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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think if she wants a say, she should pay for it!

25 replies

WkdSM · 20/04/2012 16:25

A friend of mine is getting married - she's in her 50's and been living with chap for 15 years - they are on a very tight budget.

She has asked 3 of us to be 'bridesmaids' (all in our 40's) but made it quite clear we would have to pay for our own dresses etc - we all agreed.

One of the other girls has now said she can't afford her own dress so bride has agreed to pay for it - again, no probs from the us as it's bride's day and her choice - although did feel bride was sort of blackmailed into it as skint bridesmaid had a fanny fit and ran out of house crying initially when she was talking about it and bride said she couldn't be a bridesmaid as bride could not afford to buy her dress as well as wedding dress.

Anyway - I have tracked down a couple of charity bridal shops and bride and I have booked in to go have a reccie at dresses - but skint bridesmaid has stuck her nose up and said she does not want to wear a dress from a charity shop.

So - AIBU to think if she wants to have a new dress she should pay for it - or step down as a bridesmaid?

OP posts:

RedHelenB · 20/04/2012 16:29

YANBU

Petsinmypudenda · 20/04/2012 16:30

YANBU

fanny fit - love it

Adoptionrulesok · 20/04/2012 16:31

YANBU, sounds a right snooty pants

agedknees · 20/04/2012 16:31

YANBU.

ImperialBlether · 20/04/2012 16:32

I'm a similar age and couldn't imagine having bridesmaids!

Teeb · 20/04/2012 16:34

yanbu.

GoEasyPudding · 20/04/2012 16:37

I would arrange a visit to this shop anyway and ignore her drama.
I am guessing you don't all have to be dressed the same? Maybe the same colour?

Debeez · 20/04/2012 16:51

YANBU and I'm sure the bride appreciates your effort for her big day too. Bridesmaids can be a nightmare, could you pull her aside and remind her it's the brides day and not hers?

DaddyPigsSecretAdmirer · 20/04/2012 16:54

Oh what is her problem! I am having bridesmaid dramas of my own currently (one, my friend, is FABULOUS. The other, my sister, refused to come shopping as she felt self conscious (she's a big girl) and declined the offer for me to order any of EIGHTY TWO, yes, 82, dresses I found online for various reasons, such as "I don't want to wear something modeled online by a thin person." She too threw "fanny fit" (lol btw) when I said we needed to get the dresses sorted as she said I was pressuring her. The wedding is soon. I am not being a bridezilla. She has now said she won't be a bridesmaid because of my behaviour and now won't let me see my beloved nephew. I SWEAR this is the full story. Three weeks on I'm no less confused. Un-be-fecking-lieveable.)

Anyway I digress, sorry. I am obviously biased, but I feel that your friend should just tell the bridesmaid where to go. What a silly little snob she is.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 20/04/2012 16:55

Go without her and prove her wrong. You are looking at well made dresses that have probably been worn once on a special ocassion ffs. And then they will have been cleaned! You are likely to find something gorgeous, and she will soon realise the error of her ways. Your friend needs to give her a budget.

GravyHadALumpyMashBaby · 20/04/2012 16:58

She's not paying so she shouldn't have a choice IMO. If you were being asked to pay alot of money for a dress, then yes your opinion matters. But when the brides paying...no. Tell her not to be a snob!

GravyHadALumpyMashBaby · 20/04/2012 17:00

DaddyPigs she sounds awful! Silly cow! Don't let her get you down. Have a wonderful day! Congratulations!

DaddyPigsSecretAdmirer · 20/04/2012 17:06

Thanks Gravy! I'm still like this ---> that she is doing this to me, especially as I was her birth partner and I love her son so, so much. He is my world and I've done so much for her in the recent past. Sent him an Easter gift, not a word. I know he'll be missing me and my DP something rotten also. I wouldn't mind 'cos usually I'm the one in the wrong and I'm so free with my apologies when I am but this time I know I'm not so she can bum right off!

I've had it upto HERE with nasty people recently! I'm still v excited and we have booked hen night stuff today (which she is completely ignoring messages about from my other bridesmaid-she will never ever be able to say we didn't try). I think OP this is the crux of it-tell your bride friend to take the moral upper hand as I have done and then none of it can comeback to bite her in the ass in the form of her being blamed for anything that happens. I know it's difficult, believe me!! And tell her not to stress. In the end who cares what she thinks? It's not he wedding! :)

Springforward · 20/04/2012 17:09

Wow. YANBU.

If she doesn't want to wear the dress, she doesn't have to be a bridesmaid.

We've got a lovely second-hand wedding dress shop near us, I often see nice dresses in the window on the way by! Wish I'd thought of it for our wedding.

Pandemoniaa · 20/04/2012 17:16

She sounds atrociously precious. And manipulative. There's absolutely nothing wrong with wearing a second hand dress, in fact, you are likely to get a much more expensive dress than could be afforded brand new. Your friend sounds very tolerant, tbh. I'm afraid I would have already told bridesmaidzilla's fortune by now.

RuleBritannia · 20/04/2012 17:30

I don't know what the matter is with some possibly to-be bridesmaids. I asked my sister and SILTB to be mine and found a lovely dress for them to wear. My SIL agreed to wear it I think she never wore it again but my sister refused and wanted to choose her own dress. I refused because I was the bride and it was goiing to be my day. So my sister wasn't a bridesmaid and I just had the one.

Shutupanddrive · 20/04/2012 17:36

YANBU at all!

LRDtheFeministDragon · 20/04/2012 18:25

YANBU (though btw you sound like a really good friend to the bride, by taking this trouble off her list of worries!).

FWIW, although I think she is being very rude to lay down the law about what she will and won't wear if she's not prepared to pay or to decline to be a bridesmaid with a good grace, charity shops do not all clean the stock before selling them. Some just check it looks/smells clean then hang it out, so don't go telling her it'll have been washed unless you're dead sure. Not really the point, I know, just wanted to say.

Can she not wear something she already owns? Does it have to be a formal 'bridesmaid dress' or could you not all wear an ordinary, pretty dress?

HappyJustToBe · 20/04/2012 18:45

YANBU. She is being an idiot. If I were the bride I would be rethinking having her as a bridesmaid.

titfortat · 20/04/2012 19:04

YANBU. If she is so bothered by wearing a second hand dress, then she should step down from being a bridesmaid. She isn't paying for it, so therefore has no right to throw a fanny fit.

SauvignonBlanche · 20/04/2012 19:08

YANBU

DublinMammy · 20/04/2012 19:17

She sounds like a mindfuck. I'd go to the second-hand shop with the bride, find some dresses you all like there then do the same thing in a regular bridalwear shop then tell her that her options are:

a) Accept the dress from the second-hand shop, paid for by the bride;
b) Choose something else from the "regular shop - bride will contribute whatever the second-hand dress would have cost, she must make up the difference;
c) fuck the fuck off and don't bother being a bridesmaid, she clearly is only thinking of herself.

Original poster

WkdSM · 20/04/2012 23:56

Thank you!!!!!
The really annoying thing is that I the bride is really excited about going to see the dresses - she thought she would not be able to afford a nice dress and now hopes she will ( we are looking for a dress for her as well as us).

If I could not afford it I would have just made my apologies and stepped off the bridesmaid train........... And even a normal pretty dress costs money.

Loves bridesmaidzilla - can we trade mark that?

I volunteer in a charity shop so had a chat to a relief manager today who said the dresses they have in for the bridal shop are lovely - some are new and the shop is all done out properly - big mirrors, that sort of thing - so hoping bride will feel really special.

But do feel -can we all grow up now please - it is brides day and aren't we old enough to concentrate on making it lovely for her with no stress! Oh - and the groom I suppose - although I've just agreed he's sleeping at ours the night before the wedding!!!

OP posts:

LoopyLoopsTootTootToots · 21/04/2012 00:08

I got my wedding dress from Oxfam. £100 pounds worth of designer pure silk. Why would you turn your nose up at that?

mangomadness · 21/04/2012 00:12

I didn't have bridesmaids, but ended up paying for my mum and sister's hair on the day, as well as my own. I got my beautiful dress from Ebay, brand new with gorgeous french lace in the middle for less than £50, with shipping from France. People can be such SNOBS about weddings! It makes me mad! The big day isn't about her as a bridesmaid but about the bride and groom declaring their love for each other to the whole world.

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