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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want friends to visit

27 replies

Rhubarbgarden · 24/04/2012 12:35

I'm generally a very social person with lots of energy, and I'm always rushing around getting things done, going to meet friends and organising things. But I'm almost eight months pregnant now, and suddenly feel like I've been overdoing it lately. DH wants me to slow down and clear my diary for the last month, and frankly this is very appealing as I'm starting to feel exhausted. But I have a number of friends who keep saying 'we must meet up before you drop!' and I'm finding it impossible to say no. Some of them are a bit needy - relationship problems etc, so I feel cruel not being there for them, and one is about to have a baby herself (her first) and I'm determined to go and visit her when her dc arrives as she is a bit out on a limb where she lives, with very little support, but DH says it's too far (2 hour drive) and what happens if I go into labour halfway there (dd was a fortnight early, so it could happen again).

I want to be there for everyone, but I also want to curl up on the sofa with my feet up. I got another message from another friend this morning wanting to schedule a catch up in the next couple of weeks, and I felt knackered just thinking about it. I tried to put her off, but my hint wasn't taken and I don't want to offend by saying an outright 'please don't come and visit'.

Any advice??

OP posts:
Lottapianos · 24/04/2012 12:39

Could you take the next week to do absolutely nothing and put people off by saying you're really not well - say you have a cold or something, rather than anything too scary. After a week of curling up, you may feel like a little bit of light socialising! You do need to put yourself first though - if you feel you need peace and calm, then make sure you get it. And hopefully sensitive friends would realise that this is hardly the time to be burdening you with relationship stuff.

startail · 24/04/2012 12:40

I found long car journeys got uncomfortable towards the end of pregnancy, even though neither DD was terribly large and I escaped the feeling really tired bit.

Just be honest and tell them your really tired, or a little white lie and say the MW said restWink

If your first was a bit early your second may be too (DD1 was 39 and DD2 39+4)

Ruthchan · 24/04/2012 12:41

It's great to be there for people, but sometimes you need to put yourself first.
This isn't something we get to do very often, but you have the perfect reason.
If they are really such good and important friends, they will completely understand. I certainly wouldn't complain if one of my friends asked to put off getting together until she was feeling stronger.
If you have one or two who you really want to see, could they come to your house? Sometimes staying put and having a cup of tea with a friend is less strenuous than having to go out with them.

PurplePidjin · 24/04/2012 12:44

How many of these people are asking what you want to do? How many are supportive when you want a moan about something? And how much effort are they putting in to see you?

They've had, what, 5 months (presuming you spilled the beans at 12 weeks) to catch up before you drop. Time to put yourself and your baby first! Real friends will be happy with a text/call.

Katienana · 24/04/2012 12:53

YANBU, your body is telling you to slow down and you should listen. Just say 'I'm too tired and staying in bed today' if people suggest meeting up/visiting and give a vague 'maybe next week'. Next week, do the same thing.

Original poster
Rhubarbgarden · 24/04/2012 13:57

Thanks. I feel a bit better about wanting time to myself now.

Purple they are generally supportive in my direction too with a couple of notable exceptions, or I wouldn't feel guilty about leaving them to stew for a bit.

Katie I've been trying to be vague but they just bounce it back to pin me down to a day/time. I think I need to lay it on a bit thicker about needing some time to veg out.

OP posts:
MsVestibule · 24/04/2012 14:10

Would it really be too exhausting to have friends round for a cup of tea? Only you know how exhausted you are, so only you can answer that one.

Regarding driving 2 hrs to visit a friend, no way!!! You could be half way there and start contracting. You could be there and have to give birth in her local hospital without your DH.. OK, not the end of the world, but as it's not a necessary journey, stay put, with your feet up!

TheBurderer · 24/04/2012 14:14

I get wanting to be there for your friends but you should stick to what you want- you are not a neglectful or bad friend if, at 8 months pregnant(!), you feel like you'd like to relax and take it easy. I know this is going to sound a bit harsh on your needy friends, but you've got something major going on right now and they need to accept that you might want to spend time relaxing and with your husband and daughter rather than helping out with their problems. They'll be fine, honestly.

Original poster
Rhubarbgarden · 24/04/2012 14:39

MsVestibule I know it sounds a bit pathetic claiming to be too tired to have a friend round for a cuppa Blush. If they just turned up on the doorstep, or rang me an hour before to suggest it I wouldn't actually bat an eyelid. It's all this 'let's arrange a date and time' thing makes me feel like I've got tonnes on and a diary full of stuff so I need to stay on the ball and not forget what's going on, and that feels like effort rather than a nice diversion. There isn't really a way round it though because they all have a good reason to need to be organised - childcare, work shifts, advance train tickets etc.

Maybe today is just a 'low' day and tomorrow I will feel more like getting on with things. Right now I could just pass out on the sofa and sleep for a week.

OP posts:
HeathRobinson · 24/04/2012 14:44

Rhubarbgarden - do you think you might be anaemic? The tiredness thing really rings a bell - overwhelming need to sit down/lie down and be supported by the bed or whatever.

hattifattner · 24/04/2012 14:46

Id agree with others - put yourself first. "Sorry, I cant make a specific date or time - baby is lying very low and MW said could arrive early, so I'm not making any plans - no not even little plans! But please feel free to pop in - just phone first in case I'm mooing ha ha! ANd I'll let you know any changes after I see MW next week....who knows I could have baby by then ha ha ha."

imnotmymum · 24/04/2012 14:48

If they are friends they will totally understand if you are honest and just say that too tired !! However if they are friends they would come round and make tea and bring you cake and expect nothing more from you than to stay with your feet up.

Original poster
Rhubarbgarden · 24/04/2012 14:53

Heath it's possible. I've got a midwife appointment tomorrow so I'll mention it. But I have definitely been doing too much - DH and my closest friends have been on at me for some time about it, so I do think that's what's behind this.

Hatti I like that, I can't see how even my most sensitive friends could get offended by that. And my midwife appt tomorrow is perfect timing to come out with that excuse. Thanks.

OP posts:
monkeytennismum · 24/04/2012 14:56

Agree with all those who are saying go with your gut instinct. However, you might get a bit bored if you don't see anyone in the last month. Can you book a couple of friends in but ask them to bring lunch for you both with them? That way you get company and a nice lunch but don't have to go anywhere.

I wouldn't mind at all if a friend asked this of me, and I wouldn't think twice about asking good friends to do it for me.

LifesComplicated · 25/04/2012 21:29

OP- I completely sympathise and remember feeling EXACTLY the same this time last year when I was 8months pg! I too had rushed around working/decorating/studying/socializing until the 11th hour then had an overwhelming need to relax in peace for the final fortnight. What I found panicky was all the well-meaning texts/calls from friends trying to pin me down to a 'window' to meet up "before you pop", which meant I had to still juggle my diary in a frenzied way, getting in a real old tizz by trying to appease everyone and fit it all in, when all I wanted was to have some quiet time with my DH. Verrrry stressful and annoying. Like you, I didn't want to offend and was so worried what people would think. However, when I started getting serious anxiety over it, with palpitations and tears, I took action and crafted a friendly but clear round-robin text explaining I was temporarily retiring from socialising for my final fortnight of pg in order to stock up on some much-needed rest and quiet, but that I was looking forward to seeing everyone soon once baby arrived. I also added a "no news means no news" coda, to prevent the inevitable barrage of texts enquiring if there's any baby news (although I did still receive a few of those texts and they almost drove me crazy!)
In short, YANBU and its essential you prioritize your emotional wellbeing during this special and important time. Send out a text or email explaining this, then turn off your mob, hide your diary, cuddle up with your family and sleeeeep. Good luck with it all.

ChitChatFlyingby · 25/04/2012 21:32

You could easily say 'I'm sorry, but I'm just too tired at the moment, and need to take each day as it comes'. That way if they hear that you have caught up with someone on one day they shouldn't get offended.

porcamiseria · 25/04/2012 22:01

lie, say you felt ill and midwife put you on bed rest?

porcamiseria · 25/04/2012 22:01

dont tempt fate actually! just say too tired

pinktrees · 25/04/2012 22:04

You need to rest - I would say that you are exhausted etc and don't meet up. Your DH is right - a long car journey at 8-9mths is heavy going and I would stay home.

PoppyWearer · 26/04/2012 00:14

YANBU. I felt like that too! Still do and DS is 8mo.

lookingtobuy · 26/04/2012 04:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hopandaskip · 26/04/2012 05:07

if your midwife is friendly and helpful I would explain the situation and ask her to say "it would be good for you to rest" so you can say that to your friends.

Original poster
Rhubarbgarden · 26/04/2012 07:45

Thanks all. Lifescomplicated that's exactly how I feel - it's just the mental effort of trying to cram everyone in, making me feel knackered. It's great having lots of friends, but...

Feeling a bit better anyway after a couple of nights of half decent sleep and not rushing around like a headless chicken. Although dd is suddenly showing signs of dropping her nap Shock - if that happens I am lost.

OP posts:
justmatureenough2bdad · 26/04/2012 08:02

hiya
it's really time to start thinking about yourself now...do what you want to do! Mrs just was all keen to go up visit her parents a 3 hour drive away, just to reassure them that everything was ok in that last few weeks of pg (there is history (stillbirth in labour due to (they think) decrease in placenta function))...i had to be uber-protective and was like...of course you can see them/talk to them, but they also have a car and the telephone is a marvellous new invention for this sort of thing!

give your friends a visiting window and tell them to bring cakes/scones/chocolate and you'll provide the tea and counselling!

good luck!

ps sorry for the bracket-fest earlier

Merrin · 26/04/2012 10:31

A sudden catching virus where you need to stay at home and watch box sets should do the job! Get them all to post you snacks and presents threw the letter box. :o