To have kept this under my hat

[laptopdancer]

The guilt is eating me alive.

Went to visit MIL yesterday and when I arrived, she told me FIL (79) had been sent that morning by ambulance to the local hospital with chest pains. She was sure everything would be alright and was just waiting for a test result and thought he may even be home that afternoon.

She asked me not to tell dh as he was very busy working all day yesterday and said she didnt want to bother him under those circumstances. She said she would phone him in the evening when FIL was out and more was known. I did say I felt disloyal my dh not mentioning it (the rest of the family all knew!) but she asked me not to tell him and said she would phone as mentioned.

Phone call didnt come last night but she just phoned to say FIL is still in and now I could tell dh (no news on what the problem was yet).

So Ive just told DH that his dad was in hospital all day after being rushed in at 4 am with chest pain :(

I HATED lying to him all day. I dont think I could do that again. WIBU doing as MIL asked?

sorry but no way would i have kept that from my dh.

yeah sorry but i would have told DH, i'd be furious if he kept something like that from me.

Poor you, what a horrible situation to be in. Was your DH upset not to have been told? I would talk to him about what you should do if, god forbid, something similar happens in the future.

I would have told DH I think, just in case the worst happened, but it is done now so there is no point in getting upset over the past.

I know some families who do weird things like this - very controlling imo.

I'm sure you won't do it again. It was U of her to expect you to comply.

I would have said no, and that her son had a right to know his dad was in hospital.

Have you admitted to him that you lied? If you have i would just ask his opinion on it. I think if it was my husband he would rather know so i would be more inclined to do what HE would want rather then my mil.

I wonder if the MIL needed time to deal with this, come to terms with what it meant & what it didn't, without worrying about how devastated her son might be, too. It's that maternal role of feeling you have to fix everyone's grief, you never lose it. So I think yanbu. Because MIL is the first line of support & supporting her wishes takes priority. If my DH was very upset I would tell MIL not to make that kind of request of me in future.

TBh she isnt the powrful, controlling type. These are two country type oldies who genuinely dont want to bother people. My DH is the hard worker of the family who always takes things on and she genuinely just didnt want to bother/upset him on one of his busiest working days of the year. You have to remember that she would have been a bit fragile as well, given her dh was in hospital.

That being said, it was awful and I never want to be in that position again (and wont be).

Yes, I have told him poo poo. He hasnt appeared cross.

ragged i think you have a point, she isnt a controlling type....they are both quite secretive about medical stuff anyway as they dont want to upset the kids. They kept her hospital visits for what turned out to be fractured vertebrae due to osteporosis for ages.

a secret for ages

I think you were in a difficult position and had to respect your MIL wishes up to a point.

If she was still telling you not to tell him, then I think I would have told him anyway but it doesn't look like that's the case.

Slightly different story but my Dad was rushed into hospital on the day I was in London for a job interview. I didn't particularly hurry back and spoke to my mum a couple of times to say I was meeting friends etc.

When I got back I found out what had happened. Mum hadn't told me because I was driving and she didn't want me to panic on the way home. Also there was little I could do as Dad was having tests etc. I was cross but understood why she did it.

I don't think your MIL was being controlling and it sounds like you used you own judgement.

Hope he gets better soon

My MIL does this, tells me potentially devastating news, then says not to tell DH. She once told him his DGF had died and he told her not to tell him things like that again...he was 8!!
She tells me all sorts and expects me to keep it from DH, who would be destroyed if (for eg) his father was ill, and he didn't know.
I tend to make non commital noises now when she says don't tell, and DH knows ASAP.
Tis a hard one, but I always think how would I feel if info was known by others but not me.

I will definitely ask him what he would like me to do in a similar circumstance

I think that personally I would have said something last night when she didn't call.

I'm guessing that from what you say his work is in someway connected to racing given you mention it is one of his busiest days of the year. I guess his DM knows that, and how much he takes things on, and didn't want to add to his burdens - but when she said she would call and didn't (obviously because she couldn't for some reason), I think it would have been the right thing to do to tell him at that point.

I think perhaps because he knows his DP are the "not wanting to bother anybody" types he understands. It must have been really awful for you but it seems like MIL was just not wanting cause unnecessary panic.

Difficult situation for you to be in. This 'not wanting to bother people' can lead to all sorts of problems and even delays in getting treatment.

We have been in similar situations, not being told about a very ill relative. Even the doctors weren't fully aware of the seriousness of the situation because the patient didn't want to 'bother' anyone, and didn't fully disclose her symptoms.

You need to be very clear to them that they have to tell you EVERYTHING that is going on, and that it is NOT a bother to you.

I think it's partly out of fear as well, as refusal to admit the seriousness of the situation.

I'm not saying that controling behaviour is obvious OP. People are controlling without even realising it. Imo to keep your FIL's potentially serious illness a secret is, imo, controlling.

Don't feel guilty. You did what you were asked to do. Your MiL, like many of her generation was trying not to be a bother, and in doing so has caused more bother. If something like that happens again, I would say to MiL, no, sorry, I feel I have to tell him.