To ask friends to help with food for jubilee party

[pingu2209]

Okay - honest feedback - I can take it!

I have about 4-5 parties a year where about 6-10 families are invited - these include the parents and their children. Normally the families are people we have met through church, who happen not to have any children. Or they are families where one of my children is friends with one of their children - except the invite is for the whole family.

I have an Easter party, Summer BBQ, Halloween party, Christmas party etc.

This year I thought I would hold a garden Jubilee party. This would be all british traditional food and would last for a whole afternoon.

Holding the parties is quite expensive and also hard work. However, I enjoy it and I really love seeing my children enjoy the social aspect of all their friends. I believe my children really feel 'connected' by the fact that all the parents are also friends.

I have spent a lot of money on Jubilee/Union Jack table cloths, napkins, plates, bowls, cups, servers, bunting, flags to wave, plastic bowler hats etc. I will also provide the alcohol - Pimms, gin and tonic, elderflower cordial, lemonade and tea (ie all traditional british drinks).

I have asked each of the families verbally if they would provide something for the garden party food. I asked one family to provide mini pork pies and mini scotch eggs. Another family for white bread cucumber sandwiches. Another family egg and cress sandwiches. Another family for cheese and pineapple cocktail sticks etc.

I will make all the cheese and fruit scones, mini toad in the hole, victoria sponge, triffle, new potato and asparagus salad, poached salmon. I will do the lion's share of the food - it is just making sandwiches takes a long time and need to be made last minute, and I will be putting up all the decoration and getting the marquee and tables up etc.

One of my friends asked if she could bring crisps and jaffa cakes and cheese balls etc. I said that I would rather not have them as it is not supposed to be a children's birthday tea, the point was to have traditional british food and drink. From the look on her face (not that she said anything) I could tell she thought I was being more than a bit rude telling her what I wanted to bring.

But to add, this friend has asked if she can bring her mother along too because she would enjoy a jubilee party. To which I said yes of course.

I did explain to all the guests that the whole idea was that it was to be totally British and traditional - think 1970s style.

So am i being unreasonable?

I think you're in danger of taking the fun out of the event with all this controlling behaviour.

Um... don't hold so many parties if it's a financial strain...?

But of course asking people to bring food is fine - and if you're inviting them to your house you should know them well enough to be able to explain that you have a plan and that's why you're asking each family to bring something specific.

No, I think it's fine to ask people to bring a plate of food, and to give suggestions if they ask, but not to tell then what they must bring. If you want to be in charge of what people eat, I think you have to provide it.

You sounds as though you might be a bit jaded with the hard work and expense to be honest... Which is understandable, but I think you need to decide whether you're hosting something for others to enjoy on their own terms or not at all, really.

'One of the issues is that I think most of the other families would want to opt for crisps and biscuits etc rather than make any effort. They are happy for someone else to make the effort - just not them.'

Saying this does make you sound controlling. You are the one who decided to throw the party, therefore the lion's share should fall to you. That's what being a host is all about. Is that what really offended you, the fact your friend offered to bring shop bought snacks instead of the fruits of her own labour?

I don't think your being unreasonable. I would have said to guests I'm having the party, will provide the bulk but need assisstance with the fiddly bits, on the day food as I'll be decorating the garden that day.

I have had friends help me this way before loads of times. for my DS Christening they came round mine and helped, and 1 friend made sandwiches at hers - but I did pay for the bread/ fillings etc if that makes a difference?

I understand what your saying about 'specific food types'. But also if its just - bring some food - you often end up with a load of whatevers in offer at local supermarket the same food stuffs and the guests then wonder 'what else there is' or 'if anymore sandwiches' about.

Agree you might be pushing it with the homemade - I'd bring sausage rolls if you asked me - but they'd be bake from frozen ones!!

OP, I think you're fine to ask for all the things you've asked for.

Turning stuff down without seeming rude is the issue here - were you nice about the cheese balls or rude about her suggestion? I love hosting parties but the stress of it can sometimes make me a bit snappy, is there any chance that happened?

Also, just because you host lots of parties doesn't actually make everyone else obliged to do what you want. You hold them because you choose to, and it doesn't follow that everyone else should be grateful. However, you do sound good at it!

I wonder how many 1950s street parties featured new potato and asparagus salad?

YANBU, our friends hosted a royal wedding party last year and the invitation asked for specific requests for food donations to match the theme of the party. I was happy to do so.

Otherwise you'll end up with 15 bags of crisps and some mini-sausages.

I don't think it's unreasonable.

Can I come btw? I will bring Pressed Tongue and a Strawberry Shape.

But if you're the host and it's your party, surely you'd expect to do 'the lions share' of the work.

What I'm getting from your posts is:
You think the other families don't want to out any effort in
You think given the chance they'll bring nothing but crisps
You are keenly aware of the work and expense to which you'll be going to, but
You like having parties because it's good for your kids

I think you're being a bit controlling and a bit of a martyr, and you sound frankly a bit resentful towards your guests.

I reckon is fine to be reasonably specific about food - e.g. "sandwiches" or "sausage rolls" or whatever - otherwise you'll just get all the same thing. However I don't think you can turn down offers of biscuits and crisps unless somsone else is already bringing them. A couple of platters of "non-themed" food won't spoil what sounds like a fantastic party!

I have to say that if I had a friend like you who laid on that many parties a year and provided copious amounts of food and drink, I would absolutely bring along anything that you asked!

You sound like a very generous person to be doing this and I think to go to all the effort of making it a traditional party, the last thing you would want is something that doesn't go along with your theme.

As someone else has said, the things that you've asked for aren't expensive and people will have a great time (I assume - otherwise they wouldn't be coming), so YANBU.

Having said that, I am a complete control freak when it comes to organising parties and would probably go shopping with the people to make sure they get the things I want them to!! LOL (joking obviously - I'm not quite that bad).

I hope you have an amazing time!

I don't think there's anything wrong with asking for donations and making suggestions. I'd prefer a request of do you mind bringing ham sandwiches,? Rather than bring ham sandwiches.

You do sound a little inflexible though. I can see how she'd be taken aback at you saying no.

I'm a 70's child and cheese balls would fit alongside the other food perfectly well. You're not doing a kids party but it's also not an adults dinner party. Biscuits and crisps would always appeared at such events I attended as a child, Jaffa cakes and cheese balls are quite 70's.

never rely on anyone else for something you specifically want at a party... it is fine to ask them to bring a dish, but you can't make them do what you want and risk them not showing up because they forgot to buy cress etc. besides, everyone has different ways of making things... my family use salad cream and cherry tomatoes for egg sandwiches, others might do mustard, mayo and cress... far better to let them bring whatever they like and do the things you want yourself.

I think if people ask what they can do to help/bring and you say "I would love a hand with the cucumber sandwiches because I'm going to be dead busy with setting up and they need to be fresh" is fine. Saying "You need to bring cucumber sandwiches, on white bread with the crusts cut off and in quarter-sized triangles" is too much.

It sounds lots of fun and absolutely fine to suggest things people can bring but not ok to be overly specific and controlling. In response to the cheese balls and jaffa cakes I would inwardly do but outwardly smile brightly and say "I'm grateful for anything you can do. If you are able to help out with any of the themed food too I would be really grateful - I'm a bit worried about getting it all done to be honest and I'm a bit worried I've taken on too much . But really any help makes such a big difference.". But I am a bit controlling and manipulative.

It's fine to decide that you are having a heavily 1950s-themed, terribly British party and to decide on exactly what food there will be if you are doing the work and providing the food yourself. But when you ask other people to take on a share of the responsibility you also have to give up a share of the control. You're trying to retain that control even down to telling people what kind of bread they can use in the sandwiches they make.

I think a better approach would have been to ask them to contribute something (other than crisps and other packet food), that was suitably "1950s street party" themed, ask what they would like to do, and agree it with them (so you get to veto cheese balls or hula hoops but you aren't dictating at a very specific level). It could be they'd be very good at scones or trifle or potato salad. And you could ask people if they could arrive early to help assemble sandwiches or help get the marquee and tables up.

Jaffa Cakes have been sold since 1927, by the way, so could well have been at a 1950s street party (rationing permitting). I'm not sure there would have been plastic bowler hats, though, and cheese and pineapple on cocktail sticks is more 1960s/1970s -- so, again, there's an element of your deciding that everything must be perfectly 1950s-themed (so they can't bring what they want), except when it isn't (so you can have what you want).

It is great that you like throwing such big parties and that you have a good group of friends to do it for -- but I think you do need to be sure that you are genuinely doing it because you enjoy it. If you are getting weighed down by the amount of work or expense and it's leading to ill-feeling then it may be an indication that you should scale it back a bit.

I throw a lot of parties and if I want a theme which is picky specific I do all the food. If it is a pot luck, BBQ, throw it together thing people can bring what they want.

What I find hilarious is that I live abroad and know lots of people who do as well. The one thing that ALL of them ask for, that is considered quintessentially British, is Jaffa Cakes. I hate the things but you really can't find anything that people consider more British. I had this conversation with a Canadian:

"I love those British cookies"
"Which ones"
"They are cookies with jelly in them"
"Jammie Dodgers?"
"No no, covered in chocolate"
"I have no idea"
"You all eat them, orange jelly inside"
"Jaffa Cakes?"
"YES! Do you have any?"

Absolutely. If you want a theme, you have to do the theme. The guests didn't choose your theme.

A party's not a party without Jaffa Cakes and cheese balls.

Clearly your friend understands this.

At our school for end of term "pot luck" lunch, people write on a list what they're planning to bring, so they choose what to bring but everyone doesn't bring the same dish

I think your party sounds brilliant and well done for taking it on.

I've just received an invite to a street Jubilee party, organised by a neighbour who has plenty of room to host. She has included a list of dishes e.g. coronation chicken, dessert, canapes etc and I have to pick one to bring and let her know. I think I prefer that to being told exactly what to bring, as there is flexibility for me to make something I know I'll like. I hate coronation chicken for example, so will go for something savoury I do like.

YANBU - it sounds lovely.

We had a new years eve party a last year and told everyone what to bring, in fact one couple, we provided them with the recipe they needed to make what we wanted! They loved doing this, and we had a fab sit down meal, all to the same theme, and NOBODY cared. I guess I have generous friends!

If people can't be arsed to make a plate of sandwiches, yet still want/expect to come to a great party - then I too would feel slightly pissed off. If they want to bring crisps etc, that's fine, but along with the requested stuff too.

Have fun!!

When asking for food contributions it's OK to specify "a salad", a "savoury dish" or "a sweet" or "nibbles" but don't be any more specific than that.

OMG - quote: I will also provide the alcohol - Pimms, gin and tonic

You're PAYING for the booze for 6-10 families and the least of your worries is this friend's mother?

Are you very, very rich or summat?

I must say as others have said that if you host this many parties every year and you asked me to bring cucumber sandwiches - I would bring cucumber sandwiches and they would be lovely.

You sound very generous and as a fellow ahem control freak I totally get that if you're going to a lot of trouble then you don't want cheese balls (not that I know what they are??) ruining your lovely table.