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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not going to brother's wedding...

21 replies

KnockedUpMell · 23/04/2012 18:32

My brother (and rest of my family) live in Malaysia. When my brother decided to get married, he asked my mum which date would suit best, and between the three of them they decided on the date, and mum told me after that the wedding would be on that date and could I come..

There's no way I could take annual leave that week and anyway, when I went back to work FT I arranged for my annual leave to be taken as individual days every week so I work 4 days a week, and I don't have any annual leave left to take. I do however have a whole week off the week before (built into the rota after I do a set of nights), and told my mum and brother this before they started on the wedding prep. ( wasn't really expecting them to change the date, but was just letting them know that it may be the only way I could come)

They stuck to the same date (fair enough, their choice), but my mum is now telling me I am being unreasonable for not taking sick /emergency parental leave for a couple of days, and expects me to fly to Malaysia (13hours) on the Thursday/Friday, get there in time for the wedding, and fly back on the Sunday. She accepts that this will be difficult to do with my DS (will be 16m) then, and wants me to leave him behind. (we bf and co sleep and I have never left him for more than 12h, and don't really want to leave him!) I will also be 18w pg at the time, and don't really want to travel long haul for 48h, and tire myself out when I have to come back to work the following day.

My brother hasn't expressed a strong wish for me to be there anyway (which I am hurt about), and although I would love to go for the wedding, it feels like I'm not really wanted there (when I planned my wedding, we asked all family members before hand if they could make the date before we settled on it), so why should I put myself through such a crazy arrangement?? AIBU?

OP posts:
SimplySoo · 23/04/2012 18:35

YANBU, all the circumstances you describe make it clear it's not easy for you to come. No one should be expected to lie to their employer about 'emergency leave'!

EssentialFattyAcid · 23/04/2012 18:37

YANBU and don't feel in the least guilty about your decision

YankNCock · 23/04/2012 18:39

YANBU. Your family is being ridiculous. If they were that concerned about you coming, they'd have consulted you on the date before settling on it.

At 18 weeks you might not even be over morning sickness (I wasn't!) and travelling long haul is not going to be easy, with or without a 16 month old. I would never have voluntarily left my son for that long at that age, though I was in hospital for 5 days with food poisoning so couldn't see him--it was horrible!

Also a risk to your job if you beg off sick and then they find out you've faked it to go to a wedding!

Stick to your guns, you're not going, you wish him the best.

Pollykitten · 23/04/2012 18:39

Of course you YANBU - even if you weren't pg, had a DS and tricky leave arrangements, you are still NBU for not being able to fly to Malaysia! Just send them a thoughtful gift and maybe a DVD recording of you and DS wishing them well and leave it that.

ENormaSnob · 23/04/2012 18:42

Yanbu

If they were that arsed about you being there the wedding would be the week before.

Northernlurker · 23/04/2012 18:42

I don't think you should do that much long haul flying so close together in your condition anyway. Your risk of PE is higher in pregnancy anyway. With 26 hours on a plane in a 96 hour period It'll be through the roof!
Just write this one off and remember that NO is a complete sentence Grin

Don't say I can't come because....just say I can't come.

DublinMammy · 23/04/2012 18:47

YANBU. That doesn't mean you won't hear them whining it about for the rest of your life.

Original poster
KnockedUpMell · 23/04/2012 18:52

It's only my mum getting all worked up about me not being there. I told her that was a crazy suggestion that wouldn't work and she got all huffy with me and laid on a guilt trip about 'me only having one brother' etc...

OP posts:
YankNCock · 23/04/2012 18:56

I only have one brother, and I didn't make it to his wedding. We couldn't afford it, and I was 32 weeks pregnant and couldn't find travel insurance to cover me going to the U.S. anyway.

Neither of my parents could come from the U.S. when I got married for the second time. DH's dad couldn't come because he'd recently had hip surgery and it was all too complicated. He didn't make it to his other son's wedding either for the same reason.

nutellaontoast · 23/04/2012 18:58

I take it you have no mission of telling your employer the tale and changing your week of annual leave?

Anyway "Look Mum no-one more upset about it than me, but it's just not possible" should work.

Safire · 23/04/2012 18:58

YANBU

fedupofnamechanging · 23/04/2012 19:01

It's wrong to take emergency leave if there is no real emergency - it leaves your employer short staffed and puts you up shit creek if you actually need it in the future (not to mention what would happen to your job if they find out you have lied).

Your mum is very wrong to put this kind of pressure on you, particularly as it involves leaving your young child and travelling while pg.

You know that you don't want to go and don't have the option without lying, anyway, so just tell her no and to back off if she keeps on.

HillyWallaby · 23/04/2012 19:03

You cannot attend. It's really quite simple. If you could you would. But you can't. Theexactly gone out of their way to make it easy for you either, so don't feel bad. Anyone who cannot see it's impossible given the circumstances you have described is a fool.

HillyWallaby · 23/04/2012 19:03

They haven't exactly gone our of the way

fedupofnamechanging · 23/04/2012 19:03

The answer to 'you only have one brother' is 'he only has one sister, so should have consulted me regarding the date, if it's so important that I attend'.

HappyJustToBe · 23/04/2012 19:05

YANBU.

It is between you and your brother. If your mother is anything like mine reminding her of that won't do any good but the fact remains!

ImperialBlether · 23/04/2012 19:29

You only have one brother, yes, but does he only have one sister? If he does, then he's the unreasonable one.

You can't go - you would go if you could, but you can't. They will have to accept that.

WhereYouLeftIt · 23/04/2012 20:49

What karmabeliever said. Your mother is being breathtakingly childish here. Did she confuse the dates you gave her, advised your brother wrongly and is now trying to desperately cover her tracks?

FashionEaster · 23/04/2012 20:56

Don't do it. Things like this have a means of biting you on the derriere. Someone at work claimed illness at a really crucial time, giving colleagues a real headache when in fact they had gone on holiday to visit family. However fate must have really been against them: they were seen by a client at the airport and they contracted a tropical disease which required hospital admission on their return. They were sacked.

donttrythisathome · 23/04/2012 20:57

YANBU. But I think they are probably just not thinking straight and are not able to "put themselves in your shoes" for whatever reason.

I'd still try to go though if you could swing some unpaid leave for a week (not "emergency leave, just tell employer situation and see if they will grant you some).

This is just me though.

wheresthepopcorn · 23/04/2012 21:06

Good grief - they are expecting a lot of you!

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