to say no to DD/DS being bridesmaid/pageboy

[ornellaia]

SIL is getting married later this year, she has asked DD (6) to be a bridesmaid and DS (5) to be a pageboy, they have both said no. They don't want to dress up in clothes someone else has chosen and they don't want the extra attention/responsibility that comes with the job. This has been explained to SIL but she keeps insisting that they do it, she has sent wedding related presents to them along with a letter saying how much she'd like them to do it and has asked them several times. They still say no. She is pushing for me to insist that they do it, I think she should leave them alone and it shouldn't be mentioned again. AIBU?

In the spirit of full disclosure, I'm currently separating from H and SIL is not my favourite, although I don't actually dislike her, DC adore her.

Just going on your short OP, could how you feel about your SIL rubbed off on your DC?

It's unusual for small children not to want to do it, especially weird for them to not want to dress up or have 'extra attention/responsibility' what exactly have you said to them about it?

It's fun for most children.

I wouldn't make them do it, they might start to fuss on the day. Too much stress all round.

Could she just be trying to make sure they stay involved, and feel part of the family even though you're separating from her brother? I know it's illogical, but perhaps she's going out of her way to be nice.

Do you think they are doing this to protect you, because they think you don't want them to do it? It's quite unusual of kids that age to refuse tbh.

If they adore her, why don't they want to do it? They are too young to fret about wearing an outfit just because someone else has chosen it, and extra responsibility without any adult input. Especially when it's both of them.

Doesn't sound like a child's reaction to me really

where have they even got the idea of 'responsibility' from when being a pageboy/bridesmaid??

that seems and odd concept for a small child to come up with tbh

I don't know

When I was little I was an utter tomboy and wouldn't have been seen dead in any kind of bridesmaid dress

Perhaps they're telling the truth and it's just not their kind of thing?

Does seem they have got an odd idea from somewhere. Most dc of that age are extremely excited to be specially chosen.

Some children don't like that sort of thing. My son had his First Communion put off for a year because he couldn't deal with the idea of parading up the aisle.
They would never entertain hte idea of being part of a wedding ceremony.

They are otherwise fairly well adjusted children though.

It was my reaction to being asked to be a bridesmaid at a similar age, so perfectly normal. I was made to do it, and although i can't say I loved the experience, it wasn't as dreadful as I had thought. It was presented to me as a "sometimes we have to do things we don't want to to make other people happy" thing, rather than a "it will be lots of fun" thing. Possibly because my parents knew I wasn't a fool and would see the latter for the lie it would have been!

I was a tomboy too worra - bridesmaid three times

Shotgun bridesmaid Ziggers?

so let me get this right - your 5 and 6 year old both said "no mummy, we really don't want to wear clothes someone else has chosen for us, we don't want all that attention and responsibility" really?

What responsibility?

Wouldn't like to comment worra

No need for the disbelieving tone - plenty of posters have attested to the fact that some children just don't like that sort of thing.

And is it really that much of a leap of imagination to think that she might have put their statements into more adult language to report them here?

I can understand if some of the hurt the OP must be going through has leaked out into influencing the children.

But whatever the reason for the DCs answers, the SIL should ask, OP answer, SIL leaves it alone.

Unless of course the OP or her DC don't have a choice in the matter, which is of course ridiculous.

But then does the Dads feelings/family figure in the decision? OP's not said why they've split, so not necessarily anything he's done wrong, and even if he had they're still his children.

DD said no she doesn't wear to wear a lilac bridesmaid dress, DS said no he doesn't want to wear a suit & tie. By 'responsibility' I meant walking up the aisle with her which they don't want to do.

The DC have no idea that I'm not keen on SIL, the only person who knows is my sister. I don't actively dislike her, just not that keen. I was surprised they didn't want to do it and had assumed they would when they were asked but they have said no several times.

Some children are not comfortable in situations like that and should not be forced to do it.

STBX was all for just saying no and not giving the DC a choice, he doesn't like weddings/family events. I said it should be their decision. It was put to them as a positive & fun thing to do, because auntie X loves them so much she wants them to have an extra special part in her wedding day.

I certainly wouldn't be for forcing them and if both parents agree sil needs to get over it.

Seems odd if the adore her that they don't want to do it, I wouldn't force them but seems unusual for them both to feel like this of their own occord..

Well yes they do feel like this of their own accord. If I was just telling them to say no because SIL is a bit annoying sometimes then I'd say so, and probably wouldn't bother to ask anyone else if I was being unreasonable.

I just wondered if forcing a kid to be a bridesmaid is normal or if I'm odd for not wanting to do it.

My DD (6) is being bridesmaid next month for SIL and she's really looking forward to dressing up and enjoying her day in the spotlight :). DS (3) is also being pageboy and I'm dreading him misbehaving - his behaviour is unpredictable at the best of times so I'll be watching him closely :o.