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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Gambling SIL- more of a WWYD

17 replies

penguinsoup · 15/04/2012 16:28

I'll try and be as brief as I can without drip feeding.

My SIL is addicted to gambling, namely the poker machines. I don't know how long it has been a problem, but I suspect for several years in one form or another.

Her and my DB are in their mid fifties. Their DCs are grown up and left home. SIL has always been a SAHM. My brother retired last year and it was only then he discovered that his wife was putting sometimes £1,000 a day into the machines in various arcades around the city. I guess while he was at work, he didn't notice. Hmm

They are very well off. He made a lot of money as a lawyer but it's not a bottomless pit from what he's told me. They are mortgage free and each drive a prestige car. From the outside, it all looks great, but he told me after a few scotches at Christmas she has ploughed her way through an 'obscene' amount of money. From a man who probably made in excess of half a mil every year, that must be a lot...

Anyway, once her problem was discovered, he went mad. In some bizarre logic, took her to vegas, so she could have one last hurrah, and then made her go to GA. She has been going to the meetings etc.

As far as he is concerned, she has it under control. He is back doing a lot of pro bono work at the moment (he got a bit bored I think and there was probably tension at home for obvious reasons), but now SIL is on her own a few times a week.

My DH's brother works PT in a big amusement arcade about an hour away. (My SIL wouldn't know this as she doesn't know him, and besides, he's at Uni and this is just his casual job).

He told my DH that my SIL has been in "every day that he's been working anyway" and she's one of the hardcore brigade who have a person assigned to look after their machine if they go to the toilet. AND THEY BRING HER FREE SANDWICHES FROM SUBWAY! Shock He knows it's my SIL he says, as she parks her black SLK outside! (Possibly being judgypants here but I don't think many people whacking their money into one arm bandits drive £60,000 cars). He remembers her kinda from our wedding and he didn't know about her problem- so was quite surprised.

Now I know, even though DB has told me details (albeit when he'd had a skinful), this is essentially a private family matter between them. But do I tell DB? Do I stay out of it and hope that she gets caught again as is quite likely? I hate knowing what I know and even though I'm pretty certain it's her, I can't be 100% as have not seen it myself.

DH says I should speak to my DB. But we're not that close that I can just call him up and tell him anything.

I have considered mentioning it to SIL but that sounds like an even worse idea..

She clearly has a problem, but then they'll have an even bigger one when they realise she's gambled the house. :(

Also, DBIL will lose his job if it comes out he's been talking about the customers!

Aaargh, WWYD?

I'm posting in high traffic AIBU in case anyone has experience of someone with a similar addiction and if they had any advice?

OP posts:
Lindax · 15/04/2012 16:35

if you hadn't said in the last bit DBIL will lose his job if it comes out he's been talking about the customers! I would have said 100% tell db about it.

I have a DBIL who is a gambler and goes to GA. He willingly has no access to money as he cannot trust himself. DSIL keeps his bank cards for him.

Its an addiction she isnt controlling and its better your db knows now rather than '000s of £'s later.

dont know how you do this without getting your DBIL into trouble thou'

Original poster
penguinsoup · 15/04/2012 16:36

I know Lindax, it's damned if I do....

OP posts:
Coconutty · 15/04/2012 16:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QOD · 15/04/2012 16:43

I'd go visit your dbil at work one day for lunch ..... Make sure he texts to confirm she's there. then YOU can see her and tell DB.
This could be massively life impacting, Your DB could loose everything, and DSIL needs help

Original poster
penguinsoup · 15/04/2012 16:44

Hmmm, good idea Coconutty. Though he'll probably wonder why I was driving around a different city on several occasions. :o

I suppose I could say 'I saw SIL's car outside the slot machine place on Wednesday.' and then just leave him to take it from there.

OP posts:
DeWe · 15/04/2012 17:01

I'd go for QOD's suggestion. Only problem is if she then chooses to go to a different one instead.

ladybirdbliss · 15/04/2012 17:54

i would tell my db somehow, as he thinksthat sil hasit under control and clearly she dosen't.
My dh is adicted to gambling too, and thankfully does know it and is trying to do something about it. so i have all the money and cards.

its a problem that she needs help with so if your db dosent know hewontbe able to help her and might end up badly off in the future.

hope you go on ok with whatever you decide.

ladybirdbliss · 15/04/2012 17:55

sorry..that meant to say your db*

Kayano · 15/04/2012 17:57

I would tell my brother.

She could ruin their family!!

Teeb · 15/04/2012 18:09

I think he needs to know that it isn't under control. It's good that they have already gone out to seek help from gambling anonymous etc, but he probably needs to be more practically minded now. It's a shame, but as part of her addiction she needs to be aware that she cannot be trusted with any access to money, and he needs to stop enabling it.

ShesEverSoFamous · 15/04/2012 18:24

Have you thought of speaking to GamCare op?
They can provide help to not only gamblers but to their family and friends too. They have a forum on the above link where someone may have went through a similar thing.

Lindax · 15/04/2012 18:26

can you call GA and ask for advice?

or ask your DH's brother to speak with the amusement arcade manager for advice, saying she attends GA's and asking if he can inform her family? They should have some sort of gambling social responsibility policy for gamblers when it has become a problem. (although they may just ban her and she could move onto another place to gamble).

could you say you know she is gambling heavily but cannot tell him how you know and tell him to check his bank (being married to a problem gambler he should be doing this anyway). Also ask him to keep his source a secret and hopefully it wont cause problems.

really tough one, but your db needs to know

thereistheball · 15/04/2012 18:51

I would have to tell your brother. It shouldn't be necessary to bring your DH's brother into it.

Moominhunter · 15/04/2012 19:27

Why would DB loose his job for talking about the customers? Surley they have some duty of care. Hmm

parakeet · 15/04/2012 20:45

Could you say to brother: "I'm sorry, I can't tell you how I know, but I do know that SIL is at this place every day." It's up to him what he wants to do next.

Original poster
penguinsoup · 17/04/2012 15:26

Thank you for the advice. I'm telling him tomorrow. :(
Can't say I'm looking forward to it, but it needs to be done.

OP posts:
Original poster
penguinsoup · 17/04/2012 15:27

PS: if you work in a slot machine place you are not allowed to tell people if someone you know is in there. She is likely one of their best customers...

OP posts:
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