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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to be a bit upset I didn't get a single birthday card from the in-laws?

23 replies

NiniLegsInTheAir · 22/04/2012 16:08

It was my birthday on Tuesday. My in-laws aren't very thoughtful people at the best of times (On DH's 30th birthday last year FIL only spent a tenner on him and he isn't hard up) but I always get at least a card from FIL and various other family members on my birthday.

This year I didn't get a single card, and the only text came from FIL who said he'd bring my card 'when he sees me next', when he doesn't come to us much - the last time he did was Xmas, but we do go up to see them all every 6 weeks or so. We always send birthday cards to the in-laws so we do reciprocate.

AIBU to be a bit upset? DH didn't seem that bothered when I pointed out to him that I hadn't had a card.

OP posts:

sensuallettuce · 22/04/2012 16:15

Don't think my OH's family even know when my bday is - although his bother and sister wore on my FB wall .

OH only gets a card never a gift at Xmas or bday.

Some families just don't make a big deal about bdays - not worth getting upset about really?

Buy yourself a bottle of wine of their behalf

sensuallettuce · 22/04/2012 16:15

Brother and wrote doh!

blondiedollface · 22/04/2012 16:16

Nope YADNBU, I didn't receive a card or present from the PIL's!!

We used to go and see them once every couple of weeks, they only live an 8 mile drive away, but they have NEVER come to see us in our new house... Now that I'm 8 months pregnant they think it's rude that I don't go and see them (in a house where 5 people smoke in every room).

I was very upset and DH told me I was BU that they 'didn't really do cards' but they seem to manage for each other..

mumblechum1 · 22/04/2012 16:17

I never get anything from any of my inlaws either, but I only see them once every few years so don't really expect to tbh. We just don't know each other well as we live 300 miles apart.

Different for you OP if you live close by and see your DH's rellies on a frequent basis.

YouBrokeMySmoulder · 22/04/2012 16:19

God I couldnt care less whether my inlaws remembered my bday or not - in fact I prefer it that they dont as then I dont have to remember theirs.

I find adults caring about birthdays when its not a 30/40/50 etc a bit odd actually.

Now when they cant be assed about the dcs I get a bit raised eyebrowy.

Original poster

NiniLegsInTheAir · 22/04/2012 16:23

Well when it's the birthday of some members of the family its a no expenses spared, three-line whip occasion that we HAVE to go to (Dh's cousin's 42nd birthday party last year for example) but we seem to be black sheep.

In the scheme of things it doesn't matter of course, but to not even get a Facebook message (I'm friends with several of my in-laws) is annoying.

DH is already talking about 'really treating' FIL for his 59th birthday in July. the upset part of me wants to tell him to stick it

OP posts:

QuintessentialShadows · 22/04/2012 16:24

This year my father did not remember my birthday. He is 85, so I called him so he could say Happy Birthday, in order for him not to feel bad later. (If somebody should mention I just turned 40)
I dont expect my mum to remember, she has dementia and is in a nursing home.

I would never expect my inlaws to remember, or even care about my birthday!

To be honest, I always find it rather sad when adults are so miffed if other grown ups dont make a point about them on their birthdays. It seems both precious and needy.

EndoplasmicReticulum · 22/04/2012 16:24

OP it saves you a job when their birthdays come round, obviously if they "don't do birthdays" they won't need a card when its their turn.

SpamMarie · 22/04/2012 16:24

My in-laws always send me a bday card - my parents don't though!

sensuallettuce · 22/04/2012 16:27

My dad asked me last year "if I'd had my 40th yet?!" I was 36

crje · 22/04/2012 16:29

Id think your hurt ,so yanbu
id rather not get a card as with my inlaws/ one nice turn deserves 99 back in their eyes............
Let it go and celebrate with those that thought of you

notcitrus · 22/04/2012 16:46

Some people just don't do cards. My ILs don't, though most of them are delightful people.
DP told them that I liked cards and that their grandchildren will want cards, so now when they see us they give us cards to keep on the mantelpiece until my/ds's/dn's birthdays - so they don't need to post them!

I bet the OP's ILs wouldn't be bothered if they didn't get cards from her.

scuzy · 22/04/2012 16:54

ok with all due respect I cannot for the life of me understand grown ups actually getting upset about INLAWS not a mind partners or kids or whatever not remembering their bday and not getting a card. i just cant find the words without sounding really bitchy ... but you get my drift.

PackItInNow · 22/04/2012 16:57

I agree with Quint.

scuzy · 22/04/2012 17:01

precious and needy ... yes those are the words i was looking for ... can i add pathetic?

Sarcalogos · 22/04/2012 17:03

I didn't get one either!

Got an email though, which should make reciprocating cheap

I think you need to accept they don't care, move on and focus on relationships with people who do care. You can choose to have very little to do with them if you prefer.

BackforGood · 22/04/2012 17:06

Some people "do" cards more than others.
Some people "do" birthdays more than others.
If you've always had cards from the in laws and it's now stopped, then that's a bit more worrying than if they just never started, I'd have thought.
Personally, I like my birthday and would be sad if family forgot.

diddl · 22/04/2012 17:06

Do you like them & get on with them?

If not I think YABU.

What does FIL spending a tenner on his son´s 30th have to do with anything?

StandingAlone · 22/04/2012 17:23

YANBU. Although my DMIL & Step-DFIL don't get me a card, DMIL buys me wine instead I love my DMIL she is fab.

OTOH DH's real dad didn't even get DH a birthday card on his 30th, no phone call or text either Never even a phone call for the DD's on their birthdays or at xmas. We don't expect gifts but a phone call, even maybe a text to show they are thinking of them would be nice.

MarySA · 22/04/2012 17:27

I'm not really a very card person. And don't do birthdays except for kids and DH's when I remember. One exception is elderly or lonely people and I try and remember. But I don't expect cards from anybody.

scarletforya · 22/04/2012 17:29

Sorry but YABU.

Birthdays are for kids.

Lillabel · 01/02/2024 09:54

I've never ever had a birthday card or pressies from my in-laws. We've been together for 14 years, married for 11 and I get on great with them. They've been reminded several times. I will always find it a bit off tbh.

TwoShades1 · 01/02/2024 10:25

Some in-laws are just a bit shit. Mine can be pretty average too, they clearly favour their other DIL a lot more than me. For my birthday I got a phone call (at dinner time). Other DIL was taken to a fancy restaurant with expensive wines. I’m just a bit done now and don’t really make much effort with them. I leave it up to DP, they are his parents.

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