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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I am trying to rise above.....

17 replies

DawnOfTheDee · 16/04/2012 16:32

More of a what would you do really. I'll try not to make it too long:

Friends with a couple, I'll call them Mr & Mrs to make things simple.

My DH is v good friends with Mr, has been since school. Mrs is my best friend's cousin.

Mrs has cheated on Mr once that I definitely know of but more probably a few times. She doesn't work, he does....v high powered job and earns a lot. Tbh I've always had her pegged as a gold digger. She boasts about how much he earns, always 'forgets' her purse (she did this even when she had a job), etc, etc.

On more than one occasion she has admitted she doesn't fancy him but likes the lifestyle he provides. This annoys me as he's a very nice bloke but I have never said anything as i think each to their own...for all i know he likes being able to provide and his oh not to have to work.

She is very pretty and he puts her on a pedestal. He has self esteem issues with how he looks (has no reason to...he looks fine).

So, they are now getting married. I think he's making a mistake but again, not for me to say, it's up to him who he marries/how he lives his life. I have considered raising my concerns because I don't want him to be taken for a mug but haven't.

Anyhoo...I've been nothing but nice to Mrs but she seems to have a problem with me. I think this is because she knows I'm aware of one of the cheating incidents and things she has said re not fancying him. That's fair enough and i can completely understand. However I've never given her any cause to think i'd stir things up and I'm always friendly around her cos I'm all for second chances and if she is what makes my friend happy so be it.

Her problem with me manifests itself in a few ways but i've always ignored it as I'm trying to rise above her petty behaviour. However this weekend we're going on someone else's hen do. I asked her for a lift. she said yes. Fine. But then i found out she'd literally asked everyone else if they wanted a lift, leaving me out. Ok, still fine. Her car, she can do as she pleases with it (bit embarrassing for me not to be asked though).

Now I have found out she was due to be sharing a room with me and my best friend (her cousin) but she has asked to be put with other people. What concerns me is I'm not sure what reason she has given for this to the organiser. When I asked the organiser she swerved the question and clearly felt awkward/put on the spot. Which leaves me wondering what has she said as I haven't done anything.

I'm getting a strong feeling (trying not to be paranoid) she's made something unflattering about me up. And while i'm all for live and let live, I don't want my other friends talking about me especially since whatever she had said isn't true (cos I can't believe she'd give the real reason).

I am trying so just ignore her and rise above but it's getting difficult now....I feel like I'm being provoked!

So aibu to try and find out what's going on? Or should i bite my tongue as I have been.

Sorry it's long...think i've covered the major points. Don't want to drip feed...any comments, suggestions appreciated.

OP posts:
DontHaveAtv · 16/04/2012 16:39

She's probably picked up on the vibe that you don't like her. Its not fair if she has made up some story, if its nasty about why she doesn't want to share with you though. But you don't know if she has. I would just ignore it and if anything else happens, ask her what her problem is.

WorraLiberty · 16/04/2012 16:40

No I wouldn't bother.

It's clear you don't like her and I think she's made it clear she doesn't really like you either.

It's good that you both tolerate one another, but spending a whole night in a room with someone you 'tolerate' is probably something you should both avoid.

I'm sure it's better this way.

TotemPole · 16/04/2012 16:40

How do you know she's cheated on this man? Did you catch them red handed yourself? Could she be on the receiving end of malicious gossip and think it originates from you?

Does your OH know about it. Does he think his friend should be told?

Ask her outright, why she asked to be moved rooms.

DawnOfTheDee · 16/04/2012 16:51

Yes I saw them. It was at my house. had a few friends round for drinks. found her in the kitchen getting off with another friend. It was really blatent. This wasn't a party situation...everyone else was in the next room. her oh had gone home about half an hour earlier. I've heard she's done similar at other times but i give people the benefit of the doubt unless i know for sure (as yes i think it's horrible when people are gossiped about)

My DH knows and part of him really wants to tell his friend but i think he's wary of sticking his oar in someone else's relationship.

apologies for slow replies an dbad typing. i'm feeding my dd!

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 16/04/2012 16:52

Do you really want to share a room with her or are you just feeling snubbed?

DawnOfTheDee · 16/04/2012 16:53

After the above incident she sent me an email saying she'd told her oh and they were working through it. Don't know if i believe this but i can't call her out with out talking to her oh and telling him about it iyswim. She's very machiavellian.

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DawnOfTheDee · 16/04/2012 16:53

Honestly...feeling snubbed. But i'm more concerned about what she's said as I don't want to be on the receiving end of malicious gossip!

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ragged · 16/04/2012 17:02

You're already assuming the worst of her in other respects, just assume she said something weird & unkind & untrue about you & let it go. What's the point of knowing the details?

DawnOfTheDee · 16/04/2012 17:06

What am I assuming?

I have been letting things go but I don't like to think something unkind/untrue has been said about me to my other friends.

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Bambino81 · 16/04/2012 17:08

she sounds delightful!!

could you not ask your best friend to have a word?

DawnOfTheDee · 16/04/2012 17:10

I think i might bambino. She's probably more likely to be able to get a straight answer than me anyway.

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fedupofnamechanging · 16/04/2012 17:15

Can you talk to your best friend (her cousin) and tell her everything that you have said to us? Ask what has been said.

I think I would be inclined to tell my friend what I had seen, because if he's planning on marrying her, then he ought to know what he is getting. I think that if they get married, she will try to phase you out anyway, so you have little to lose. Get your dh to do it - I'd be very concerned if my friend was marrying someone who doesn't even respect him enough to cheat discreetly and if I was the friend being cheated on, I'd want my mates to say something before I got landed with an expensive divorce!

Besides, she did this in your house - in my book, that makes it your business.

TheCraicDealer · 16/04/2012 17:25

I know it's easier for us to say, but try and ignore what she's doing with your group of friends. Be honest and if they ask tell them there's never been any rows and you have no idea why she's carrying on like this, but don't be nasty or sink to her level. Let anyone who cares enough see her for what she is.

The issue with the cheating is completely different though. She sounds like a fannylodger, and a nasty one at that. My first instinct would be to tell him everything somehow, but if his self esteem is as low as you say it is in all likelihood he'll brush it all under the carpet. Poor bloke.

DawnOfTheDee · 16/04/2012 19:06

Thanks for replying.

CraicDealer You've hit the nail on the head....that's exactly my thoughts. I want her bloke to know what she's like but to be the one to tell him.....that scares me a bit tbh. Yes, i'm worried he'll stay with her then it'll really be hard to continue the friendship.

I've talked to my best friend and basically it's exactly as i thought. She doesn't want to share etc because she feels uncomfortable (because i know what i know) around me.

What is especially annoying is that the rooms are pretty much just a place to crash. If she'd just let things be no-one would know there is any tension or anything. I certainly wouldn't have brought it up.

I'm going to have a word with my DH as it's his good friend who's being taken for a ride. Also, I won't volunteer any information but from this point on I'm not lying/keeping quiet for anyone anymore!

OP posts:
BBQJuly · 16/04/2012 19:41

IMHO it's best if this does come out into the open. Difficult but the best in the long run, I think.

fedupofnamechanging · 16/04/2012 19:53

It's really annoying when people behave in such a way, that you end up knowing far more about them than you are comfortable knowing and then they hold it against you, because they regret telling you.

DawnOfTheDee · 16/04/2012 19:56

amen to that!

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