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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think everyone should butt out r.e. my dp's £2000 lottery win?

49 replies

Monica2012 · 14/04/2012 11:10

My partner has just won £2000 on the lottery. We live together and as i'm on a much lower income, he earns 5 times per month what I earn, I pay half the rent, half the supermarket shop and £20 towards bills every month. He pays everything else.

Every few months he treats me to a night away in a hotel and takes me out for dinner once a week. Every four months or so, he also comes home with a surprise voucher to get my hair done.

So, he won this £2000, and members of my family are saying he should've given me half, and that it's ridiculous and selfish of him to still make me pay my share of the rent/shopping. I don't agree with them. Who IBU?

OP posts:
AmberLeaf · 14/04/2012 12:06

If he wasnt taking so much you could afford to pay for your own hairdos

LesAnimaux · 14/04/2012 12:09

I see she pays half of the food and rent. It seems fair to me. But yes they should live within the means of the lowest earner.

blubberyboo · 14/04/2012 12:13

it does sound like your finances are very imbalanced - you should really be left with enough to be able to pay for your own little treats and hairdos and luxury items as I'm sure he does for himself

with regards the lottery won i'm not sure that he should just give you half ie split down the middle but it would be nice if you could spend it on a joint treat like a holiday or something that you both otherwise wouldn't have done

JustHecate · 14/04/2012 12:17

You pay FAR more than he does. You do know that, don't you? He is taking practically everything you have. If a couple isn't doing the 'one pot' thing, then the fairest system is to each pay the same PERCENTAGE of their money in.

Otherwise, you find that the one that has the least is paying the most.

It's unfair.

Original poster
Monica2012 · 14/04/2012 12:39

Thanks for all your comments. I have started another thread because before I didn't realise it was unfair for me to be coming out with more or less nothing, but him to be affording to buy himself loads of things for his car, and him buying himself what he wants etc, never having to worry about money, but I am having to, and being left short at end of month. If I do run out of cash, he is always there, giving me a few quid each day to buy myself a sandwich and drink and never expects it back, and every time we go out for a meal, he does insist on paying, so he's not selfish with money at all.

OP posts:
JustHecate · 14/04/2012 12:40

Work out your respective percentages.

Please do that.

Just work it out.

fedupofnamechanging · 14/04/2012 12:45

Thing is though, Monica, if you were paying a fairer share, then you wouldn't have to ask him for money to buy everyday things like a drink or a sandwich.

He can afford to be 'generous', because it's your money that he's being generous with.

Giving benefit of the doubt, it's possible for him to have just assumed a 50/50 split is fair, because on the surface of things you are both paying 'the same' and he hasn't thought about disparity of income (particularly if you are both young and this is the first time either of you have lived with someone).

Have a sit down and talk him through it. If this is a serious, committed relationship, he should be receptive and not want you to be in a position where you feel beholden.

AlpinePony · 14/04/2012 12:45

Yes, he is selfish with money.

AmberLeaf · 14/04/2012 12:46

so he's not selfish with money at all

No hes just making sure you dont have enough so he can 'treat' you?!

He is selfish.

HandMadeTail · 14/04/2012 13:00

My DH and I have a small firm of accountants, and therefore get to see a lot about different peoples' finances, and how money is owned/shared between couples.

Different things work for different people, and it is no ones business but their own. So your family are BU. If you and DH are happy with your set up, then stick with it.

Adversecamber · 14/04/2012 14:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Merrylegs · 14/04/2012 14:22

I think you sound not OK about the 'sharing' out of money and your family are not 'butting' in but are worried too and are trying to tell you.

JosephineCD · 14/04/2012 14:26

He can afford to be 'generous', because it's your money that he's being generous with.
How is it her money?

I wouldn't expect my OH to subsidise my lifestyle. I'd expect them to pay proportinately more towards the children but not towards me.

fedupofnamechanging · 14/04/2012 14:46

It's her money, because she moved into his flat, that he was already paying the full rent for and now she pays half the rent.

If her contribution was proportionate to her income, then she would be able to buy her own stuff and not need him to sub her for things like a sandwich at lunch time.

fedupofnamechanging · 14/04/2012 14:50

I'm making the point that he is financially gaining, by her being in the flat, whereas she is struggling to keep up with a lifestyle set by the higher earner.

I know it's early days and lots of people keep their money separate, but I think, as a couple, they have to live according to the budget of the lower earner if they are going to do a 50/50 split. If they pay in proportion to their earnings, then they can have a higher standard of living, maybe.

ApocalypseThen · 14/04/2012 14:55

It's his house, is it? And you're paying half the mortgage?

If it's still his house he's making a fool of you, and you're worse.

fedupofnamechanging · 14/04/2012 14:57

It's rented, I think. But it was his rental that she moved into, so she never had the chance to maybe find a place they could both afford.

While I think of it, OP, you need to get the lease in both your names, if it's not already, because otherwise you have no security

sausagesandmarmelade · 14/04/2012 15:00

He sounds amazingly generous....

He's not obliged to give you half of his win. Your family should mind their own business and be happy for him....not stir up trouble.

sausagesandmarmelade · 14/04/2012 15:10

OP says she is better off than when she lived on her own.

How could she even cope on her own with £700? Dunno...but she obviously did.

They are not married....and as far as we know they don't have children....so why should she not contribute what she is already?

He treats her to dinner once a week, hotel stays once a month and other treats.....aws well as pays the bulk of the bills which probably amount to several hundred a month.

Again....very generous! Why should he be begrudged of the treats he buys himself or his win (poor bloke!)

HappyMummyOfOne · 14/04/2012 15:17

I feel incredibly sorry for him. He has lived with a girlfriend for 16 weeks (as per other post) and is now expected to subsidise her and let her pay very little and share his income etc. Why shouldnt she pay half of the living costs? OP has already said "I have a little bit more left than I used to when I lived alone" so is already better off anyway.

Completely different if married or they had children but they dont or arent. I hope DS never finds a girlfriend who expects him to pay for everything.

JustHecate · 14/04/2012 15:27

I see it as being the same really as, say, taxation.

Person A earning £10,000 and Person B earning £50,000

which is fairer?

Person A and Person B both paying £4,000 per annum in taxation.

Person A and Person B both paying a % of their income annually?

You might say well, if they are both paying the same amount of money that's fair. But is it fair? When one person is paying almost half of everything they have and the other is paying under a 12th? The same amount in pounds is not the same amount in impact and thinking in terms of numbers of pounds spent creates a massive inequality in real terms.

GilbertandGeorge · 14/04/2012 20:03

It doesn't sound like much of a partnership. I think he sounds rather the opposite of generous.

marriedinwhite · 14/04/2012 21:12

You say you were a little bit worse off before you moved in with him. Is your lifestyle now much better because your home is much nicer?

I'm not sure what the answer is and am very old and very straight for Mnet but I'd say that if he asked you to move in as his girlfriend and if he had the flat anyway then he shouldn't be asking you for rent. It sounds a bit like you are paying him so you can sleep in his double bed with him. Hmm. This just isn't like a couple getting a flat together and working out a budget based on a joint income.

FWIW I earn one tenth of my dh's income. We have been together for a very long time and I spent a long time as a sahm before going back to work. DH has never, ever asked me to contribute to the bills. It has evolved that I pay for the dc's extras but only because I stopped giving him the bills iscussing it with him once I had enough money to play bountiful mummy saying yes without consultation for the ski trip.

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