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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

for being upset re my sister's visit?

50 replies

twatsvilleusa · 24/04/2012 21:19

I am not from UK but have lived here for about 10 years now. All family apart from my immediate family unit are overseas (Aus). I havent been back for 18 months and prior to that last visit, it had been 2 years or so. The visit 18 months ago was for 2 weeks and was for my sister's wedding. It cost our family thousands to fly there for her weddingbut I wouldnt have missed it for the world. It will be about 3 years before we can get back again.

My sister and her husband didnt want gifts for their wedding, they requested money to help them go on honeymoon to UK and various european countries . They have just completed their 3 week holiday and go back tomorrow.

During the time they were here, they were in London for a total of about 7 days, in stints - 3 days, then to paris for a while then back for 2 then to other parts of europe (spain and italy) and then back for 2 . They spent the time with friends from back home who now also live in UK.

My sister didnt have any time to see me on this trip as her "itinery was too busy". We live "up north" so she kept saying it would be inconvenient to travel to see us . I said I would travel to london even to meet her for a coffee for an hour but she just couldnt fit me in.

I feel awfully hurt about this, especially as I can see she is surrounded by people she is meeting up with (facebook) and that her UK days havent been honeymoon alone time.

Am I being completely selfish thinking it was a bit rough not fitting me in even for a coffee and a hug?

OP posts:

hopefulgum · 24/04/2012 23:58

YANBU, that was really very neglectful of your sister. Surely she could spare a couple of hours. I'm so sorry - as I know how it hurts when family members do this.

Over the years I've just kept quiet,but I now wish I'd said something as I feel it is too late now. I would email her and just clearly tell her that you felt hurt.

You were certainly not selfish - she was...

MarySA · 25/04/2012 00:04

I'd be very hurt too. it was selfish and inconsiderate of her. Not sure if I'd say anything though. But I would be inclined not to put myself out for her another time. But whether or not I would actually follow this through I don't know. It's a difficult one. I certainly would be a bit cool about getting in touch for a while.

AgentZigzag · 25/04/2012 00:12

Could it have more to do with your BIL than your sister?

I presume they both decided what they were going to do, although saying that I don't want to make you think badly of him and start a snowballing death of your relationship with him

But it could have panned out that he maybe wanted to do such and such, and your sister - thinking she has a brilliant relationship with you - knows you won't be offended not seeing her, so wants him to have a chance to do stuff he wants too?

What's her DH like?

thatisall · 25/04/2012 04:17

aww this sucks....YANBU, she should have fit in a visit. What will you do when you go back down under?

Thumbwitch · 25/04/2012 04:32

I'm actually pretty disgusted with your sister - what a self-centred mare she sounds.

IF you had insisted she come up north, I could see that it would have been more problematic - but you VOLUNTEERED to go down to London to meet up with her and she couldn't spare you a couple of hours??
Selfish little cow - and even if it was more to do with her new DH, so what? She should have said "NO, she is my sister and she brought her entire family out to our wedding at vast expense AND helped pay for this holiday, I'm buggered if I'm going to miss out on seeing her just because you fancy spending more time in the pub with your mates" - because that's what normal nice people would do.

If I went back to the UK after not having seen my family for 18m and then refused to spend time with my sister she would be justifiably heartbroken. And I would be a hateful bitch for refusing to see her (I do live in Australia and she does live in the UK).

So sorry. :(

diddl · 25/04/2012 08:06

Well I can almost see that if it was her honeymoon she/they might not want to bother(?) to travel to you.

But you offered to go to her-she sounds very selfish not to agree to that imo.

Paiviaso · 25/04/2012 10:01

I'd be way hurt too :(

ChitChatFlyingby · 25/04/2012 10:12

OP - I know exactly how that feels. Almost identical situation to you, except I'm the younger one. My 'D'sis was here recently and only stayed with me 2 nights because we were a convenient luggage store while she and her friend went to Paris, so stayed the night before and after their Paris trip.

In Aus, she and another sister live in a different to city to where I'm from and where my DM and the rest of my family is. They travel to the 'home' city about once every 1 or 2 months (and more I suspect but don't tell the family so they don't have to see them), but could they do that when I'm there? Not unless there's some other special occasion that brings them. And even then, I only see them for a cuppa at my DM's house, and their social outings are with everyone else.

This has been going on ever since I moved. (Coincidentally, 10 years, too!!!) I've given up, TBH. Although fortunately for me I have one DSis who is lovely and who I keep in contact with frequently.

captainmummy · 25/04/2012 10:25

I'm amazed that 'oop north' is too far. To an Australian that sort of distance is just round the corner, surely?

V sad for you OP

sunnydelight · 25/04/2012 10:27

Of course YANBU, I would be really upset too. I'm in Oz and my sister is in Ireland. I can't imagine how upset I would be if she came over and didn't see me.

steben · 25/04/2012 10:34

YANBU I think she has behaved very selfishly and been utterly thoughtless. I am in a similar situation to you and to be honest it never ceases to amaze me how selfish people can be - especially when you are the one spending 1,000s to make sure you attend important events/visit.

Not sure how to addres it though - i would speak to my sister about it in similar situation but we would doubtless have huge row.

ChitChatFlyingby · 25/04/2012 10:34

Captain is right, to an Australian it's an afternoon drive !!!!

alphabite · 25/04/2012 10:34

YANBU. To be honest in a couple of weeks I would let her know she's hurt you. I can't imagine treating my sister like that or her not visiting me in that situation.

hattifattner · 25/04/2012 10:46

i understand how you feel. My parents came over and didn't tell us. Then my dad popped in for 2 hours the day before they left. My mother didn't bother. They were 45 mins away for 6 weeks without telling us. :(

RaPaPaPumPumBootyMum · 25/04/2012 13:22

OMG hatti

You mean your parents came to the UK from Aus, were here for 6 weeks, were staying 45 minutes away and didn't tell you or visit [apart from your Dad popping in the day before they left]?

Words fail me.

That is horrendous.

And OP, another YANBU from me. I am also an Aussie living in London [14 years now!] and I would be beyond devastated and furious if any of my family did not make the effort to see me if they were holidaying here.

I mean we only see each in person every few years anyway as it's such a long and expensive journey. Your DS must have realised it is unlikely that she will get another opportunity to see you for a while. Unless you have upset her in some way [?] I cannot imagine why she would be fobbing you off like that.

I would also be very hurt, particularly if I had made the effort to travel to Aus for HER wedding and incurred great cost and inconvenience [as flying inevitably entails] on HER behalf.

OP, have some and at least relax in the knowledge that you are a far better sister than she is On an aside, has she always been so self centred and thoughtless?

Jenny70 · 25/04/2012 14:03

I agree YANBU, she is being unreasonable in the extreme.

Perhaps I can credit her not wanting to come "up north", it would take 1-2 days of her trip time to come up, catch up and then come back.... but honestly if you had offered to come to her and she still said no, I'd be kicking a stink (whilst on the phone), telling her how hurtful she is being.

Even if it's her husband saying "no time" she has to take some blame, she has her own opinions and if she can't express them to her husband then her marriage is probably doomed.

hattifattner · 25/04/2012 20:30

RaPaPaPumPumBootyMum, spot on, (except they come from another former colony). & I have 3 kids who they never see. Cruel beyond belief. Needless to say, we no longer talk.

DublinMammy · 25/04/2012 20:44

YANBU, she is being a selfish, thoughtless bitch. Have a and try not to let it eat away at you.

MumPaula · 25/04/2012 20:59

YANBU your Sister acted selfish and mean. You have every right to feel upset about his.

midoriway · 25/04/2012 21:06

Even uber-cool DJ/ Music industry types manage to find time to meet up with their daggy family. Unless there is serious bad blood between you, your sister made a piss weak choice in not finding time to catch up with you.

As another Aussie north of London, I would be so hurt if my sister did something like this, but it wouldn't even begin to touch the incandescent rage if our mother found out.

redwineformethanks · 25/04/2012 22:07

How sad for you. Normally I say suck it up, but this time maybe worth a quiet word

1950sHousewife · 25/04/2012 22:16

twatvell - I am gutted for you.

I have been in a similar circ where I practically had to beg my Dsis to visit us whilst she was over in this country. She was going to stay with my dad (5 hours drive away) who really doesn't want 2 young DCs kicking around the place for 2 weeks. At last she agreed to spend a week up here. I felt so sad as sad sort of situation as you.

I think when you are the family who is away from the core group, people just don't understand how precious a visit is.
I would say something. Not aggressively or whingingly (otherwise she'll think the local Poms have rubbed off on you ) but just heartfelt. After all, it's not like you weren't offering to go down to London. That part makes me

RaPaPaPumPumBootyMum · 26/04/2012 10:14

Hatti I am so sorry

It is entirely their loss that they are not involved in your life nor that of your 3 DC. But I imagine it might be very disappointing and upsetting for you.

Was just wondering if you had any idea why they acted the way they did? Please don't feel you have to answer that question here but I just wondered if you had the opportunity to discuss your feelings and their behaviour with them. Because it seems incomprehensible to me. However perhaps they have always been self-centred and thoughtless..?

Hatti have some from me. Parents really suck sometimes don't they.

2rebecca · 26/04/2012 12:28

Your sister does sound thoughtless, and sadly as though she doesn't value your company, but if there are 15 years between you she maybe doesn't feel you are particularly close or have much in common. I understand some of her reluctance to turn a holiday into a relly visiting session as these are usually more duty than pleasure unless you are close.
This will seem hurtful if you thought you had a close relationship.
Not much you can do about it though apart from accept that your sister doesn't see you as a close friend and maybe emotionally distance yourself from her a bit and not go out of your way for her in the future.
She probably genuinely didn't have time to fit the north of England into her schedule and felt guilty at the thought of dragging you down to London for only an hour with you maybe doing the "it's a shame we didn't have longer, you must come and visit us etc". perhaps you wouldn't have done that but alot of relatives do.

hattifattner · 27/04/2012 10:55

RaPaPaPumPumBootyMum APparently they dont like to be pinned down - and silly me, when they visited, unannounced and with no forewarning one year, my kids were away at their other grandparents, so they got the hump. ANother year, I had a go at them and asked if they could let me know exact dates so I could arrange to take kids out of school. This was too much pressure on them apparently.

Culminated in a big row where they came reluctantly at 6pm one evening, went to bed straight after supper (like 8:30) and dad left the following am at 6am to return the car. Mum sat reading a book, ignoring the children. When dad arrived back at noon (from 45mins away), I suggested a nice meal at local pub, to which they replied they were going to my Dsis for lunch. In North London. And left.

When I try to say anything, Im "too sensitive". Hey ho, I just ignore now - if im here, they can visit, if not, then I wont know about it anyway.

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