About DSS and mobile phones

[balia]

Right, not sure this is a great place for this but wanted a range of opinions.

DSS has a birthday coming up and has been asking (for what seems like forever) for a mobile phone. DH and I have always said in the past that he could have one for his 11th birthday; his big (step) sister got one at this age, and we were thinking it would be a great way for him to be able to keep in touch with his Dad when he is at his Mum's (she doesn't have a landline and hasn't given us her mobile number so DSS doesn't have phone contact).

However, his mum has said he can't have one. She says they cause brain tumours and that she hasn't allowed her older son to have one so it would be unfair.

Obviously we/him are disappointed, but we were thinking that we could still get him one to use when he is with us, but not take it to his mum's? Then he could keep in touch with his mates (something that is bound to be far more important in the next few years) and we would have more peace of mind when allowing him a bit more freedom to go out and about by himself.

Does this seem like a reasonable compromise?

Is her older son also your dh's?

I think your plan sounds fine, but does it mean that DSS will have to lie to his mum?

No, her older son has no contact with his father.

We have had a number of situations where DH's parenting style and DSS's mum's have been in conflict and we have had to make difficult decisions. She does have MH issues that complicate matters. But no, we would not expect DSS to lie, and I am always very unhappy about the idea that DSS lying ny omossion, IYSWIM. Perhaps the best thing to do would be for DH to tell her that we are buying a mobile phone rather than put DSS in that position?

Just reading through my post - for clarity, no, DH is not the father of her older son.

yes you'd have to tell her otherwise it puts dss in a difficult position. Any chance you could agree with her and him that he can just use it for texting or get handsfree to alleviate her brain tumor worries?

Deliberately going against her wishes is going to royally piss her off - what if she takes it out on you by curtailing visits or something? I think you're a bit, well, daft to wind her up over something like a phone for a 10-11 yr old. He doesn't need one, it's not a necessity of life, and "giving in" and respecting her wishes over this could well give you the "moral high ground" and/or brownie points with her that you will need later on when something that actually IS important comes up and your DH takes the opposing stance to his ex. She is DSS mother after all, and from the sound of it has the main custody and residence with him - you can't just deliberately over rule her on something she feels strongly about, and for all you know may yet turn out to be right on the harm front, without causing a load of unnecessary ill feeling.

What about using a headset? Woulf she allow that?

PomBear, I'm sorry, but I have to disagree with you. Giving in to her (the mothers) wishes simply gives her ground to be increasingly irrational, it grants no moral high ground at all and just makes her think she's "won". I agree that an 11 yo doesn't "need" a mobile but so many kids of that age now have one, and his big sister got one at that age, so it seems "fair" to me that DSS gets one.

However, I speak from the pov of someone whose DS is being irrationally denied contact with his DS, so I may be less than sympathetic to fuckwit mothers. Don't see why her "feelings" are more important than the fathers, or indeed the childs.

Sorry if I derailed this.

Think the headset idea is very good, Sashh and Sandy, had not thought of this - it may allay her anxiety.

She can't curtail contact Pombear - DH has a very clearly defined contact order. We are in no way trying to wind her up, but I take your point, we need to consider these things very carefully - but there are such a lot of things like this! We try to be careful and sensitive as each issue comes up, which is why I posted, really, to get opinions. She has very definite 'alternative' views, some of which we absolutely respect eg DSS is a vegetarian, and she has some issues that are to do with her MH problems - eg DSS can't have his hair cut anywhere but in her house - which we also don't challenge as at the moment DSS doesn't seem all that fussed, or at least not fussed enough to cope with the upset of challenging it.

But there are also things that we do over rule her on, even if she feels strongly about them, because we feel that is what is best for DSS and that is more important than her feelings. Being a mother does not mean all your decision are the best ones and DH is DSS's father 'after all' - so DSS has sleepovers here, he is allowed to choose his own clothes, he has to have a bath/shower every day, to go out on his bike by himself...in fact that is one of the reasons we are keen on the mobile even if he can't take it home, so that he can have a bit more independence and we can have peace of mind. And I think it is important that DSS knows there are other ideas about life that are equally valid (and to be able to recognise those ideas that stem from mental illness) and that it is OK to make his own choices when appropriate.