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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think that there is something wrong with DD if she only has older boy friends?

24 replies

Schnullerbacke · 24/04/2012 13:39

Maybe its nothing and maybe Dh and I are overreacting so give it to us straight.

DD (5) is a bit of a loner. Nothing wrong with that I guess. Her two best friends (girls) live in another country so we dont get to see them that often. We do our best to stay in contact.

When she started reception in September, she had a few 'loose' friends in her class but quickly made friends with the older boys in school (year 6). She was running around with them at break times etc. Three months later we moved and for the next two months she would only talk about this particular boy she was playing with. She was besotted with him. She made lots of drawings and crafty things for him which I had to send on to him.

So, new school. Does she make friends in her class? No, she only plays with the older ones during play time. And yet again, she has her own special boy again (year 6). I did ask the teacher about it and she did say she talks to other girls in her class but I am not convinced. Whenever I see her in school (daily) she always hangs back from the other children in her class. She is not bullied but I guess she doesnt put the effort in either.

This morning DH dropped her off and he felt really uncomfortable by the ensuing situation. DD took her little sister to meet this boy. But she just stood there, he wasnt paying her any attention and she was so desperate for it. It was very awkward apparently.

I dont suspect anything sinister going on. And she is probably the little tag-along, who this boy plays with every now and then. BUT, she is fixated on him, won't play with anyone else and I am concerned, I have to be honest. Fast forward to a few years and I can foresee all sorts of problems.

I think we both have a good relationship with her but cannot help feel that there isnt something quite right. Are we BU?

OP posts:
Mrbojangles1 · 24/04/2012 13:42

She is 5 and is hanging around with 11 year old boys I would speak to the school

I can't see what they would have in common I woul be worried

Mrsjay · 24/04/2012 13:53

They probably are funny and silly and naughty so she is looking up to them , but at 11 I think its a bit old to be letting a little girl hang about with them , FWIW my dds played and get on with boys better than they did/do girls but they are there age ,

Original poster
Schnullerbacke · 24/04/2012 13:56

I have no problems if she plays with boys but why cant they be her age? I just dont see what she gets out of it. We try talking about it but am not getting any clear answers.

I was considering talking to the boy and may get him to discourage the relationship but I guess she would just 'latch' onto someone else Sad

OP posts:
snowmummy · 24/04/2012 13:57

It sounds like she may need some help and encouragement to make friends nearer her own age. Have a chat with her teacher to see if they can help with this. Perhaps they could buddy her up with some girls in her class.

NatashaBee · 24/04/2012 13:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mrbojangles1 · 24/04/2012 13:59

I think it a bit odd the school don't find this strange

Is this very common op did the school say they would keep a eye out if not ask

savoycabbage · 24/04/2012 14:03

The boy might just be putting up with her following him round for the sake of being nice. They have probably been told to keep an eye out and look after the younger ones.

I would make an appointment to see her class teacher and see if between you, you can work on her friendships in the class.

My friend has a dd (5) who only likes to play with boys and it is the silliness in them she likes. My own dd (8) has a best friend for the last three years who is a boy. They do everything together but it is him she likes, not the fact he is a boy.

Mrsjay · 24/04/2012 14:11

I have to agree with natasha and nothing sinister but i do think she needs friends of her own age to play with . perhaps the boys are just being nice to her ,

welliesandpyjamas · 24/04/2012 14:16

Did you say that she has started a new school mid way through the school year? (Wasn't sure if I understood that or not, sorry).

The reason I ask is that at the start of the last two school years, my DS2 (now in year 4) has been 'latched on' to by a gaggle of reception kids, both genders. The little ones, being new and excited, I think see in him a funny older boy and enjoy following him around or chasing him. He's very good with little ones (no choice, he has a little brother and younger cousins!). The following and chasing wear thin quite soon but he knows the rules, and knows he can't tell them to go away, knows he has to look out for the younger ones. Last year, telling me about it, he was quite tearful at times with the frustration of not wanting them there all the time and knowing he couldn't do much about it, poor dab!

If your dd has just started a new school, it may well be a normal reaction for her to look for something (reassurance, maturity?) in older kids as she settles in to her new setting? I don't know. Your description just reminded me of ds1's annual issues! The reception kids do grow out of it within a few weeks, but they always say hello to him at the gates.

iwantbrie · 24/04/2012 14:17

In DC's school year 6 pupils are encouraged to look after the younger children and will often be assigned certain classes to look after at playtime and dinnertime. This generally leads to a bit of hero worship among the younger children, maybe it's the same with your DD?
It might be worth asking if there is a playtime club or buddies system in the school for children who prefer quieter play or feel a bit left out. My DD sometimes uses the one at school - it worked for her when she had a problem settling into her new class at the start of the year (year 1).
HTH

Mrsjay · 24/04/2012 14:19

Yes our primary 7s (scotland) look after the younger kids So maybe this boy is just looking after her if shes not really friends with anybody else ,

whatsallthefuss · 24/04/2012 14:20

my DD was fixated with Bertie two years ago. She was 6 Bertie must have been 10. she went on ans on and on about Bertie. How they used to plass kiss chase etc

i sked her what Bertie felt about it and she said ... he shouts no no no and runs away but we all chase him anyway.

Queue mammoth worry about later on when she is saying no and meaning no!

we talked about it and i said how do you know he doesnt mean no ans she said he giggles all the time and there are about 20 girls chasing him

it lasted a whole term and then we never heard about Bertie again.

maybe it will just pass as a phase?

Original poster
Schnullerbacke · 24/04/2012 14:23

Thank you all for your comments so far. We actually do have a parent-teacher meeting next week so will bring it up again.

There was another post a few days ago about a boy (8) explaining to his 8-year old friend (girl) what oral sex is. I just don't want to go down than road. I agree its probably all innocent for now but I dont want her hanging with the older boy and eventually being exposed to that. I understand it will happen at some point but the later the better obviously.

Its very difficult where we live. Not many children around here at her age...We're going to Rainbows but even there she will politely talk to the girls but will not be interested in them (playdates etc).

OP posts:
ZZZenAgain · 24/04/2012 14:27

but she has had best friends who are girls (you wrote they live in another country). Can the school team her up with a buddy for playtime perhaps? And when you know who that girl (presumably) is , invite her for a sleepover on Friday? It wouldn't matter then if she lives quite some distance away.

I am sure she has just fixed on this boy because she got into the habit of playing with older boys in her previous school. I am sure you can help her make friends her own age.

Mrsjay · 24/04/2012 14:28

If she isnt a girls girl Is there any little boys in her class she speaks about , when dd2 was younger she wasnt very good at making friends , you have to catch who they are talking about . so when i heard her say Xs name a few times i said why dont you ask him to play at playtime , It does sort of sink in ,

MrsShitty · 24/04/2012 14:29

Well....is she quite bright? There's a girl in my DDs class who is VERY clever but also very sporty and confident...she prefers big boys as they seem to be the only ones who match her in terms of things.

Her Mum worries too...could you join your DD up to the local brownies so she has to be with some of the girls too?

MrsShitty · 24/04/2012 14:30

ZZ a sleepover at 5 isn't ideal for most parents if they dont knw the family well. A playdate maybe.

RosemaryandThyme · 24/04/2012 14:37

My 4 year old boy adores an 11 year old boy at school.

My older son seems to have attracted a gaggle of reception girls.

I think it's all pretty harmless, maybe just have a few friends from your daughters class home for tea now and again to build those friendships.

MrsShitty · 24/04/2012 14:42

I agree it is quite normal for a 5 year old girl to attach to older kids...you need to encourage her to make new friends. Ask her teacher which little girls she might suggest you ask for a play...she will know which ones are easy going and friendly.

Chattymummyhere · 24/04/2012 14:43

At school, primary and secondary I was always friends with the older boys. I got on better with boys than girls on a whole and still do to this day I find girls very bitchy, the reason for hanging around the older kids was because they where more on my level mentally. To this day all boyfriends have been older than me, my partner is older and so are all my friends because they are more mature than those my age. I wouldn't worry to much unless she is not talking to any of her class mates.

ZZZenAgain · 24/04/2012 15:09

yes, I suppose MrsS. My dd loved sleepovers at that age but I can imagine not everyone is comfortable with it.

welliesandpyjamas · 24/04/2012 18:39

I don't know for sure, OP, but I don't think most 8 year olds are talking about oral sex! My 8 year old and his friends cover their ears and run away if they hear the word 'snog', so anything more would just tip them over the edge Grin And this isn't in a sheltered school in a Naice Area Grin Hopefully that thread hou read was an exception.

groovejet · 24/04/2012 18:45

Quite normal in dd's school for the older boys & girls to look out for the younger ones.

DD1 still gets greeted by the boys who played with her even though they are now at secondary.

Dd2 gets fawned over by the older children.

Most of the older children who are most interested in looking out for the younger ones are those who have no younger siblings so I think they just enjoy playing a big brother/sister role.

gobbledegook1 · 24/04/2012 20:12

I was going to say similar to Chattymummyhere.

I have always got on better with boys than girls and the majority of my friends have always been and still are boys / men (usually less bitchy and more reliable). A lot of my friends are also a lot older and always were. I was always quite mature as a child and found people my own age a bit childish, maybe this is how your daughter feels.

I wouldn't worry too much.

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