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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU in thinking my parents practice favouritism

28 replies

Smartie10 · 23/04/2012 15:07

I am expecting my first child in July after suffering from fertility problems. Our baby is very special to us and I wanted to make his first Christmas memorable.

I live in Paris, my younger brother lives in London and my older brother lives the other side of the world. My parents spent Christmas 2010 with my younger brother and Christmas 2011 with my older brother. I was unable to go in 2010 as I had just had an operation and in 2011 as I was suffering from morning sickness in my first trimester.

I invited my parents to spend Christmas 2012 at my house in January 2012 and they accepted.

However, a month or so later they said that they wanted to spend Christmas 2012 with my younger brother in order to see their first grandchild who will be about 20 months. They said that they are worried that if they don?t see him this year, they will miss their turn with the in-laws.

I am extremely insulted that they prefer to see my brother?s baby rather than mine, especially as they have lived close to my brother since the birth of his baby and have had plenty of opportunity to see him. They don?t seem to be concerned that they will miss their turn with our new baby. My younger brother has always been the favourite and I'm concerned that his baby will also become my parents' favourite grandchild. I don't want my baby to suffer as I've suffered other the years.

We?ve had several arguments about this but they will not change their mind. I keep crying.

I sent a message to my parents and brothers this weekend saying that I think we should each take it in turns to see my parents (i.e. every three years) and my OH has sent an e-mail to my parents inviting them again to come this year. We haven?t received any replies so far.

I am tempted to cut off my parents if they refuse to compromise.

Has anyone else been in a similar position? What do you think I should do?

OP posts:
EasilyBored · 23/04/2012 15:08

Or, you could all get together for Christmas? You and your parents could travel to your brother's, or they could all come to you?

Debsbear · 23/04/2012 15:10

I think it's up to them where they spend Christmas. I can understand why you are upset, I would be the same but think carefully before cutting all ties with them. Have you explained to them that you are hurt by this decision?

Original poster
Smartie10 · 23/04/2012 15:19

I live 6 hours by car from my parents and in a different country from my brother. He has only visited me twice in 17 years. I have always been the one to travel at Christmas to visit my family and for once I would like to hold Christmas at my home, especially as our baby will only be 5 months' old.

I find the excuse not to come to ours extremely insensitive and my parents basically seem to be continuing to put my brother first.

OP posts:
sugarice · 23/04/2012 15:20

Congrats on the baby Smile. I can understand your upset and why you feel angry. I wouldn't rush to cut ties though despite their apparent favouritism. Concentrate on enjoying your pregnancy. Once the baby arrives you'll be so wrapped up in him/her hopefully you won't be so concerned about Christmas.

halcyondays · 23/04/2012 15:25

Yanbu to feel hurt.

Original poster
Smartie10 · 23/04/2012 15:26

The thing is it's actually spoiling my pregnancy. I've cried every day for the past week and my OH is getting tired of my parents ruining our happiness.

OP posts:
EasilyBored · 23/04/2012 15:30

Don't let it spoil it for you - I know it's rubbish, but sometimes it always falls on the you to make the effort.

Ilovethedoctor · 23/04/2012 15:37

So don't let anyone else ruin your happiness. It is your choice.

Also, the babies become people in their own right, you would have to be a hard person to favour a child because it came from a certain person, esp when it is your grandchild.

Also, you WILL be so wrapped up in your new baby that you probably will not give a hang what everyone elses plans are. Probably as soon as you stop being concerned about them they will be knocking on your door.

Cutting ties could be foolish in the long run. It seems a bit dramatic. You would likely get more of a reaction by just going quiet.

Congratulations on you coming arrival, better than anything else in the entire world!

LydiaWickham · 23/04/2012 15:45

You're parents don't care the way they should, if they are with you, then won't start caring the way they should. So sod them, no more planning round them.

Could you invite your PILs? Make family Christmas plans with your family - little traditions (I love the 'everyone has new pjs for Christmas eve' idea I got from here, DH and I got new jammies along with a little Christmas sleepsuit for DS), start your own way of doing things, if your parents and/or siblings want to join that, great, but if not, make it special for your DC and your DH.

BTW - what others are saying is that very, very soon, you will stop thinking of your brothers and your parents when you say 'family' you will think of this new little unit. The shift to what you mean by your 'nuclear' family happens very quickly, parents who aren't supportive or helpful quickly become unimportant to you, this is when they reap what they sow. It might not feel that way now, but trust me, by Christmas you probably won't care. Stop making an effort.

LydiaWickham · 23/04/2012 15:49

Oh and don't travel at Christmas with a 5 month old! You have a small baby, you stay put, if they want to come to you, fine, if not, it's a family christmas with just your DH and your DC (and PIL if they want to join you). It's amazing how great that will be.

Your parents can only spoil your happiness if you have the mindset that what they think matters. You are an adult, you are about to become a mother, stop chasing their approval. Would you really have fun if they came to you? Would it enhance your Christmas?

Original poster
Smartie10 · 23/04/2012 15:50

I know it's dramatic but I've lived in my brother's shadow for years. When I was young, I was always told how good looking he was and how intelligent he was. Although he makes no effort to visit my family, my parents run around after him. I've always made an effort but get no recognition. So this Christmas is basically the last straw.

OP posts:
LydiaWickham · 23/04/2012 15:58

do you ever see your brother without your parents? It might be best to try to cut them out of the loop, try to build a relationship between him, his DW and you and your DP, you are going to be parents with close aged DCs - there is no reason to compete for your parent's affections any more, let them have their preference and make a promise to yourself that you are not going to be the one to look after them in their dotage but don't let them ruin things with your DB.

Original poster
Smartie10 · 23/04/2012 16:08

I rarely see my brother without my parents but we do get on much better when we do. I was thinking of trying to cut my parents out the loop which is why I sent the e-mail to the whole family about taking it in turns to organise Christmas in the future but no one has replied. My father is a little dictator and I wonder whether my brothers say nothing for an easy life.

OP posts:
lisaro · 23/04/2012 16:15

This would piss me off, too, but I think your DH sending another invitation is pushing it as they've given their answer. Also the crying every day seems like you are trying to manipulate them (I know you're pregnant and rationality takes a back seat sometimes). Also, it's not really you and your siblings place to arrange your parents life. Sorry - I'm sounding harsh, I know, when what they have said was quite shitty. I'd just back off and not chase them, you're only upsetting yourself more.

LydiaWickham · 23/04/2012 16:15

Well then, how about giving up on Christmas, maybe make it with your PILs (assuming you ahve some, you don't mention them) or just your new little family, all snuggly and fitting round your DC's routine, then invite your DB over for lunch with his DW and DC (but not your parents) between Christmas and New Year. (No one ever has anything interesting to do that week.)

After your DC arrives, try to invite your DB over without parents, if he doesn't take you up on it, then ok, you've tried.

I'd also start being 'unavailable' when your parents do want to see you and your baby.

Original poster
Smartie10 · 23/04/2012 17:06

Thanks for your replies.

They don't know I've been crying as we're not on speaking terms since the last argument about this matter over a week ago. I'm worried that I'm becoming depressed.

If they don't reply to my OH within a week or so, he wants us to give up on spending Christmas with them and spend it with his family.

I could invite my brother over but I'm not particularly optimistic as he's only travelled to visit me twice in 17 years and that was before their baby arrived.

Yes, we will definitely be more unavailable in the future and not have others dictate agenda.

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 23/04/2012 17:09

They sound as if they prefer your brother, for whatever reason. It's a tough one.

doormat · 23/04/2012 17:19

smartie10 i cut off my parents, one of the reasons was because of my parents recognition of my younger brother and sister and how they were favoured... before myself and my other bro and sis....we had to put up with this for years, they would not attend parents functions etc/ expected parents to run ragged after them and never reciprocated bk...it was me and my other bro n sis who stoically stood by parents /helped etc yet we were always unfavoured.... in the end the three of us decided enough was enough after one particular distressing incident where my parents sided with them when they caused trouble in the family....

can i just say it was the best thing we ever did, dont get me wrong i sometimes have a penchant to see or spk to them again but will not back down as we did nothing wrong but as far as we are concerned, there was only so much a child could take/ it was a permanent rejection and we started to see it happen to our own children...

as others have said you may be a bit hasty but i would give it another 12 mths as see where they spend next xmas..then you will have your answer....all i can say till then is to enjoy your baby and your own lil family...try not to get upset as you have done nothing wrong and hold your head up high, hugs sweetheart x

Original poster
Smartie10 · 23/04/2012 17:33

Thanks Doormat! Your situation seems very similar to mine and I constantly feel rejected too. It plays on my self-esteem and they make me feel so unworthy of their love/attention/time. It's very odd that some parents choose to treat indifferent children better than those who make an effort - perhaps it's down to 'treating them mean and they'll be keen'.

I plan to concentrate on my own little family when the baby arrives and hopefully this will no longer seem as important.

OP posts:
doormat · 23/04/2012 17:41

exactly smartie10, that is why i have no regrets, nor do my other bro n sis as we are the ones that were there through everything/ we did nothing wrong except put up with it for all those years...take care sweetheart x

40notTrendy · 23/04/2012 17:42

Such a shame. The politics of Christmas can be hard. We have quite a small family, but we used to start putting feelers out around September to make sure all siblings and parents are sorted.
Year before last SIL did her own thing and we were left to sort everyone else out.
Last year we did exactly what we wanted! I think what I'm saying is heed the advice others have given about making Christmas about your new family.
Put this all behind you, concentrate on your bump and baby- you two and OH are where your energies go from now on. Hard I know. Good luck!

Tiggles · 23/04/2012 18:28

Smartie, I know just where you are coming from and YANBU to feel hurt, but don't let it overtake your life :(.
My DM told me several times that my DBs children are her favourite grandchildren (he has twins, and she always wanted twins). She lives about 6hours drive from me and my brother (although there is an hour separating my brother and I) and she regularly goes to see DB, but it is 'too far' to come to see us. If we have arranged to see her/her to see us, 9 times out of 10 she cancels as she has made alternative plans with DB. We have lived in our current house for 4 years, she has visited once in that time... when the youngest DSs were baptised.
I have got used to it, still hurts though, but unfortunately the kids are starting to ask why granny never comes to see them :(. I never tell them in advance now if we are going to go to my DMs or if she is expected at ours.

SydSaid · 23/04/2012 18:49

Have they met their other grandchild before, or will this be the first time? If they haven't then fair enough, surely they should spend some time with that one, after all he is nearly 2.

SydSaid · 23/04/2012 18:51

Sorry, missed the bit where you say they live close to fb. YANBU.

PatronSaintOfDucks · 23/04/2012 19:11

Smartie10, it's shit, innit? It's unfair and it hurts, but you are being a tad over-dramatic. Your parents are not ruining your happiness. You are an adult and your happiness is completely up to you. There is no point crying over stuff you cannot control. Your parents are who they are, you are unlikely to change them. Just accept the situation and don't expect much. Build your own family, with your husband, child and your in-laws. There is no need to cut your parents off, just don't chase them for what they are not willing to give. It is sad, but you will save yourself a lot of emotional upset and this is what matters.

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