To find this stage so bloody hard?

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I'm a SAHM to two lovely boys (4 and 18 months) and I'm looking for a bit of reassurance and advice because I'm finding things quite tough at the moment. Neither of the DC are particularly 'naughty' (actually, I think they're pretty well-behaved, when I think about it objectively), but I'm just finding that I have a constantly short fuse these days, and lose my temper with them on a frequent basis (mainly just shouting, though I'm sometimes driven to handle them more roughly than I intend - though I've never felt close to smacking them, thank god). I find it hard to pin down why I'm finding it so tough. When I just had DS1, I was pretty happy with myself as a parent (bar the odd off day) - but these days I'm unhappy with myself most of the time. I know that they don't really deserve my bad temper - obviously they're naughty some of the time, but only in the way that all children are (and in very different ways - DS1 is quiet and thoughtful but can also be over-sensitive and whingy; DS2 is sunny and sociable, but also very strong-willed and stubborn).

When I've got just one of them to look after, I find it pretty easy - but when I've got both, I find it far more than twice as difficult. I can't seem to keep either of them happy, and I'm very impatient - I know that the standards I set for them are too high, and I'm too critical, but I can't seem to stop myself. Every night I lie in bed and vow that I'm going to be a nicer mummy tomorrow, and more patient, and generally cut them some slack - and then before we've even had breakfast the next day one of them has done something or other that makes me shout or nag or whatever. I find myself looking forward to DS1 going to school in September, as I think that might make things easier, but then I feel guilty all over again about wishing him away.

Is it just me? Does everyone find it so hard? When I look around, all my friends seem to be much calmer and warmer towards their children than I am at the moment (though I never used to feel like this). Help!

My kids are a similar age to yours and I find it hard too. I think a lot of mums don't talk about finding it hard or maybe they have more support or something. Does your 4-year-old go to nursery? I find that's a sanity saver as he's very full-on, lots of energy, has a very inquiring mind, which is exhausting day after day.

I used to love ablative absolutes

Yes, it is a hard stage and it does get a lot easier. The 4yo is not old enough to either be responsible for the 18 month old at any level, or to understand why the 18 month old does what he does.

I have 6, 5 and 2.5 yos and recently the 5 year old has improved greatly wrt his little brother. I can consider moving them into the same bedroom now, because the 5yo can be trusted with the 2yo and would tell me if he eg fell out of bed, and he has started to enjoy being a big brother.

At the stage you're at, having the 2 together is more than twice as much work as one. It's no wonder you're at the end of your tether so often. Once they improve it will be less than twice as hard as having one.

Are you me?! I have the same age DC and I am sitting in the dark with my miserable toddler DD and wondering when it gets easier. Life is a constant treadmill of illness, sleeplessness, exhaustion, frayed tempers and unmet but unreasonable standards. Shall we hold hands?!

Yes, he does go to nursery three days a week, and those are the days I find easiest (though it's always tricky when he gets home, because he's knackered). One thing I find upsetting is they seem to be better when I'm not there. If I ignore them at home they generally play nicely together, but if I try to join in they both vie for my attention and wind each other up. Similarly, if I ever mention to nursery that DS1 has been difficult, they express astonishment - I think they genuinely find him the easiest and best behaved child in the world while he's there. I suspect he finds it hard that I have very little time to spend with him one on one these days, given that he used to be the centre of my world all day every day. Anyway, I'm glad it's not just me, and it's reassuring to hear that it gets easier, thank you!

Oh it definitely gets easier (might not be until they leave home mind!! ) seriously, it doesn't take that long. You say that the eldest is in nursery, but do you get any time to yourself? Just you? Makes a big difference if you can get a break. Do you get much sleep, I know when my kids were little tgey hardly slept at all and tryig to cope with kids all day on very little sleep is very hard work. My advice would be to try to spend time with them individually, so do something special with the 4 year old when the little one is sleeping or in bed or being entertained by someone else. He's too young to understand a lot, but he should be able to understand that this is his time and when his little brother is awake sometimes he takes precedence. It should be pretty easy to spend time with the youngest when the older one is in nursery. And DON'T worry about housework too much. It will all still be there when they are teenagers.

OP my kids are same age, and my DP is a SAHD and is miserable right now. I read this with interest xx

and even at weekends I find myself getting cross and I feel SO guilt and I dont fucking see them (well I do) 5 days a week

My two are 3.7 and 8mo, and personality-wise sound very similar to yours. I identify with much of what you wrote.

Solidarity :) Reading your post has actually made me feel much better about the complex whirl of guilt, frustration and doubt that dogs me through the week, so you have helped a fellow mum in need here!

Thank God it isn't just me! My dc's r roughly the same age as urs and they seem to b such hard work. I love them so much and spend most evenings torturing myself because I wasn't more patient! I'm a sahm but my 4 yr old goes to nursery 4 mornings a week, mainly to prepare her for school in September. I think that 4 is actully a really difficult age and some days I feel driven to the limit. So no Yanbu and no u r not alone.

Same here ds is 4.4 and dd is 2.2 it's bloody hard work and when I have stuff on my mind like school admissions (we find out tomorrow) I find it's even harder! Have kind of been keeping myself in check but stressed and have pmt. Also dh doesn't get it!

Need any hints going as dd has started telling her dolls off through gritted teeth. I'm sure I do this when trying not to lose it.

Though we do get through breakfast by my ignoring them. They have breakfast at dining table (dd strapped in and ds knows not to get down). I will then either run round getting their clothes ready or hide in kitchen doorway with a cuppa. Oh and only a choice of two cereals (cheerios or shreddies) no more.

Swop you two teenagers!
Yes it get worse.