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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to refuse to buy DD a new pair of school shoes until she grows out of the ones she has?

26 replies

Peppin · 18/04/2012 13:06

DD (7) complained the other day that her school shoes were too small, which I thought was weird as only bought them a couple of months ago. I had a feel and when she wiggled toes there seemed to be loads of room.

I work full time so asked my mum (who does - on a paid-for basis - the childcare) to take DD to shoe shop to be measured. Mum just called to say shoe shop say DD's shoe size hasn't changed but DD wants new ones anyway. I said no. When I bought the current pair of shoes for DD, DS wanted a new pair but as his feet hadn't grown, I said to him at the time that he could have a new pair when he'd grown out of the ones he had. We duly got him some a few weeks later.

My mum made it very clear she disapproved of my decision, saying "we are only talking about the princely sum of £30 here". I said ""I've just spent £45 on a new pair for DS this month, plus £200 on "treat" family trip to see Matilda in the school holidays, money doesn't grow on trees and I'm not indulging a tantrum over a pair of shoes that are not needed." Mum was very sniffy and rang off.

AIBU to find it annoying that my mum seems to think I'm a crap mother if I don't spend money on things she's decided I "should"?

OP posts:
BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 18/04/2012 13:07

YANBU - I buy DS one pair of school shoes per school year....if he outgrew them then yes of course I'd get him some more but not just because he wanted some more.....they're blooming expensive..if your mum thinks she should have them let her buy them!

hathorkicksass · 18/04/2012 13:08

No. Her shoes fit. She doesn't need new ones.

I wouldn't buy them either.

coppertop · 18/04/2012 13:09

My response would be, "You're right, Mum. £30 isn't much at all, is it? I'll let dd know you're offering to buy the shoes."

halcyondays · 18/04/2012 13:14

Yanbu, I wouldn't buy them either.

MissFaversham · 18/04/2012 13:14

YANBU OP. This sounds like a classic case of "Nanny" siding with her beloved Grandchild. She took her to the shop and probably had to see her being a bit upset.

To avoid this, maybe next time take her yourself?

HateBeingCantDoUpMyJeans · 18/04/2012 13:16

Yes a swift that's very generous of you mum should do tge trick.

gobbledegook1 · 18/04/2012 13:16

YANBU. I'd tell your mum if she wants her to have them so badly then she can pay for them.

Haberdashery · 18/04/2012 13:18

YANBU. Why on earth would new shoes be needed unless the old ones had been grown out of? I can see the point of buying sandals if the child only has warm winter boots and it's spring (I did this myself recently) but not direct replacements for a type of shoe she already has. And I wouldn't have made your mum pay either. I don't think it's a good idea to give your daughter the idea that it's OK to buy an expensive thing like this just on a whim.

pantaloons · 18/04/2012 13:20

My youngest dd has scraped the leather off the front of her Clarks school shoes on the school trike. They look a mess, but they fit. I can almost guarantee that within weeks of replacing them for vanities sake she would grow and need another new pair again.

My mum is a super star and does loads for us, but she is also a typical Nan and likes to spoil the kids (regardless of my not so subtle hints to the contrary), but even she would draw the line at new shoes for the sake of it.

SoozyWoozy · 18/04/2012 13:24

I wouldn't (and don't) buy new shoes unless they are needed - i.e. soles are hanging off or outgrown. YANBU - she doesn't need new shoes, she wants new shoes. Although, saying that, you shouldn't go by the new measurement of her feet - just because the numbers match it doesn't mean the shoes still fit, especially if the shop measuring is a different brand.

CremeEggThief · 18/04/2012 13:37

YANBU. Stick to your guns. You are doing your DD a favour in the long run, by showing her you're not going to pander to her.

Original poster
Peppin · 18/04/2012 13:37

I do take the kids to buy everything myself if poss for exactly this reason but as it was Mon when DD complained the shoes were tight, and I am working all week and kids then away at their dad's at the weekend, I didn't want to leave her in too-small shoes for another week before I could take her myself.

Have had to have words with my mum in the past where she has bought DD clothes or shoes and then charged me - worst of all worlds as DD goes "look at my lovely new dress/shoes/coat that Granny bought me" so I get none of the goodwill!

OP posts:
stealthsquiggle · 18/04/2012 13:42

YANBU. If the shoe shop say they fit (more than saying she is measuring the same size) then she doesn't get new ones. Your DM is BVU, however.

girlywhirly · 18/04/2012 13:49

Well, it would be lovely if your mum paid for the shoes, but would teach DD that making a fuss means she always gets what she wants.

Does DD get pocket money? You could suggest that if she wants the shoes that badly, she can pay you back an amount each week until the shoes are paid for. Either she will go for it and have less money to spend on other things, or she will give up the shoes. Never too young to start to learn the value of money and that it isn't a never ending quantity.

I don't think it is your mums place to tell you how to spend on your own DC, perhaps you could suggest deducting the cost of the shoes from the money you pay her for childcare! YADNBU.

Original poster
Peppin · 18/04/2012 13:49

Thanks all! I feel less like a witch now!

OP posts:
SardineQueen · 18/04/2012 13:57

YANBU

Another vote for kindly accepting your mother's generous offer Wink

2rebecca · 18/04/2012 14:13

YANBU. Your mum is free to buy unneeded pairs of shoes if she wishes. One of the perils of having relatives as childminders is their tendency to try and take over like this. Next time if it's a clothing related issue do it when you are off work.
If she has enough pocket money to spend £30 on shoes age 7 then I'd reduce it! Buying school shoes in the final term is best avoided unless really necessary. it will soon be sandal time anyway.

GladbagsAndYourHandrags · 18/04/2012 14:14

YANBU

I wouldn't want them as a present from GPs either. My inlaws are so generous it scuppers most of my work in 'getting DC to appreciate the value of money/stuff in general' as the bottom line is they can go to Granny for whatever they want anyway. Grrr

Theas18 · 18/04/2012 14:40

agree with the above.

Debsbear · 18/04/2012 14:46

YANBU but I would have asked the shop assistant to check that her shoes do actually still fit. Shoes sizes do vary from style and suppliers. As for Granny buying the shoes I wouldn't encourage it as you have more than one child and it will just teach your DD that making a scene will pay off. And if my mother decided off her own bat to buy anything for my children, I would not be paying for it! If I ask her to buy something that's a different story (she lives in a city while we are more rural) but not if she just buys something for the sake of it.

Haberdashery · 18/04/2012 15:53

If my mother or MIL decided to buy an unneeded pair of shoes and then tried to charge me for them, I would be telling her to take them back to the shop and get her money back!

Mrbojangles1 · 18/04/2012 16:20

I offer to buy the same shoes in a bigger size that usually puts paid to any nations of getting shoes just for fashion

bigjoeent · 18/04/2012 17:50

Seriously, she buys something for the kids and charges you Shock I'm in awe...

Mrbojangles - I'm going to have to remember that, great idea.

MrsKittyFane · 18/04/2012 18:48

You should see my DD's school shoes!! They are really scruffy! They fit her though and she's not getting more until September!
As others have said, phone your DM and say that you've been thinking about what she said, you havent budgeted for new ones yet so would she be prepared to buy them if she really wants her DGD to have new ones? :o

MrsKittyFane · 18/04/2012 18:49

Don't pay her if she gives you the bill!!