Aibu for not thanking my aunt straight away

[Peanutbutter37tuesday]

Need a bit of perspective please. It is so tedious I can't really believe I'm writing it!

My aunt offered to make some curtains for DSs room. I could have done them myself, but as she offered I thought why not and was very grateful to her.

Fast forward to Easter Sunday, she had dropped the finished article round to my parents as we were having Sunday lunch with them on that day. She'd rung a few days begore and told me they were there and I had thanked her perfusely for finishing them and we picked them up on Sunday afternoon.

Thursday lunchtime (as i was just about to serve DSs birthday lunch to DS and grandparents) I get a call from my uncle saying aunt is offended that I didn't call to thank her afor the curtains nd could I do it that evening. I said yes of course and went on to explain to him that DS was writing a thank you letter to her along with those he was writing for his birthday presents and I was planning on calling her as we had previously discussed her coming over for lunch and I was going to thank her when I had called. I wasn't too happy that he'd chosen DSs birthday to call and it had put a bit of a damper on my day but I hadnt meant to offend her so just figured I'd call to apologise and that'd be it.

This is probably a good time to mentiOn that last week was probably one of the busiest, worst and most stressful weeks of my life, for various reasons.

So I call her, thank her and explain that DS was writing a thank you note for her and arrange a date for her to come over for a 'thank you' lunch. I didnt mention the phone all from my uncle. All fine, forgotten about.

This morning I receive an email from her saying 'I was sorry to learn that I received a phone call from you only after John had talked to you on the Thursday. I somehow thought we had a better relationship than that.'

I'm really upset and a bit annoyed. I don't quite know what she wants from me. I could have probably called Sunday evening to thank her, but last week was truly manic and I honestly thought she'd appreciate a thank you letter from DS rather than a phone all. DP thinks she's being ridiculous and mean and do agree with him in a way. I feel like four days wasn't a long time for me too thank her and I really am annoyed that the whole thing has blackened DSs birthday a bit.

I have no idea what to write back, I want to apologise for offending her (I really dust mean or want to upset her), but at the same time I don't feel like I should be making a grovelling apology about not thanking her quick enough, WIBU to tell her that I don't think I'm totally in the wrong?

Thanks, sorry it's so long!

I don't think you should email her - give her a ring, apologise for offending her in any way, explain how truly busy you were and do what you intended to do (send thank you letter from DS and invite her round etc. etc). You both clearly think a lot of each other and this is such a trivial thing to fall out over.

It sounds like she is of the generation where a prompt personal thank you is expected.

She wasn't to know that your week had been manic so was probably waiting by the phone a bit IYSWIM.

Then she got the call and was happy until she discovered it had required a 'prompt'.

To be honest I can totally see where she is coming from and a lot of her perspective could depend on how her Dh described his intervention. I can imagine:

Her: Peanutbutter called and thanked me and I'm having lunch with them soon'
Him: I should think so I gave her a good talking to about it as I was disgusted she had forgotten you, so she probably has her tail between her legs, hope she appreciates you more next time'

Of somesuch. I could imagine that being given the impression no thank you would have happened if he hadn't stepped in (him bigging up his role a bit too maybe) would quite take the sheen off it for her.

So I don't think she is being mean and horrid, I think both your points of view are totally understandable and the only reason there is any distress at all is because neither of you has 20:20 vision of the others internal thoughts and personal circumstances.

Go ahead with your plans for card, and when she comes for lunch say you'd like to clear the air and are sorry she felt hurt but you certainly hadn't forgotten her, this is what was going on, you would have done the same even without the phonecall and you hope that she trusts this is true as you know you are lucky to have her help etc etc. Can you be friends again?

i suspect that will solve all and it is a pity it cast a shadow over ds b'day but I don't suppose that was the intention, as is the case with many hurts (as you know) rarely are they actually intended!

I would call and say why offer to make them if you want be thanked for ever and a day It was DS's birthday and as I explained to uncle John, DS was writing you a thank you card and I was inviting you round for lunch to show my appreciation. Then just explain u had a hectic week with DS's birthday meal and various other stuff.
She cant be annoyed at that xx

So you had already thanked her?
She didn't do you a favour, it sounds like she put you permanently in her debt

She was probably all proud of them and wanted to hear how you thought they were lovely and the stitching was excellent and they look lovely in the room etc.
I can see why she would want that. OK she sounds a little pernickety but I am sure if you reassure her she will appreciate it.

She sounds like very high maintenance to me. You thanked her when she told you that she'd dropped them off at your mum's house - that's good enough to me.

I think her husband was rude, in phoning you and telling you what to do - you are an adult, not a child. You don't need to be taught good manners. You have explained your situation and apologised more than you ought to imo. That's good enough and she's still not happy.

I'd ask her not to do me any more 'favours', if it means you have to drown in gratitude for ever.

my aged aunt and uncle are like this too, its a massive PITA

Sounds like she is hard work.
If I've read your OP correctly, you'd already thanked her profusely when she told you they were at your Mums, and then you did it again a few days later (on ds's birthday, after phone call), and she's still having a go at you ? . She needs to ungrip. she needs to learn not to offer to help someone out if it's all going to be about her in the end.
I speak as someone who does make my children write thank you letters, and does think it's important to thank people for things, but, as you already had done (and were in the process of encouraging ds to do so in writing) it seems you had done what was needed.

As for the Uncle - he needs to butt out. It's the behaviour of a sterotypical interfering schoolgirl !

You didnt offend her... she feels offended without cause, mardy cow there is a difference.

Although you have already thanked her before the prompting, I would email back saying that you feel sorry she feels offended but you had planned to thank her 'properly' after you had finished your busy week.

I reckon this is one of those things that will drag if you let it

She sounds a right moaning pita.

Perhaps arrange a grand unveiling of the curtains, complete with red tape and scissors and a fanfare.

Silly cow.

Quick, breezy response required:

"Of course I wasn't only phoning because of [uncle] - I hope you know I've got better manners than that! [insert another couple of lines about how lovely the curtains are]. Looking forward to seeing you on [date]. Love Peanutbutter x"

she has no need to feel offended.

I think GinPalace has hit the nail on the head re: uncle's involvement, so I think you do need to explain to aunt what really happened.

I personally would have mentioned uncle's phonecall when I rang aunt, to show that you were dealing with it.