Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think there is a substantial difference between these apologies?

28 replies

GretaGip · 20/04/2012 20:39

"I'm sorry if I upset you."

"I'm sorry that I upset you."

I know I'm probably being a bit oversensitive, but I think the first apology is inadequate, and the apologiser thinks I'm being semantic.

Yes, yse, it's a tiny problem in the scheme of things, but this has really botherd me this evening, and I'm still upset over what necessitated the apology.

AIBU?

OP posts:
FourEyesGood · 20/04/2012 20:41

There's not a "substantial" difference, no. There's a slight difference. There's no point in pushing for an apology from someone who doesn't mean it, anyway.

WorraLiberty · 20/04/2012 20:42

Yes there's a difference

I would use the first one if I thought I'd upset someone because they over reacted.

StrandedBear · 20/04/2012 20:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MyNameIsntFUCKINGWarren · 20/04/2012 20:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

itsatiggerday · 20/04/2012 20:45

I agree with you actually - not to get semantic over what constitutes 'substantial'! "I'm sorry if I upset you when I..." is what I would say to someone whom I feared I had offended but wasn't sure and was opening up a conversation to find out. If I know they were upset as a result of my actions, I think "I'm sorry that..." is more appropriate.

If I believed they were unreasonable to be upset, I might say it and then hang back slightly in future if I wasn't that close to them for fear of their sensitivity. If it was my spouse I would feel a responsibility to try and understand why they were upset by it and learn to empathise and compromise.

Can you tell DH and I have been round this cycle!?

NimpyWindowmash · 20/04/2012 20:50

Yes, there is a difference. Definitely. A proper apology comes without qualifiers or conditions

rhondajean · 20/04/2012 20:52

Uh - really??

God I must get more sensitive!!

kickassangel · 20/04/2012 20:52

in agreement with op - I had a thread recently about people who apologise but then go on to kind of turn it around and excuse themselves.

When someone upsets, and they can see that you are upset, then either they are sorry to have done that, or not. They may not understand your reaction, but they still respond to it by caring about your feelings, or not.

Unless they can't tell if you're upset, then the first one kind of says that they aren't aware of/don't care about your feelings on the matter.

madmouse · 20/04/2012 20:53

Yes there is a big difference IMO. Same as between sorry for any inconvenience caused' and sorry for the inconvenience caused.

I've always trained my juniors to do the latter. If you've done something wrong you've caused inconvenience, so apologise properly.

Sorry if I upset you is indeed correctly used when you don't really see what the other person needs to be so upset about.

Original poster
GretaGip · 20/04/2012 20:55

Ahh, Nimpy, that's teh word I've been trying to think of all day. Qualifers..

It's pretty obvious from the second that responsiblity for actions has been accepted, but it's kind of muddied in the first version.

OP posts:
NiceCupOfTeaAndASitDown · 20/04/2012 20:57

Try "I'm sorry you feel that way" - that annoys me more than anything. I agree there's no point pushing or expecting an apology from someone who's not sorry but I think any decent person should be able to accept that something they've said or done has upset someone and should be 'man' enough to apologise for that fact, whether they meant what was said/done or not IYSWIM

scarletforya · 20/04/2012 20:58

Yes, there is a clear difference:

"I'm sorry if I upset you."

Does not acknowledge reponsibility for being the cause of the upset. It's disingenuous passive-aggressively placing the blame on the victim.

"I'm sorry that I upset you."

Acknowledges responsibility for the offence caused.

Aribura · 20/04/2012 21:00

tbh I don't always think the "offendee" is right just because they're offended. Some people get offended way too easily. So it depends on the situation...

MightyNice · 20/04/2012 21:01

yes substantial

the first is so weak it's a further insult

Springforward · 20/04/2012 21:02

Both are better than "I am sorry you feel upset", that classic phrasing of replies to complaint letters.

boringnickname · 20/04/2012 21:02

could it just be that the person who upset you has bad grammar?

EnjoyResponsibly · 20/04/2012 21:06

It's like when a service you want gets cancelled and the provider says we apologise for any inconvenience this may cause.

If it's a train, flight whatever for instance they should say we apologise for the inconvenience this will cause as it's the inevitable outcome.

My feeling is if you are in a position whereby an apology is necessary then bloody well mean it.

WriterInResidence · 20/04/2012 21:06

There is a subtle difference, the first one isnt a proper apology and the second one is.

I hope that clears it up for you

YANBU BTW

MrsEricBana · 20/04/2012 21:14

YANBU, I agree with you. First implies you might have overreacted, 2nd implies they realise they have done something wrong and are sorry. Someone recently (who had done something totally not ok) said "Sorry that you were upset" which did not in any way acknowledge any responsibility and I did not feel they were apologising at all (they lost dd, and yes I was very upset).

whatsallthefuss · 20/04/2012 21:15

no to me they are both the same and would use them in subsitute for each other.

however i wont be doing that again Grin

Cremeeggsandkitkatsoldiers · 20/04/2012 21:16

IMO there's a HUGE difference, the first is not an apology at all, its passive aggressive and belittles the other person's perceptions of the situation and accepts no part in it

EverybodysSleepyEyed · 20/04/2012 21:20

The first is said when the person apologising isn't apologising for what they said but how they said it.

depends what they apologised for - maybe they shouldn't have to apologise for what they said!

Lougle · 20/04/2012 21:20

There is a difference.

The first apology is acknowledging that you may have/have been upset by what was said, and that they are sorry if that is the case.

The second is saying that they know you were upset in response to something they said, and they are sorry that you were upset.

Neither is saying sorry for what they were saying, or doing, that led to you being upset. Neither is saying that they were in the wrong. They are simply accepting that your response was to be upset.

Incidentally, the one that really gets my goat is 'don't upset yourself darling'. I haven't "upset myself", I have been upset by something/someone.

WhereYouLeftIt · 20/04/2012 21:28

"I'm sorry that I upset you." - is an apology, acknowledging responsibility.

"I'm sorry if I upset you." - isn't actually an apology, just an attempt to deflect you. I'd go so far as to call it a bit of a kick in the teeth to the person it was said to.

margoandjerry · 20/04/2012 21:30

I'm sorry if I upset you is rubbish. It's passive aggressive - pretends to be nice but is actually saying I am sorry that you are emotionally unstable. It doesn't do what an apology is supposed to do which is take responsibility for causing hurt.