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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel i'm not getting enough support? (long!)

30 replies

lollipoppet · 19/04/2012 16:23

Background: we're currently living with my parents while we are between homes, I am about to finish 3rd year of degree, have 18month dd, partner works long shifts away from home, sometimes is away for more than a week so don't often get any support from him.

Before we moved I was getting sick (vomitting, an ongoing problem) and my mum reckoned it was stress-related and said something along the lines of, when you move in with us you'll be so much better as we will be able to help you out loads so you won't be stressed.

Cue now: I am frantically trying to finish my dissertation which is due in next week, totally shitting myself about it since I haven't had the time I had hoped for previously since my mum broke her ankle in new year so couldn't look after dd for me - I had her in nursery where we were living before so wasn't too bad. She is now fine, cast off and everything but then they went on holiday last week, plus dp was away working so another week of no help.

Now they are back and my mum has been looking after dd BUT she takes ages to get ready to go out in the morning so don't actually leave til about 10-11 ... they get back around 2 and dd has fallen asleep in the car so mum sits down to watch telly for an hour or so while dd is asleep (fine, whatever) then when she wakes up about 3, announces that she is going to have a soak in the bath so that is my study time finished with until dd is in bed.

THEN when my dad gets home, he is asking my mum why she hasn't done this and that around the house and she tells him it is because she has been looking after dd for me so hasn't had time. Then dad says well you should tell lollipoppet that you can't have dgd all the time and that you have your own jobs to do.....

So... aibu

to think my mum could put a bit more effort into getting her jobs done instead of watching telly and soaking in the bath? and to prioritise supporting me for this ONE WEEK, especially since they have just had a lovely holiday?

to be pissed off that my parents seem to think it's no sweat trying to get all my uni work done and just don't see it as very important?

and now i am so wound up i can't concentrate properly.

Oh and, dp has come home and had today off work to give me an extra day's study (mum works part time 7-12)

AND, I can't put dd into nursery yet as I am not sure what area we will be in when we eventually move and I don't want to be uprooting her again...

OP posts:

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 19/04/2012 16:32

You do sound like you have a lot on your plate but YABU!

You are an adult, you make your own choices about what to do, how to live and you cant expect your mum to work round you. I undersstand it must be annoying if she said she would help but you did say she does help a bit...she has raised her kids and now its her time. That is the beauty about grandchildren apparently - you can give them back!

NatashaBee · 19/04/2012 16:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dropdeadfred · 19/04/2012 16:35

If you got up early and did an hour of housework your dad would be happier and you could get quality study time while your mum looks after your dd. then more time when your dd is in bed at night

Dropdeadfred · 19/04/2012 16:36

Xposted with natashabee

lisaro · 19/04/2012 16:37

Grow up! You should be grateful for any help you get, not expect everyone else to run around after you. You sound really selfish.

diddl · 19/04/2012 16:37

Is there not a nursery she could have gone to as before?

I agree that YABU-if you didn´t/don´t like the way things are-do something about it.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 19/04/2012 16:42

I agree with NatashaBee; you are very lucky to get 4 hours per day, and in any case it's due in next week so once it's in then it's all done with. I would just stay up late for a week or two to get it done, you can catch up on sleep afterwards.

MissMogwi · 19/04/2012 16:46

As well as the time you get during the day, you could put a lot of hours in at night. Yes, you'll be nackered, but once it's handed in you can relax.

camdancer · 19/04/2012 16:51

Your mum sounds like mine - full of good intentions. She is always telling me how she'll come to help me out. She'll take the children off for me while I do x, y and z. I've learnt not to listen and certainly not to bank on it. I think the reality of looking after them is harder for her than she wants to admit to herself, so the good intentions don't last long.

It sounds as though you were banking on having much more support than they are willing to give. Sadly it is you who is going to have to modify your expectations. It is shit and it is worse because you changed things on the basis of the support they said they would offer. Sometimes you just have to accept that people aren't quite who you thought they were.

boringnickname · 19/04/2012 16:54

"
to think my mum could put a bit more effort into getting her jobs done instead of watching telly and soaking in the bath? and to prioritise supporting me for this ONE WEEK, especially since they have just had a lovely holiday?"

This is a joke right, tell me its a joke? How old are you? Im sorry, i do understand how hard it is to do university study with children, ive done it twice and its really really hard.

If you haven't had enough time to do your dissertation, ask for extension, maybe arrange for a CM to have DD for a couple of hours? Why can you not just work in the evenings? Thats what i did when i wrote my PhD, you just have to be organised - i didnt have any practical help, i had to ask for extra time, but they were very understanding. I had three hours a day when DD was asleep, on top of all that i had to do the housework, cooking etc, it was tough but i managed.

You have plenty of time, you just need to use it properly. I had to pull some all nighters when i was studying for both my degrees, its pants but its doable.

Shriekable · 19/04/2012 17:01

YANBU. I have 2 DC under 5, one of whom has learning difficulties. My parents come to my house 'to help' and then do fuck all. They sit there whilst I run around doing everything. I'll say 'can you take DC to play in garden?' and then 10 mins later they'll be back in the house. Basically, they can't be bothered, but tell their friends that they come to me every week to give me a break & to help with the kids. They only stay for 2.5 hrs as well, and even if the kids are going mental, they start getting their coats on at their 'going home' time. My dad even brings his book with him, and goes in another room to read! I don't 'expect' them to help, it would just be nice if they were half as helpful as they make out they are. I think that's what winding you up, the fact that your mum isn't as helpful as she's claiming.

boringnickname · 19/04/2012 17:16

camdancer the OPs mum has given the OP a roof over her head, looks after her GD daily, i presume prepares everyone;s dinner etc - yeah, sometimes you do have to accept that some people are not who you think they are - clearly the OP thought her mother was superwoman! The very idea that they dared go on holiday for a week - how very selfish of them. This thread is quite frankly unbelievable!

boringnickname · 19/04/2012 17:16

Shreikable i think your situation is very different and i would be frustrated too if i were in your position.

camdancer · 19/04/2012 17:31

I am a bit at some of the things in the thread, but it is very hard when your expectations don't match reality. Yes, the OP needs to grow up a bit and not expect her Mum to do everything, but the OP clearly feels she has a lot on her plate and thought her parents would help out more than they actually are.

camdancer · 19/04/2012 17:33

Clearly I'm also projecting a bit.

Nanny0gg · 19/04/2012 18:37

To be fair to the OP, her mum offered.

boringnickname · 19/04/2012 18:39

Nanny, she did and she IS helping!!!

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 19/04/2012 18:42

Four childfree hours a day is NOT enough study time for what the OP needs.
Op, I think you may have to look elsewhere for support - CM or nursery or babysitter.

HillyWallaby · 19/04/2012 18:45

YABVVU. You chose to have a child halfway through your degree. You chose that. You are bloody lucky your mother is doing what she is doing, and not just leaving you to it. How dare you complain?

boringnickname · 19/04/2012 18:51

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere - that is rubbish - i pretty much wrote up three years of research and literature review for my Phd thesis, in ten weeks, while my DD (10 months old) slept three hours during the day, the rest was done in the evening for a couple of hours. I had to be focused (definately no time for mnet), i had NO extra childcare, i had a teen to care for too, and dinners to cook and a house to keep habitable.

Yes its hard, but getting a degree is not supposed to be easy, to do it wiht a child is obviously much much harder but the OP has an unbelievable level of support actually. She can ask her university for an extension if she is struggling but needs to make damn sure that she uses what child free hours she has effectively.

Original poster

lollipoppet · 19/04/2012 18:56

Ok, I know when I've been shot down!

The frustration comes from the fact that she promised to help soooo much, dissuaded me from looking at nursery places which I think I may do now anyway even against my better judgement. But if I had known a few weeks ago it would be like this I would've looked then and she could've been settled in by now.

I think it is a bit harsh to say I'm a selfish person based on this one post. I actually do a lot of the stuff around the house, I am up first with dd everyday and empty dishwasher while she has breakfast, clean bathroom when she has a bath and gave it a massive spring clean and sorted all the garden, buying new plants as well as clearing the mountain of washing in their utility room to a) do something nice and say thanks for having us and b) get rid of some jobs so that the time would be freed up for childcare. plus I do often make dinner for them though they don't do mine or dp as we are both on silly diets. So it's not like I'm expecting to be waited on.

The thing that annoys me is I know they would make time if I had to physically go in to Uni but as I am just sitting in the other room it doesn't matter. I think I'm just annoyed they don't get the pressure I'm under.

I'm off to the shop for some red bulls to pull my all nighters ....

OP posts:

boringnickname · 19/04/2012 19:11

I do understand lolli - now ive bollocked you. You have a week to do your dissertation, can you realistically do this? If you can't go and see your tutor, lay it on a bit and get an extension, you have a baby, its tough, im not pretnding it isnt so they will understand. Get the extension, make yourself a timetabke, see if you can agree hours with your mum. Maybe consider a nursery/cm so you can revise, is there any way you can bullshit tell your mum that you have to go in for revision sessions so that you can do effective study before your exam?

ilovepinkmilk · 19/04/2012 19:12

Personally I think you have the best mother in the world! 4hrs a day, free of charge...wow : ) your very lucky. My mother has looked after my eldest daughter overnight once, never in the day. I would never ask her too, she sees them regularly and is a great Nanny but my children were my choice and I would never expect her to look after them. I and many other mothers have done exactly the same, whilst also holding down a job and having a house, partner and dog to look after! It was stressful, but I was so proud of myself for doing it. Be grateful for the help you are getting and praise yourself for getting through the hard and the stressful periods even if sometimes it feels like its on your own...they are the moments that you will remember how strong you can be. No offence intended and I totally understand your probably rather stressed and not thinking rationaly at the moment, and its better to vent your frustrations on here rather than at your mum.

Also, fit in as much time as you can in the day to see your l/o as they grow up. Dissertations can always be done at nighttime (I did always carry around a packet of ProPlus with me too...just incase!)

halcyondays · 19/04/2012 19:35

Yabu.Maybe your mum sits down and watches TV after getting back with your dd because she's exhausted after chasing after a toddler all morning. Her leg nay still be affecting, just because she has the cast off doesn't mean she's fine. It can take a while to recover from a broken ankle. If your mum broke her ankle at New Year, then ou have known for some time that she wasn't going to be able to help as much as uou'd hoped, so couldn't you have worked in the evenings to make sure you didn't run out of time. Maybe you should be asking your dh if he can take some more time off work if you really need it,instead of putting on your parents all the time. It's extremely kind of your mother to take your dd out for a few hours each day, she doesen't have to do this. I don't know what time your dd goes to bed, but you can do a few hours each night surely.

Downandoutnumbered · 19/04/2012 19:38

YANBU - it's depressing when people promise things and don't live up to them, and I think you're being given an unnecessarily hard time here. It's not that you expected the help in the first place, it's that they offered and aren't doing what they said they would, and you're now in the soup because you haven't put your DD in nursery. I would arrange a nursery place or childminder PDQ in your shoes - but I bet your mother acts very wounded if you do.

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