to be thinking like this?

[BlueWorrier]

Ok, first of all, this is just what?s going round and round in my head...I would never say any of this out loud to any of the people involved as I totally understand that it?s not my place to do so and it?s not really any of my business, but (rightly or wrongly) it doesn?t stop me thinking the following ? I do feel really awful and judgmental for thinking all of this but I can?t help the fact that this is how I feel.
Basically, my DH has a son with his ex-wife. The relationship between all of us is amicable, we have DS half of the time. However, since DH split with the ex, she?s had a pretty tough time. Although DH pays maintenance, she has obviously been burdened with financial implications that she would never have had to deal with on her own had they not split up, i.e. having to find and be solely responsible for a home suitable for her and DS etc. Organising all of this was pretty tough for her but DH has always made sure that she?s financially comfortable and has always paid much more than the recommended amount for child support as he doesn?t want to see them struggle in any way. However, the more money he gives her, the more financial commitments she makes (i.e. 2 new cars in 2 years), meaning that she?s always putting herself close to the line and sometimes struggling to cover everything at the end of the month.

Since the split, she?s become ill with a condition which means that she is often bed-bound and has trouble with walking and energy levels, but will probably resolve itself in the future. However, while it?s at its worst, it impacts on her DS who cannot take part in any other activities outside of school as she can?t commit to getting him there, and he has also developed anxiety issues relating to her illness ? he is starting to become a school refuser as he doesn?t want to leave her on her own all day. She was previously working part-time (and supplemented her income with working tax credit/maintenance payments/child tax credit etc) but now does not work at all and claims disability allowance (and the related benefits) instead.
She?s also made some ?interesting? decisions about their housing situation in the past depending on who her current boyfriend is ? they even ended up living in a boyfriend?s caravan at one point as they wanted to save money for a house, even though she had been paying pretty much the same amount of money per month for a really nice cottage which was ideal for them ? I think the boyfriend wanted her to cover his costs for the caravan and therefore persuaded her to move in and cover all of his living costs.
Anyway, she?s now with a really nice man who has moved in to their house and DSS loves him, which is great. However, he works really long hours for a pretty small wage and they often have arguments about work/money even whilst we are there, i.e. she doesn?t want him to work as many hours as he does but he says he has to in order to earn enough for them all. Their home life is difficult because of her illness ? some days she is absolutely fine but others she is very poorly. The house is going further and further downhill in terms of cleanliness and clutter.

However, they are just starting to talk about having more children ? this is where my alarm bells started ringing. My first thought was that surely they need to wait until they are more financially and medically stable before they start trying for children? I know it?s not my call and that she didn?t ask to be a single mum, and when she?s well, she does a great job and obviously she can?t be blamed for not doing as much when she?s ill. But it breaks my heart seeing DS going without things and not being allowed to join in with activities because of the different problems they have and surely a new baby will just take more of that time, money and his mum?s (already very limited) energy away from him?
Just to clarify, I am not going to say anything about this to anyone involved, I just wanted to know AIBU for feeling like this? DH and I have put off TTC for about a year for me to get to a certain level in my career so that we feel we are in the best possible financial position plus I have had several health problems which we wanted to get sorted first. I guess that it?s up to the individual and maybe I?m feeling this way because it?s the opposite of what we decided for us but I am just shocked that despite all of the issues, they have made this massive decision. AIBU to privately be worried?

YANBU to worry to yourself. Is there any way you could have ds more often? School refusal is pretty extreme!

YANBU to be worried about your dss. That shows you are a caring stepmum, I think. But there's nothing you can do. It's her and her partner's decision. All you can do is keep your thoughts to yourself and do as much as you can for your dss. New babies are time consuming but they soon get to the point where they are less high maintenance. Could you perhaps offer to take dss to some activities during the first six months, say, for his sake alone?

Phew, thanks for the replies, am glad that it's not unreasonable to have this kind of worry. We are planning to take DS to a sports club (probably football or tennis) where he can learn new skills and socialise with other kids outside school as we have worked out a time we can make the commitment to taking him and paying for it so that his stepmum doesn't have to. Should've mentioned that in the first post, sorry! We'll probably have to commit to this permanently though rather than the first 6 months as the club takes place during one of the days he's with us and she may not be able to commit permanently due to the nature of her illness.

Purple, we are unfortunately in the position where having him for any more time would mean we'd have to do the school run and there's no way we could do that with the timings/locations of our jobs. I'd happily have him for more time but we literally have him for all of our spare time outside of work.

I don't think YABU at all, i think i would feel the same as you.

Can i ask how old DSS is?

He has just turned 7. He is at the stage where he can occupy himself for a while (and he has to do that a lot especially when his mum can't move and needs him to stay put and be quiet for long periods of time). When he comes to us he is really active and energetic - I guess this is because he is allowed to be like that and we encourage it as we know he has to curb a lot of his natural exuberance at home. I just worry that he'll have to be even quieter and less active (or even take on some of the caring for the new baby when mum's partner is at work?) :(

Ouch, YADNBU to think like this although I do agree with you that you can't say anything about it. Must be frustrating knowing that the people involved don't seem to be putting DSS first.