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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To get his sons hair cut.

42 replies

mrsscoob · 15/04/2012 18:27

My sil is separated from her ex partner they have a little boy. Mum likes the kind of surfer boy look for her son, he has longish hair, Dad prefers short hair has asked her a few times to get his hair cut. Kid doesn't care, he's 3. So he's come back from the weekend at his dads and he has had his hair cut short. My sil is very upset but her ex partner says hes done nothing wrong as he is quite within his rights to get his sons hair cut. What are your thoughts?

OP posts:

TheDetective · 15/04/2012 20:46

I'd of gone mental. Completely mental.

My mum did it to DS once... I have never ever forgiven her, and she knows it, and is still ashamed she did it.

Ds has longer hair (no idea what surfer style is) because he happens to suit it a whole lot better.

zookeeper · 15/04/2012 20:47

I used to practice family law and arguments about hair are very very common between exes. I never really used to understand why until my dd returned home one time from my ex with her hair shorn. I felt like killing him.

I think it's probably more a question for the absent parent taking back some control and in a way that's understandable.

If your friend feels that strongly she should write to him saying that she prefers to keep her ds' hair long so at least she has something in writing just in case he should ever turn around and say he had no idea of her feelings.

Ultimately she needs to remember that it's only hair, that there's not a lot she can do about it.

ChocHobNob · 15/04/2012 21:15

He's hardly an absent parent. He sees him enough to take the child for a hair cut

5madthings · 15/04/2012 21:20

tbf you dont have to see a kid much to take him for a hair cut, given those places in town you can just drop in and wait for an appointment.

i asked dp about this, he thinks its crap it has come down to this and the sensible thing would have just been to have got the kids hair trimmed if the dad really didnt like it, but a no 2 is going to the other extreme and i suspect it has just been done to piss the mother off, as it has done!

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 15/04/2012 21:31

They are both being unreasonable to use their son like this to get at each other. There was surely a middle ground.

How long have they been separated and how long was their sons hair when (if) they lived together as a family? Has she let it grow to spite her ex or has he only started to object to long hair now they have split up and he wants to spite her?

smokinaces · 15/04/2012 22:19

Ds2 had longish hair - little boy pudding bowl styleish. I loved it. My ex hated it. He would tease he'd shave it, I teased o would kill him. I got it trimmed every eight weeks to keep it neater as a compromise. Looking at photos now I did slack a bit and what I thought was cute looked a fucking mess.

But at three and three quarters he decided he wanted it short himself. It's how a number three on the sides and longer on top. I cried.

But long and short of it - they should have had an adult discussion about it. Theres no win - if it stays long she gets her way if its cut short he gets his way. It's hair but neither should "win"!!

smokinaces · 15/04/2012 22:20

God excuse the typos. Bad phone and fat hungover fingers.

boredandrestless · 15/04/2012 22:25

I would be furious. Fortunately my ex felt the same way and liked longer hair. However then DS got older and the fight to brush his hair everyday resulted in a trip to the hairdressers. Hi dad was a bit upset but as he has him 2 nights a week tops, it was me dealing with the battling and upset.

I can understand why SIL is upset.

mercibucket · 15/04/2012 22:26

I'd be furious (mum of surfer dude, or moptop as we call him)
But if her ds was happy enough about it, she'll have to get over it, I guess

elvisaintdead · 15/04/2012 22:26

They both sound like idiots, wanting their child's hait their way? Seriously? Tey could have compromised but it seems neither was willing and now it's just going tobecome an ongoing battle. As a Mum with a DS from a previous relationship AND a step Mum I can't help but worry about what's going to happen when they have to make MAJOR decisions about their son's life, if things are getting so heated about a haircut when he is 3

They both sound controlling and it's about time they both grew up a bit!

kickmewhenimdown · 15/04/2012 23:05

Your sil is not bu. I would have been fucking seething if I was her. I dont think these things can be compromised if they have polarised views like in the OP and the decision should fall to the residual parent imo.

RoadToNowhere · 15/04/2012 23:13

If they agreed over such things, or respected each other's wishes, or could compromise and be reasonable with each other they probably wouldn't be separated.
This sort of thing is bound to happen - how can any of us say which parent is right or wrong without knowing both of them and the entire history? Which is hardly worth it, over a haircut. Or to look at it another way, they haircut isn't really the issue.

HolyLentenPromiseBatman · 15/04/2012 23:25

They're both being unreasonable. The father has as much right as the mother to decide which hairstyle his son has.

A haircut is honestly not worth 'going fucking mental', 'seething', or being 'furious' about. Good thing about hair is...it grows back!

Long hair on little boys looks awful. IMO, EXP, DH, FIL, DM all doing you/your child a favour.

Hopandaskip · 16/04/2012 00:20

The dad likes it short, the mum likes it long. The mum shouldn't automatically get the choice. I don't think the dad is being unreasonable at all. I do think it would have been better if they could have decided together. Not sure why people are assuming that dad did it to spite mum, did mum keep it long to spite dad??

Soon enough neither one will get the choice, the son will decide.

Hopandaskip · 16/04/2012 00:21

oh and if someone other than the other parent did it, yes I would go mental. Grandparents etc have no right to do that sort of thing. Father does.

Original poster

mrsscoob · 16/04/2012 08:16

Spoke to her last night, she is still very upset, she thinks she will get a lot of comments today when she takes him to nursery. I said to her to try not to get to upset over it and it will grow back but she said everytime it grows back he will just get it cut again.

OP posts:

mayorquimby · 16/04/2012 12:36

Suggests she tries to reach a compromise with her ex rather than just ignoring his opinions and then perhaps he won't.

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