Mum In Law ... need advice from someone ... !

[ILoveHorridHenry]

My mum in law is a nice lady, helps out with the kids, is only too happy to have us over for dinner every night if she could, and is a kind and very loving grandmother to dd and ds.

It's going to sound ridiculous and I just wanted anyone else's opinions and experiences, but I feel as though she's genuinely never really taken to me. It's making me feel very unreasonable because I dont enjoy going round to visit at all and for some reason has started to affect me with regards to myself.

Bit of background, I was with her son v young (we were both 20), got pregnant unexpectedly whilst we were living with her and the rest of the in laws, and she wasnt happy at all about it. (understandably). Fast forward 3 years and whilst everythings mostly ok, we have had severe differences in opinion and I know from how she acts sometimes that she thinks Im too opinionated and that I should take her advice more, in terms of feeding the kids and things like that. Bear in mind mnetters she never forces anything down my throat it's just I get the real gut feeling she thinks Im difficult. She hasnt ever treated me as her own daughter and I guess this is to be expected.
We come from completely and utterly different cultures as well to add to the tension. She thinks I cant cook and rebuffs me if I offer to help her in the kitchen. Her eldest son is getting married to a girl that is from the same culture and as stupid as it sounds, it upsets me that they will prob get along better as well as probably cook together and stuff. If this girl visits, she makes sure the house is nice as well as laying out refreshments and things like that. I didnt have any of this when I visited back in the day.

You all prob think Im a sad cow dont you. But I dont know why, I just feel a need to please her in a way. Does anyone else have any similar experiences and can anyone give me any advice on dealing with my gut feeling that she doesnt like me?
Note Ive given gifts like gold jewellery and silk scarf, flowers every few weeks, so Ive tried to counteract it like that because this feeling isnt making me feel like a nice person :(

How do you feel about living with her? Does it make you uncomfortable?
Is there some lingering worry that your cultures are different?
Do you wish you could cook?

In other words, what is at the very root of your problem?

I dont live with her anymore

yes there's always this worry that she sees me as a bit inferior because my culture is considered by them as not the nicest one. I agree it has its downfalls but so does theirs, i.e women doing all the housework with no help, slaving after the men etc

I can cook :( thats what is so frustrating :( but as I said, Im rebuffed everytime Ive tried to help out, even doing a bloody salad she wont let me but gets her 16 year old to do it

You're not a sad cow, you just sound insecure about yourself.

The gifts every few weeks are a bit OTT and probably not necessary, in fact, it might seem to your MIL that you're trying to buy her a bit?

You sound reasonable in the things you've written, why not ditch trying to look for signs she doesn't like you and just be yourself? And be happy to let her get to know who you are.

Don't worry about your future SIL, it doesn't matter what her relationship will be like with her.

Just relax a bit

Could she have other reasons for not asking for your help with the cooking?

If she runs around after all and sundry, she probably just wants overall cooking control her guests to sit back and enjoy their time at her house instead of working?

It's not necessarily a slur on you.

I only get her flowers every 5 weeks or so, think I made it sound like every 2 weeks! It def cant be a case of her thinking Im trying to buy her as in their culture this is seen as a mark of true respect and love for someone.

yes I should relax, and I will admit Im not the most secure person, if its not her Im trying to please then its my own mum.

Wow this is a change from the usual MIL thread!

If she really thinks you are inferior based on your culture then you should ask yourself why you care what she thinks. I wouldn't value the opinion of someone like this.

But is it possible that she is just trying to look after everyone? Has she actually said something to you? Have you said anything to her for eg "Can you show me how you like the salad done?" or "why don't you want me to help you?"

My MIL really gets in my face trying to be really best friends. We are so different (cultures) this will never happen - I don't want to slave in the kitchen with her while the men sit and drink. Perhaps you should take a backstep.

I'm intrigued to know what culture is considered by her as 'not the nicest one'

I think you've done really well.

You've come through difficult times and survived tense co-habitation with her. And you've reached a place which is food enough. She's welcoming (in her way), interested in the children and even if you think she doesn't take to you, she's willing to act as if. No, you can't do much about whether she lets you cook (she might be possessive of her kitchen for other reasons as well, though). But her home is open to you, and her intrusive child-rearing advice is clearly irritating but is not that uncommon a phenomenon.

I think that you must have been doing something right to make this much progress. Try not to compare yourself to her new DIL; it won't help you and what you see isn't going to be the whole story anyhow.

You really are doing fine. For no matter what she thought when your relationship began; time, familiarity and seeing her son happy and her DGCs turning out well are the things that matter.

meditrina - that was just brillianr advice. I feel a hell of a lot better and not so awful about myself. captain, I do agree, think i need to relax a bit and not care what she thinks.

how long have you been married or been in the family?
i recognise some of that from earlier in my marriage but now things are all fine, sometimes it takes quite a few years to feel properly part of the family and settled with everyone, and to be accepted?
it sounds like you are trying a lot and also she is not doing anything directly wrong to you so my advice would be just chill a bit, and try not to worry about it too much if you cant help it - just keep things as they are and eventually things will improve between u naturally, if she sees u keep making effort over time that is gonna have an effect surely? and try not to let things get to you too much

firawla - Ive been in the fam about 5 years now. Ive got 2 kids with her son. I wish I could stop worrying about the new dil and everything, I really am going to try and make the effort to chill. Im just worried about appearing fake if you know what I mean

Does it really matter?

We all have people we get along with better than others.

Are you married to her son? You don't mention which cultures you and her son are from but it could be that not being married (if you are not) is the difference.

I can cook, when my parents visit they won't let me cook, they take me out to dinner, which is nice, but I would like to cook for them occasionally.

What meditrina said. It sound like you have done a fab job of getting on with your MIL in what must have been a very difficult situation. Perhaps you are not the daughter-in-law that your MIL would have chosen but you are both making this work, and that is very impressive.