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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To continue being a SAHM when we are under financial pressure?

18 replies

GrandmasRedCar · 13/04/2012 12:54

I am a SAHM to two boys, one is 13 months and the other is nearly three and will start nursery in September. I lost my job when I was 15 weeks pregnant with my youngest; I wasn't well enough during pregnancy to look for another job and it hasn't seemed financially viable to go back to work since.

My mum has helped in the past with childcare when we just had one, but she doesn't want to commit to anything regular as she and my dad travel a lot. Plus I think it would be a lot to ask from her anyway now there's two of them. We don't get tax credits or anything so childcare is a major expense to balance against income, and we would have to keep a second car to enable me to work.

The alternative is to be skint all the time, which we are ok with, just the occasional month where it's hard to cover the basics which is a bit stressful. I feel guilty about this though. I love being at home with the children, but dh doesn't see much of them because of his working hours. My friends make an effort to catch up with us but I don't always feel like I can do likewise because I can't afford to spend money on petrol and I feel like our financial situation really makes friends and family feel guilty.

We would have to totally overhaul our lives to be better off, for now anyway. I don't think it's worth it. I feel we would have to sacrifice a huge amount to actually be better off. I just want to continue to be a SAHM and ride out the storm until our circumstances improve, which they are due to at the end of the year. AIBU?

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 13/04/2012 12:58

If it's ok with both you and your DH, I don't see why you're asking?

Bokkanikkaglory · 13/04/2012 13:01

Have you investigated working options?

Could you work evenings or part weekends? Ok so probably wouldn't be a great earner but may well ease the pressure a bit - you could try it say for a three month period and review it all then. That way you keep your hand in cv wise and it would be easier to springboard to full time employment once the children are at school.

Just a suggestion.

JustHecate · 13/04/2012 13:01

If you and your husband are both happy with things and accept that money is tight because of the decision the two of you have made together to have one of you earning the money and the other one at home, and you both feel that it is still the best choice for your family - then there's no problem.

If the two of you aren't singing from the same hymn sheet, then it's a recipe for disaster, with resentments flying all over the place.

As with all things in a marriage, really

SootySweepandSue · 13/04/2012 13:02

We are completely skint too. Just riding it out till school starts. There is no shame in it. I just tell people staying at home is my luxury.

I used to throw my money about like crazy and at least I feel that I got the opportunity to do that once (for most of my 20s actually).

You need to earn a fortune to take home a lot after childcare if you've no financial assistance. I would find out what that amount is for you and ask exactly what you'd spend the money on and if your time away from DC is worth that.

Original poster

GrandmasRedCar · 13/04/2012 13:08

We're both singing from the same hymn sheet in the sense that we both know the limitations, and we both interpret the situation the same - really because it's not open to much interpretation, it is what it is. But he's one of these "mustn't grumble"ers who says "it's fine " but is evidently frustrated with the situation.

We had the chat last night, me saying I should go back to work, him agreeing, exploring car and childcare costs and re-deciding it's not an option. But I do feel some pressure, perhaps only from myself, to at least endeavour to be a little better off so we are not causing others to worry. And I hate always saying "thanks but we can't come today" to friends and family.

OP posts:

FoxyRevenger · 13/04/2012 13:13

When I decided not to go back to work (they insisted on full time) I just felt a bit guilty and my husband seemed to feel under a lot of pressure suddenly to be the sole provider for the family.

I did 3 shifts in the local pub each week (evenings and weekends) - it only gave me about £60-£70 a week but it was enough for me to do my own things with my daughter during the week - lunches, soft play etc - without relying on the main household finances for absolutely every tiny expense.

Maybe something like that could work for you?

RosieBooBoo · 13/04/2012 13:14

Well if you are both happy with the decision then great, it seems like your only doubting your decision because of family and friends, what are they saying about it?

Original poster

GrandmasRedCar · 13/04/2012 13:38

We just get lots of "maybe you need to get a little nest egg put away?" type comments. Very well meaning, but being self conscious about it I tend to read between the lines. I'd like to get a job part time, but dh works usually Thursday - Monday 11am-10pm so it would be tricky.

OP posts:

YouOldSlag · 13/04/2012 13:56

I'm a SAHM. We're skint. However, when DS2 starts school we will be Ok again. It's worth it. You can't buy the years and moments back and lots of things young children like are free or cheap i.e feeding ducks, nature walks, parks, baking, bus rides etc.

I wouldn't change it for the world, but I am looking forward to being better off in future. Lots of people I know whether they work, are SAHPs or a combination of the two, are all a bit broke for the first few years.

If you're happy being skint but happy, then stick to your choice.

porcamiseria · 13/04/2012 22:08

be happy in your choices, and it wont be forever (skint bit)

TartyMcFarty · 13/04/2012 22:19

After childcare and the costs of running a second car, how much extra a month do you think you could earn if you worked PT?

callmemrs · 13/04/2012 23:49

I don't know why you're asking, as long as you're both happy with the set up. If your dh is feeling that he doesn't get as much time with the kids as he should, because under all the pressure of earning , then you need to talk it through and compromise. But if you're both happy then no problem- though I would ensure you keep your skills up to date as many women assume erroneously that they will slot seamlessly back into the workplace when they choose to

Gentleness · 14/04/2012 00:00

I understand what you mean about being happy with it, knowing it is a sensible choice and still feeling guilty at not bringing any money in. I feel the same way. It is irrational but I am perfectly capable of holding two contradictory opinions at the same time so I defer to dh. He loves me being at home with our kids when I'm enjoying it but finds it hard when I'm having a moany time. It's ok to be a bundle of contradictions as long as you learn to switch off the endless circular thinking and live in the moment a bit. Sorry for the meandering - white wine's fault I'm sure.

Original poster

GrandmasRedCar · 14/04/2012 09:36

Gentleness, I wish wine made me that articulate

OP posts:

Original poster

GrandmasRedCar · 14/04/2012 09:40

TartyMcFarty, if I went back to similar to my old job (which was underpaid being a new company) I would be at a loss just for the childcare.

OP posts:

Gumby · 14/04/2012 09:49

The trouble is when you decide to go back to work it is so hard getting a job

HappyCamel · 14/04/2012 09:58

Could you look at an evening or weekend job? Could you work from home? Maybe buying and selling over the internet or making something and selling it online or to local stores.

YouOldSlag · 14/04/2012 10:04

I make extra money from legitimate home working jobs such as mystery shopping and ebay selling.

The mystery shopping pays around a tenner a time but I can squeeze it in around the children and it's nice to get £50 at the end of the month. It also makes me feel i am contributing as we can use it for a treat/outing and I get to say "this is on me" to DH.

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