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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Drivng myself mad....

26 replies

MrsVandekamp · 22/04/2012 00:24

I am driving myself mad. Think Bree Vandekamp, thats me.

I cant sit. I cant just sit down and relax until 'everything is done'.

Most evenings i dont sit down til gone 10pm.
On my days off, i spend most of it cleaning and tidying. But not just tidying, i'll 'gut' a room regulary.
I cant settle if the floor needs hovering, the surfaces need wiping and then glass cleaning will never buy granite again the patio windows need cleaning from dog stalther, the list goes on. Im twitchy and dont enjoy the rest time til its done.

The worst thing is that i enjoy it.

But im getting a bit sick of the rountine and it never stays tidy (2 kids, 1 dh, 1 dog, 2 cats!) and iconstantly hear my friends talk of thier relaxing evenings that im realising that this isnt very normal.

My husband is the complete opposite, very unorganised and untidy, but does his bit for a quiet life i suspect! He says all the time "come sit down!" whilst Im cleaning/tidying/sorting on an evening whilst hes liged on the sofa!

Tbh, i think im getting on his nerves a bit, im getting on my own!

Why cant i just relax?

OP posts:
lalaland3008 · 22/04/2012 00:42

I'm not sure but please, please come round and clean my house, I need someone like you!

Mess really does annoy me and I've realised if the house is messy I actually get really stressed out and snappy. Unfortunately I'm pretty much a lazy cow who will sit down whenever possible. Actually I quite like cleaning upstairs even the bathroom but hate doing the kitchen.

Just try leaving it all for one night, sitting down on the sofa with your dp / dh is seriously underrated.

AgentZigzag · 22/04/2012 00:44

Do you have any anxiety problems?

Could the control you want over your environment be anything similar to OCD? I don't mean in a handwashing way, but just the feeling the control of 'things being done' might give you?

If you've always been like this, can you remember a tip over point from where it went from just doing the housework to becoming a problem?

WorraLiberty · 22/04/2012 00:45

Do you think you might have OCD?

I relax better in a tidy house but I think it's unhealthy to put utter cleanliness before enjoying your family/time as a couple.

Look around the graveyards and I bet you'll never see a gravestone that says "I wish I spend less time relaxing with my loved ones and more time cleaning".

Chill out

Are you afraid of being judged by someone? Confused

TheDetective · 22/04/2012 00:49

I'm exactly like you - all jobs have to be done before sitting down for the evening. I work shifts, so admittedly it isn't every day I have to run around cleaning and sorting - I text dp 60 times on those evenings to make sure he has done it all Grin.

Typically after an early shift, or a day off, as soon as I am back home I run around making beds, tidying morning mess (not left by me, but those who left the house AFTER me!), put a load of washing on, hang dry washing in wardrobes, hoover, clean the kitchen thoroughly (dp's disgusting mess from making his lunch...), mop if its needed, and make sure everywhere is just clean and tidy. Then I sit down and relax. Often this is 8pm, and I'll of been home since 4pm, but that includes the time it takes to make tea also.

I can leave it if I really have to, but it irritates the hell out of me. I can't leave a messy house - unless it will make me late for work. That is the only time I won't tidy til its done!

TheDetective · 22/04/2012 00:51

I used to have to have the sofas straight at night, in case someone burgled us and thought we were horrible slobs! Confused

I don't worry like this any more! Age has made me a little more relaxed!!!

MrsVandekamp · 22/04/2012 00:59

TheDetective, yep yep, Im there. You have just described me to a T.
I work shifts too (BTW, if Windsor/Hutton mean anything to you,we are in the same line of work!) and look forward to my first Rest Day, so i can sort the house out.

I have wondered about slight OCD, but just assumed its justthe way i am.

OP posts:
youngermother1 · 22/04/2012 01:00

Its necessary to make an effort to ignore things and spend time with DH instead. Those of us who ignore mess have to make an effort to clean and feel better for it, you need to do the opposite.
It will not feel relaxing to begin with, but persevere and it becomes a habit.
If easier, make it specific days, when you know something is good on the telly, glass of wine and DH - can move on to raunchier things!! (replace with you own idea of a good evening)

AgentZigzag · 22/04/2012 01:00

Those damn pesky judgy burglars Detective, who do they think they fucking are eh? Grin

AgentZigzag · 22/04/2012 01:10

OCD can just be the way you are MrsV Grin

And it can be helpful in getting things done, but it's the time when whatever you're doing is causing a problem and impacting on other people that you have to look at ways of changing.

Small steps with little or no time constraints is a good way to go. Just leave one job undone for say a week, something small and not something anyone else would notice or give a shit about. If you're cleaning out rooms when you should/want to be sat down relaxing and making small talk with your DH, that's too much IMO.

Get used to thinking about the job not being done before maybe going on to leaving other things you had earmarked for doing.

I'm not saying you have to live in a shit hole or anything, but you might be doing it for reasons other than it needs to be done? Therefore, it doesn't need to be done.

Mrsjay · 22/04/2012 01:16

my mum is like this and TBH it was awful to live with as a child she was always cleaning and tidying i never saw her , im a lazy cow and i think its a result of my mum being so ocd about it , she hasnt changed and will sit and watch me having a coffee itching to whisk the cup away to clean it Hmm however if you have a spare hour come and clean up for me Grin

seriously though you may have anxiety or ocd i dont know what to advise though some folk are just like that ,

MrsVandekamp · 22/04/2012 01:17

Think im going to have to Google OCD :(

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MrsVandekamp · 22/04/2012 01:20

I dont think its anxiety, im pretty laid back about most things, not that i dont have days when stuff get to me, but its not that common. We've a fairly hectic irregular patterned life and i juggle easily enough.

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AgentZigzag · 22/04/2012 01:21

Don't be sad MrsV, I've got it and I'm relatively sane Grin

You can get control over the bits that fuck you off (if you have it).

Mrsjay · 22/04/2012 01:23

maybe its just the way you are ? if you left it and didnt do it would you feel uncomfortable ?

MrsVandekamp · 22/04/2012 01:23

Mrsjay, i think thats what im worried about, the kids see me hoovering lots, always busy busy. We do go out as a family, walks with the dog, special bedtimes etc, im notneglecting mykids to clean up or anything, its just that when i can i will!

OP posts:
Mrsjay · 22/04/2012 01:25

my mum would rather clean and send us to bed mrs you seem to be doing things with your children mum had her routine and does panic if its disturbed

MrsVandekamp · 22/04/2012 01:25

Yes, i would be uncomfy, a bit twitchty perhaps!

Agent Zigzag, where do i go from here?

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Mrsjay · 22/04/2012 01:27

perhaps go to your gp and ask about OCD mrs I really dont know much about it , I know my mum sees dirt that isnt there which used to unerve me a bit she would spend ages cleaning a spot on the worktop

MrsVandekamp · 22/04/2012 01:29

I will try the small steps, trouble is i know ill be looking forward to being able to do it!

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 22/04/2012 01:31

Depends on how much it's disturbing you MrsV.

If it's a lot, get down to the quacks and let them decide how bad it really is. You can get medication/therapeutic help to calm the fuck down get it under control.

If it's just the housework thing you're worried about, have a look online about strategies like the one I mentioned above, to take the control back a little bit at a time with no pressures. There's plenty of help out there however big or small the problem you have with it.

Going to the docs with it might seem a bit OTT I don't know, so what's the harm in giving it a try to get your head round it first?

garlicnutter · 22/04/2012 02:10

I used to straighten the pictures in OTHER people's houses Blush

Unlike you, I've never enjoyed housework so, as soon as I could afford it, I hired a cleaner (8 hrs a week for a 2-bed flat) and straightened /cleaned /tidied /wiped /plumped /etc everything before I went to bed. And before I went to work.

Now I'm a complete slob, living amongst ever-growing piles of dusty "things waiting to be done". This is mainly due to illness but also, crucially, a reactionary phase. I'm sure I'll get around to inventing ways to achieve reasonable living standards within my physical constraints :) This is what you need to aim for, too, Bree: reasonable!

Whilst I was super-clean, I was unconsciously reacting to imagined criticism. I shan't go into where it came from; I've documented that extensively on here already. More to the point, I was unaware of the incessant stream of negative chatter that ran through my mind, nagging and criticising and warning of ... well, of being shunned by the rest of the human race, of being found despicable, of losing control ... dreadful, terrible things that were completely disproportionate to matters of home management.

What I've described isn't technically OCD but it's a hair's breadth away. OCD sufferers knowingly believe the world will implode if they don't do their rituals. I was capable of leaving home without cleaning, and did logically know nothing bad would happen. But I was hopelessly unaware of the inner slave driver (later christened Fucky Nora) running on repeat in the recesses of my subconscious.

Most frenzied housekeepers have something similar. Some have inner nags with a different script: hygiene is a popular alternative theme ("my family will die if I don't obliterate every single bacterium, etc"). What they all share is the desperately urgent need to CONTROL stuff before the stuff makes unspeakably dreadful things happen.

As you can see, this is quite a bit like OCD and also like phobias. These things can be fixed (sometimes only partially, but partial is an improvement!) relatively easily. It involves recognising and understanding your inner critic, then coming to an agreement with it that its fears are a bit out of whack. Once you've 'agreed' you can start replacing its doom-laden directives with more reasonable ones, like "That'll do for now" and "It looks nice already, I'll just leave it until tomorrow".

I did this stuff with therapists - I have had very ingrained, complex stuff in there - but quite a few folks can do it by themselves. You might want to compromise by going to see a counsellor or hypnotherapist for just a few sessions, to help find the best way for you personally.

To begin, I offer you my new mantra: Good enough is just fine! Wink

OnTheBottomWithAWomansWeekly · 22/04/2012 02:13

Perhaps also get your thyroid checked (sounds funny I know!)

My best friend's mum has an under active thyroid & was over medicated at first (so basically was given drugs that made her seem like she had an over active thyroid for a while)

During these few months, if you picked up your cuppa to have a sip, she would manage to wipe your coaster clean before you got the cup back down!

Now I'm sure some of this might have been due to her particular personality as well & how she herself reacted to the medication, but it might be worth checking just in case.

And as other posters have said, you can come to mine to tidy if you are free!
(slatternly emoticon)

garlicnutter · 22/04/2012 02:25

Ooh, that's a point, Bottom. Have your eyes got bigger, Bree? Have you been losing weight? Do you give off lots of heat?

I did just come back to agree with you about granite worktops Grin especially dark-coloured ones. Giving up perfectionism is a wonderful thing, but bloody mirror-like worktops don't exactly make it easy do they?

Just ... don't ... replace them with steel ones!!!

MrsVandekamp · 22/04/2012 08:56

No I dont think my eyes have got bigger and im not really losing weight. i wish i was! Althoughmy mum has un underactive thyroid, im not sure if it can be hereditory?

Thank you everyone for your replies, garlicnutter, what you say is very interesting and definatley relevant.

OP posts:
everlong · 22/04/2012 09:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.