Not AIBU but.... Am I a "coper"?

[GoingToThePark]

Following on from the thread about the worrywart woman worrying about dairy allergies and baby sick.....

My mil has to call her DH at 6 minutes past one precisely. Every day when he is at work. Precisely. Or he gets the hump.she gets up with him at 4.30 am to " get him ready for work". He is sixty next month!

I like my house tidy but if for some reason things don't/can't get done, it doesn't ruin my day. Mil couldn't cope with working after she had the children as she found it too much on top of keeping the house clean.she constantly moans about their lack of money/progress in life thanks to living on one wage though. She resents other relatives for their money and lifestyle. But sacrifices their own for the sake of constantly cleaning the house.

I have always worked full time and done a degree in my spare time, had two kids. My DH is out at work a lot and doesn't do a lot around the house. My oven rarely gets cleaned and my fridge gets a quick wipe when I see mess. Hoovering is once a fortnight if I'm lucky. Bathroom is cleaned after ive had a bath, toilet is done daily though. It doesn't keep me awake at night, I would like it to be done more often but I don't get time. Mil always starts cleaning things when she comes in. I just don't get worked up about such things.

Am I just a different type of person to her? Someone on the other thread mentioned a nervous type of person mixing with someone of a " coper" personality being a bad mix. It got me thinking... Is this why my mil annoys me so much!

Sounds a bit like me and my MIL. I think my MIL fixates on her house being spotless (and redecorated every 5 minutes) because it's a) something to fill her time and b) something she can control.

Assuming you have DCs or a busy life, you (and I) just get on with things, because we have no choice.

Oh I forgot about the decorating! Ditto that.

She just prattles on about how she's just regrouted the tiles or cleaned the pantry with no thought how I manage to keep on top of things. It's another world it really is.

But that doesn't make you right and her wrong? Personally she sounds as mad as a hatter but each to their own.

My mom cleans excessively as well, never had a job outside the home, she irons tea towels and uses scented drawer liners, I don't!

Why does what you do make you a 'Coper and her ' nervous' don't understand

I was the person who said it was a bad mix.

And, yes, very probably. It's clean person/messy person syndrome. The 'coper' doesn't see the issue, the stressy person can't understand why the coper can't see it, which causes more stress, which then the coper still can't see etc, etc, etc...

Thing is, most times, with most people, the balance is about right, but when you get someone who really cannot cope and someone who is so copey that there's no empathy for others together, it goes pete tong.

Most people lean towards one or the other, but can be both; sometimes circumstances tip the scales (as it sounds in the other thread has happened), but sometimes people really are just one or the other and the mix is/can 'bad'.

I do think that there are some people who find being busy and fitting lots in harder to cope with than others.

Some people do seem to need much more downtime and sleep than others, and are less able to take lots of tasks on. Not because of any known health problem, just because they find life more exhausting and stressful. Perhaps this is what you mean by being a "nervous" person?

Other people have much more energy and take things in their stride more and so are able to fit more into their lives. Perhaps these are the people you call "copers"? That doesn't necessarily make them better people - they are just luckier.

Of course it is possible to help yourself become the more energetic, less stressed kind of person - keeping as fit and healthy as possible helps, for example. But in part I think it's just a personality thing.

Hmm, I have a few friends whose houses are immaculate (none of them work) and notwithstanding that I love them all for their plus points, they are all without exception the nervy /neurotic/ size 8/perfectly groomed type.

I'm a chubby scruff who feels irritated by perfection

I'm no scruff and not messy. But I don't iron my underpants or hoover the mattress weekly either.

When I say she is nervous, I mean exactly that. Too scared to drive, shop on her own, wants her things done immediately, can't wait etc. I just think its weird and spend most of our onversations nodding politely! I just don't see how she thinks her life and mine are remotely similar but she does. It annoys me. I have to do a lot of letting go, out of necessity, and also because I think there are more important things to worry about.

Yes I suppose it's a real problem with house sharing though I do think over time some couples adapt and either both give a little or one totally changes.
My sil used to b a rite slob with her first dh but ultra clean with new dh. He is very house proud.

Mumblechum, I don't see mil as having perfection thought. She is one lonely person really. Trapped by her need to clean. Limited by her love of flash spray. Never goes out without her sexist husband. Booooring.

Going, understand now, sounds like my mom. Won't drive and never shops alone but then my dad is a controlling dominant man who is proud that' he didn't send his wife out to work' so guess that's their dynamics.

I just smile but it can be maddening

You may be right, but you do come across as more than a bit smug. And I speak as neither a coper, nor the nervous type.

I am a bit I suppose. I like the fact I have a lovely home but it doesn't rule my life.

I like coping I suppose! I have tried with mil to broaden her horizons a bit and encourage her to get a life but she will never change and just expects me to agree with her as she winters on about "us women" and "our lots in life" when really I am proud to be nothing like her and I wonder why she can't see it.

I don't really see how coping has anything to do with your housecleaning proclitivities.

I am suffering extreme anxiety in this pregnancy, have a background of having grown up in a chaotic/alcoholic home etc..

But I am very laid back about housework and a lot of stuff that others stress out about and very capable at work. Sometimes I'm so laid back I'm horizontal. Other times I am very anxious. I don't consider myself either a coper or a nervous person, I don't think they are helpful categorisations. Generalisations suck, I think.

Also, sorry.. what are you coping with? Housework?

Coping to me is about dealing with trauma e.g. a child with significant health needs or disability, bereavement, sudden changes in life circumstance. It's got sod all to do with whether you like a tidy house or not!

Also, your MIL has a life. She has the life she chooses, not the one you choose. She probably enjoys a good old whinge. Lots of older women seem to. She's probably happy as a pig in muck but thinks moaning is a bonding experience.

You are right thunk. It's not really about cleaning. It's about how one fills ones time really. I work and raise my family and fit other chores around that, whereas she career cleans her immaculate small house and compares the two as if they are the same. That's what rankles.

The "coper" thing was from another thread, comparing one anxious over the top type of person to a more matter of fact pragmatic person. I thought it was an interesting comparison.

Agree she is probably moaning to bond rather than seriously thinking she has much to complain about.

What you seem to be saying is that she has anxiety problems and you don't. To me, this isn't about being a coper or not; like thunks, I see a coper as someone who deals with big serious things as opposed to someone who is broken by them. Ime there is absolutely no evidence that when it really comes to it someone will be more likely to turn out a coper because they have no OCD tendencies. I have known laidback easy-going characters crack up at the first sign of real trouble- and anxious types develop enormous strength.

I've been thinking a lot about this recently. My sister went on holidays with a "very laid back" friend. My sister has been described as "highly strung" in the past. They had their bags stolen from the hire car. The "laid back" friend obsessed about it all week, said it destroyed her holiday, wanted to talk about it at every available opportunity. My sister thought "hey, no one got hurt, cards and passports are available" and wanted to get her swimsuit on and into the pool once the necessaries had been taken care of.

One of the most "solid" people I know who has a history of neglect, suffered the loss of her first baby, a second child having the most severe disabilities imaginable and an abusive first marriage goes absolutely nuts if someone mentions a spider. She actually breaks out in a sweat, can become faint, would probably pass out if you showed her a picture of one. It's her personal faultline. People are amazing in how they can react skilfully to extreme trauma and threat and fall to pieces over (seemingly) small things. I reckon sometimes the small things become the "safe" site, where you can lose it about the bigger stuff that is just too Pandora's boxish to open up.

replaceable not available!

My Mum has fairly well developed anxiety problems. Not so much about hygiene, more about entertaining/presenting herself and her home/what people will think.

To give you an example she broke down in tears and rushed from the table at dh's 50th birthday party because we were using paper napkins and not linen (this was for a small family dinner).

But if you are ever seriously in the shit or badly hurt, she will be a tower of strength. Can't imagine anything worse than having to rely on my calm easy-going father in such a situation: he just goes to pieces. Mum only goes to pieces when it is safe to do so.