying jewellery you want.
In general though just don't discuss or mention jewellery to him, that isn't usually too difficult with most blokes.

I also think a link to something costing £3 could have seemed insulting to him which is why he has persisted with the watch. I think you have to think of something nice for the price he usually spends on you.