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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be irritated at my step-mothers diet?

19 replies

CarpeJugulum · 15/04/2012 16:14

Stepmother (SM) is French and has had cancer in the past. As background, I lost my mum to cancer and SM's diagnosis was out of the blue and a severe shock and worry to both DF (and me as I was worried about DF losing her within 10 years of losing my DM) She attended her French oncologist for her annual check, and while everything is (thankfully!) fine with her cancer and she is still cancer free, her bloods have shown an exceptionally high cholesterol level.

She has effectively been told that if she doesn't reduce her levels, she risks a serious heart attack. She's been given a diet sheet - which is effectively a low fat diet.

Now, last year I had gallbladder issues (finally perforated and removed) but I was also given a low fat diet to follow; and being a bit of a compulsive personality, I spent a great deal of time researching diets, cholesterol and healthy foods.

So, she and DF are up for a visit and the first night, I cooked a fat free stirfry with veg and fish - tasty, filling and healthy. We spent time in the evening discussing diets and tasty food options that she could eat.

Out the next day, and we stopped for a coffee. SM orders a full fat latte and a piece of caramel shortbread.

Since then, she's scoffed knickerbocker glories, pistachio nuts, ice cream and, in general, more fat in one day than I eat in a week.

And she spends the whole time moaning about not losing weight. I've been trying to subtly point out that what she eats is the issue, and DF is also doing this now he's read the info I received/researched, but not as subtly.

I'm pissed off irritated that, having been told she's at serious risk (especially given all the drugs she's still on to try to prevent the cancer re-occurring), but she's still not taking action.

AIBU to want to slap some sense into her?!

OP posts:
DogEared · 15/04/2012 16:18

YABU to want to slap anyone.

YANBU to be frustrated.

I am just trying (and failing) to imagine a French woman who needs to lose weight... :o

Also, I'm really sorry about your mother. My DM died of cancer too and I'm sure all this is bringing it back to you... Hope you're OK.

GlitterySkulls · 15/04/2012 16:21

i get that you're concerned, but really, it's none of your business.

it's her body, & her health. you can't make her do anything.

StarshitTerrorise · 15/04/2012 16:22

Well YANBU in your feelings but she is responsible for her own life.

My DM smokes and has high BP that she is being treated for, whilst continuing to smoke and eat crap.

She calls me health obsessive but I eat crap too, it's just that I don't see a Chinese takeaway on one night and an Indian takeaway the next as a varied or moderate diet as she does.

SootySweepandSue · 15/04/2012 16:22

Maybe she is bloody miserable being on a diet. Heart drugs can alter your metabolism aswell so maybe it is not just what she eats. She won't change until she wants to. I suspect she has been through a hell of a lot and just wants to be.

lolajane2009 · 15/04/2012 16:23

it is her choice tbh as she is an adult. she sounds like my fil though and he frustrates me.

CarpeJugulum · 15/04/2012 16:25

Oh yes. I know it's her life, but it wouldn't just be her that it affects.

DF has already lost my mum, and I don't want him to lost another wife too early.

She just shrugs and says that she can't lose weight - and then eats a big piece of carrot cake (hidden in my cupboard so we didn't have "bad" foods out when she was here!) for her breakfast.

OP posts:
topshelfrita · 15/04/2012 16:26

YAB a little U. Perhaps she's allowing herself a few treats while she's on holiday? I try to watch what I eat most of the time but I let it all go hang whenever I'm on hols. Life's hard enough. Ease up a little and enjoy her visit.
DogEared, French ladies of a certain age can look, well, matronly although they are rarely huge.

LoopyLoopsTootTootToots · 15/04/2012 16:26

Fairly sure I'd be the same as her. I just love tasty food too much, and a veg stir-fry existence forever wouldn't be life to me. Maybe she feels the same?

puds11 · 15/04/2012 16:29

I understand your frustration. My mother contiued to smoke throught and after cancer treatment. I genuinely cannot believe she does it! she said she was going to quit when i had DD. DD is nearly 4 now and shes still smoking! Angry

CarpeJugulum · 15/04/2012 16:32

No. DF says she's been like this for the last six months.

Eating all the wrong foods. I have NO issue with a cake every now and then - a life without treats would be miserable, but for breakfast?!

We've just been out for a carvery Sunday lunch - and come back in and so far, she's eaten half a bag of pistachios, another piece of cake and is eyeing up the food I'm making for DS for his tea. And then she'll eat our dinner, and look for more food.

And I've got another two days to get through. Sad

OP posts:
noinspiration · 15/04/2012 16:36

Well you can't make an adult do anything they don't want to, and tbh if someone was making helpful suggestions to me about diet I'd quite likely think 'ah feck it' and have another piece of cake. You've done your best.

Perhaps DF could start doing some of the cooking and the shopping and lead by example?

LydiaWickham · 15/04/2012 16:37

(once you get outside of the more chic parts of Paris, there's lots of chubby woman wearing frumpy clothing, it's a myth they are all stylish!)

OP - you can't do anything to make her change diets, so all you can do is say to her that you aren't prepared to listen to her whinge about not losing weight when she won't follow the diet. There is nothing more annoying than someone who 'talks a good diet' - this just has the added annoyance of her health situation being so much more serious than just someone who wants to wear a smaller dress size but still eat cake.

The only other option is to talk to your dad, try to get him to take over cooking and shopping, and not have the foods she can't have in the house and only cook things she can have. (this means he can't have them either!) that way she's at least only limited to when she's out and about to eat badly.

And try not to nag her, it sounds like she's been through a lot, she doesn't need to hear it's her own fault from her step-daughter.

eurochick · 15/04/2012 16:41

Maybe she prefers the pleasure she gets from food to the prospect of an extra few months in a nursing home? I know I would (and I say that as an avid exerciser now, in my 30s).

bushymcbush · 15/04/2012 16:50

YABU. It's her choice what she eats. She can't diet to please you or your father. She can only do it for herself. I'm sure she is fully aware of what is 'wrong' with her eating habits and she doesn't need policing by a holier-than-thou step daughter (sorry but you do sound a bit condescending).

Detach from it OP and don't let it get in the way of your enjoyment of their company. It really isn't your place to judge or intervene.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 15/04/2012 16:56

Perhaps as an adult she has made the informed choice that she would rather ahve a shorter life full of the things she likes and enjoys than a longer, restricted one.

I enjoy smoking. I fully accept I am more than likely going to die from a smoking related illness. I would rather diew younger and smoke than live longer and not. I am comfortable with the risk vs happiness assement and plan to start smoking again this summer.

I can understand it is frustrating though.

Mrsjay · 15/04/2012 17:00

Its such a shame that she isnt taking care of herself but there isnt anything you can do it about it really YANBU to feel scared and fustrated , My auntie has had 2 heart attacks and now has angina , she isnt over weight thought but sky high blood pressure and high cholestorol , she has slabs of butter on her bread in mashed potatoes , uses full fat cream hasnt really changed her diet , her familiy have given up nagging her , you cant force somebody to go on a healthy diet ,

toptramp · 15/04/2012 17:01

A fat French woman! Shock I thought they were all supposed to be skinny minnies!

GavisconJunkie · 15/04/2012 17:04

YABU to be frustrated at it, I may concede you could be frustrated by it. Sorry, pedant day.

toptramp · 15/04/2012 17:28

It also sounds like comfort eating. I do understand how frustrated you are because my mum carried on eating and drinking shite throughout her cancer treatment but I think she just wanted to enjoy life.

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