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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be a little upset none of my old uni friends want to stay in contact?

21 replies

BerryCheesecake · 14/04/2012 20:00

I know it's a silly thing to feel upset about but I don't have many friends outside work and none of my uni friends want to stay in contact.
There was a group of 7 of us while at uni. 4 of that group have stayed in very regular contact and have been to weddings etc which I have seen on Facebook but never been invited to.
There were 2 girls who I would have considered myself good friend's with at uni and met a couple of times with them after uni when we first started our jobs after uni.

These days they're not interested and have ignored Facebook messages/ texts or said yes they'd like to meet for a coffee at some stage but are always too busy .

I have no idea what I did wrong and why they don't want to keep in contact.

I have always considered myself a nice, friendly person and don't know why they see eachother and go shopping etc ( all posted about on Facebook) but are always too busy to meet with me!

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 14/04/2012 20:02

I've never ever understood why anyone would stay on FB when it tortures them like that. Seriously, I'd block them and try to make new friends. Do you have a family? How old are you? What are you interested in?

cheekybarsteward · 14/04/2012 20:04

Errr, you need to forget them and move on. They are clearly not interested, you have attempted friendship and they have not responded.
Join some new groups and meet some likeminded people

Debeez · 14/04/2012 20:09

YANBU to get upset but agree with previous posters, it's time to move on. Find friends to share your time with who have time for you. Clubs are great and cater from everything from Karate to Knitting.

ImperialBlether · 14/04/2012 20:11

I agree, YANBU to be upset. They sound as though they were friends for the duration of university, but not now.

Whatmeworry · 14/04/2012 20:11

When people move on they usually change their friendship groups (and all too frequently aprtners) - leaving school, leaving Uni, leaving jobs - big points of change.

flapjack77 · 14/04/2012 20:12

I was in exactly the same situation Berry, made all the effort to stay in touch with uni mates, all to no avail.

In the end I realised it was their loss, and I was better off without them, don't really know why they didn't want to stay friends, but past caring now!

dreamingofsun · 14/04/2012 20:17

i've lost touch with my uni friends. my boyfriend/husband worked away all week and he loved coming home. so i felt torn between spending 3-4 hours on the road to visit friends or spending time with him at home - which i knew he preferred. i wish we had lived closer.

Secrecy · 14/04/2012 20:20

Time to draw a line. YOU don't need THEM because they are too flakey! Please don't beat yourself up. You sound lovely!

springydaffs · 14/04/2012 21:11

YANBU to be upset - it'[s upsetting. I know what you mean about thinking friendships were for keeps, or thereabouts, and getting a big shock!

Absolutely their loss. You cant know why and please try not to work out why or blame yourself - that's the road to feeling shit about yourself so use all your might to put a stop to wondering why. For some unknown reason these relationships aren't going to bear fruit SO put them behind you, block them on FB, and get on with your life with the proviso that you obviously only want to spend time with people who want to spend time with you, who care about you and value you.

You have to kiss a lot of frogs I find but I hope said lovely friends materialise for you - you sound lovely.

gafhyb · 14/04/2012 21:18

How old are you?

Personally, I found my 20s a horrible time of upheaval, competitiveness, insecurity, confusion, and striving to establish your self in so many ways. When I look back, some of the friendships that survived did so almost by chance ( or fate) - proximity being one factor.

It's very upsetting you've been excluded from some get-togethers. I'd avoid FB if I were you, and concentrate on making one new friends. Hard, I know. It will all sort itself out in the end.

lovebunny · 14/04/2012 21:31

if i were you, i'd get some counselling. you need to talk this through and re-build your self-esteem. i'm sorry your uni friends are dire, appalling people i wouldn't want you to hang around with, but they are, so you'll have to carry on without them. so build up yourself, your self image, and be pleased. you are that nice person you think you are. sod them.

Original poster

BerryCheesecake · 14/04/2012 21:33

Thank you for all your kind words :)

Yes I am still in my 20s and no children yet so not in the 'mummy' circle so to speak. Wish I was but still waiting for that one! :o

OP posts:

Garliccheesechips · 14/04/2012 21:52

Plenty of time for that OP.
Enjoy yourself. Forget them

Original poster

BerryCheesecake · 15/04/2012 00:24

Thanks :)

OP posts:

maddening · 15/04/2012 00:42

I have just taken redundancy from the job I took after uni 11 years ago - it's very strange to see a world that you were once part of, and spent a great deal of time in, just carry on as if you never existed.

I think also that this just happens as you grow older - life gets more complicated, time more precious - weeks can pass by without you noticing - and friendships can weaken when people are busy.

Whatever the next part of your life holds for you it will definitely hold new friends.

dictionarydiva · 15/04/2012 00:49

I think it is just one of those things. I was in a really big group at uni of about 15 of us and all three years we were close and always together in a gang, but we kind of split off into factions after uni and I speak to 2 people regularly, see 1 of those regularly (the other one lives hundreds of miles away) and maybe another 2 casually on FB etc. When there's an occasion like a big birthday more might meet up but it's really clear those days are past when we do, iykwim. I just think at different points in life you have different friends: it doesn't mean they weren't real friends at the time or that if you were in the right situation again you wouldn't reconnect.

Lol maybe I am just saying that cos no one wants to stay in touch with me though and actually they are all still meeting up behind my back!!

mayaswell · 15/04/2012 01:02

Some people are only interested in those who are useful to them, you might find they're just using one another for convenience and contacts. Move on, life is full of opportunities. Being in your twenties can be lonely.

startwig1982 · 15/04/2012 06:51

I think it's the same for lots of people. I had a large group of friends who all swapped details and promise to keep in touch but gradually we stopped and now are friends on fb but not in rl. However, I have kept in touch with my two best friends and we see each other regularly, despite the distance. If they're not prepared to make the effort then they're not worth having as friends!

helloclitty · 15/04/2012 08:01

mayaswell

That is so true. I am now the wrong side of 40 and can spot a user a mile away. I recently had a lady befriend me when she needed something that I might have been able to help her with, the minute she sorted the problem out I was dropped .

The funny thing is I suspected she would do that and thought it highly amusing when I was proved right.

OP, I really wouldn't worry you will probably find that the remaining 4 will lose contact with each other if they are those types. It's really not worth worrying about. As others have said, find some more genuine friends and build relationships with them instead.

marathonrunner · 15/04/2012 11:12

I get p*** off with people like that. I had a group of good friends at uni and have kept in touch with a few of them. In fact, 3 or four of them are coming to down for my birthday in 2 weeks. I say 3 or four because 3 of them have stayed in contact and have arranged a hotel room but the 4th said to me 2 months ago that she would like to stay with me but since then, nothing. I have tried to contact her several times but she has blatantly ignored me. I will be very annoyed if she contacts me now wanting to stay as I will feel like she is just using me for a free room. She has a good job and can afford the hotel. I feel like saying that I can't have her to stay and am consideing doing so.

Annpan88 · 15/04/2012 11:19

Its very annoying. While I've stayed in good contact with my uni friends, my friends from home (bar a few) are a different story. They all see each other, but then again they all live in the same area still. I had my sons Birthday in my home town and invited them so they could all meet him and not one of this group came. Really highlighted something to me as my friends from uni all came at great expense but they couldn't manage a 10 minute drive? After a few years of keeping in hazey contact, I've jacked them in (or they jacked me in?) not worth it!

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