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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ignore my dads midlife crisis and let him throw his life away?

25 replies

5dcsinneedofacleaner · 21/04/2012 17:12

my dad recently announced he was having an affair with a woman half his age and who is actually the same age as me so he is in his 50s and i am in my 20s as is this woman. Also he met ths woman while travelling on business and they plan to move to her home country, get married and open some sort of coffeeshop on the beach Hmm. She has a child the same age as my dc2.(6)
This will be his fourth wedding, the first was to my mum, that lasted 20 years until she died ten years ago, the other have come since then.
I pointed out that if he moved that far away he would pretty much be saying goodbye to my sister and I as we would not be very easily able to visit him and i know full well he wouldnt come back to this country. He said "ah well".

My sister and grandmother (his mother) are trying to get me to talk him out of it with them but i just cant bring myself to get into arguements about this i just feel. Its a stupid thing to do and I feel so sorry for his wife the way he has treated her is appalling I just feel like saying "whatever".

AIBU to just back off and leave him to it even though it seems to be some sort of mid life crisis he may regret? (i.e leaving his elderly mother, chidlren and grandchildren, quitting the job he has spent his life working for and just throwing it all away)

OP posts:
BonkeyMollocks · 21/04/2012 17:14

He is a grown man capable of making his own decisions.

He wouldn't take any notice, if its what he really wants to do.

Maybe just have a chat, saying how you feel, pointing out the facts etc and then leave him to it.

scarletforya · 21/04/2012 17:16

YANBU, there probably isn't much you can do to stop him. The lure of sex is obviously more important to him than his family. I'd say the lure of his wallet is what is attracting the young girl in her 20's.

tinkertitonk · 21/04/2012 17:22

Offer him your love and support, but (silently) stand by to pick up the pieces. Doing his mother's bidding here will achieve nothing except damaging your relationship with him.

diddl · 21/04/2012 17:35

Well he might not be throwing his life away.

If he has the chance to be happy, should he say no because it means moving away?

BonkeyMollocks · 21/04/2012 17:43

diddl Has a point!
How do you know its all going to go wrong for him?
It could all work out great for them and he could be happy!
No one should live their lives by what others want.

And age gap relationships can work. My dh and I have 23 years between us and are very happy! Don't think just because of that it would be a huge mistake, or that she is a gold digger etc.

Original poster
5dcsinneedofacleaner · 21/04/2012 17:46

You are right it could work out wonderfully I hope it does i have just told my sister etc that i am washing my hands of it and leaving well alone.

OP posts:
diddl · 21/04/2012 17:56

I think that if you have always lived close/seen each other regularly(?), it might seem as if he is abandoning you all.

But you are adults living your lives as you wish-& he is doing the same.

AThingInYourLife · 21/04/2012 17:57

If "the chance to be happy" necessitates shafting his wife and losing contact with his children and grandchildren and leaving his elderly mother to fend for herself in old age, then yes, he should turn it down.

Happiness doesn't come from being a selfish dick.

ChaoticAngel · 21/04/2012 18:01

YANBU He's an adult, he can make his own decision.

Original poster
5dcsinneedofacleaner · 21/04/2012 18:04

We do not live close to him, we are a couple of hundred miles away and see him maybe once a year. Really it will make no difference apart from that I always imagined one day maybe he would show more interest but obviously not. Aparently his wife is distraught. She is the one who travelled all the way to our house when my daughter was ill to be there for us - not him. I think AThing you are right he is a selfish dick and always will be for whatever reason (he was TOTALLY the opposite when i was a child)

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 21/04/2012 18:06

Is he married at the moment? Or is she?

Original poster
5dcsinneedofacleaner · 21/04/2012 18:10

My dad is married I have no idea about the woman he is having the affair with. I dont think she is thought from what he has said.

OP posts:
diddl · 21/04/2012 18:11

Yes, sorry I was forgetting the circs surrounding his "happiness" when I posted & more replying to the title.

BonkeyMollocks · 21/04/2012 18:13

Ok I'm lost. Your dad is having a affair with this woman?

Still though YANBU to keep you distance.

Original poster
5dcsinneedofacleaner · 21/04/2012 18:14

sorry my dad is currently married but has met someone else abroad who he is now having an affair with.

OP posts:
gazzalw · 21/04/2012 18:15

Hang on in there....My FIL did the same about 20 years ago, but soon went back to MIL and although it took a long time to kick over the traces, they seem happy now....

Really traumatised DW and sibs though at the time..

timetochangeagain · 21/04/2012 18:16

Sounds to me like grief - 1 20 year marriage and then 3 in 10 years.

I think he isn't over your mother - especially if he was hands on before her death.

Original poster
5dcsinneedofacleaner · 21/04/2012 18:19

I really think that is the case timeto as he met my mother as a young teenager and they were together from that point on, he also had to watch her get ill and die over a period of a number of years so i realy do think he is looking to replace her in a way. I just dont feel like i can be part of it anymore, im sick of phone calls from him with drama and stress. I just think he needs to get on with it.

OP posts:
diddl · 21/04/2012 18:20

Yes I thought about that as well tbh, time-it´s a big turnaround, isn´t it?

FreudianSlipper · 21/04/2012 18:21

oh dear :(

i think you jsut have to stay friendly with your dad, you do not have to agree with what he is doing. if he does go off the distance can make it hard to keep a relationship going (but it can be done) but once their is a seperation it is harder to build the relationship up again

hopefully he will wise up, but he won't if everyone is telling him he is a fool, he will only learn this himself hopefully sooner rather than later

AKMD · 21/04/2012 18:24

What AThing said.

Let him get on with it.

timetochangeagain · 21/04/2012 18:31

That's the problem with grief - it's endless.

If your dad had been blissfully happy since he was a teenager - I expect he just doesn't know how to deal with pain - and the loss of that bliss is a terrible thing.

It may well just be lust - but it makes him feel good - the problem will come - when this isn't filling that space either - I expect he has cut you off mostly - because it's still to hard for him to be around you all.

Poor man.

Id make sure you just tentatively keep in touch.

AThingInYourLife · 21/04/2012 19:06

It does seem like he is still grieving your mother :(

YesIamYourSisterInLaw · 21/04/2012 21:05

I pointed out that if he moved that far away he would pretty much be saying goodbye to my sister and I as we would not be very easily able to visit him and i know full well he wouldnt come back to this country. He said "ah well".

nice! on this basis an YANBU

YesIamYourSisterInLaw · 21/04/2012 21:05

alone not an

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