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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to want his son to wash?!

60 replies

fluttersbye · 12/04/2012 22:49

My partners son is 18. He stays with me and my partner one, maybe 2 nights a week. When he stays, he literally eats us out of house and home. The other night: 12 cans of coke, 2 packets of bacon, a full loaf of bread and most of the potatoes...gone.
However, this is not the only problem. He smells! It sounds so awful but he really does smell, my sofa and the blanket he uses to sleep on stinks. Every time he stays I have to wash this blanket. The sofa smells because of him, I have actually had someone mention it before.
I feel I can't say anything to him as I am only a few years older than my partners son but I would want to mention it to my partner. But how do I say it without offending him?!
On top of all that, we never have anything left in the house as I said before cos he eats/drinks it all. We have a newborn baby and struggle enough as it is without having to replenish the whole kitchens worth of food whenever he stays over.
I understand that he is a teenage boy. They are a force to be reckoned with. But, I think a little respect would go a long way here and it just seems like he doesn't have any. And also the washing thing.
Like I say, I'm barely 5 years older than him and just dont feel like I can say anything. I dont want to offend his son and I dont want to offend my partner but at the end of the day, I pay the bills and buy the food and clean up after him whenever he comes round so surely I should have a bit of a say...?

OP posts:
Original poster
fluttersbye · 12/04/2012 23:11

How anyone would react I suppose, not very well lol. Which is why I don't think I can do it.
They do get on really well so hopefully it wouldn't create anything bad.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 12/04/2012 23:11

I didn't say the OP would be cooking him big meals? Confused

I said 'Does his Dad cook for him'?

And then suggested some filling meals.

WorraLiberty · 12/04/2012 23:13

flutters Perhaps your partner could say something like "I hope when you're here, you don't feel as though you have to ask to use the shower/bath? Just hop in whenever you want"?

You know, something subtle like that?

AgentZigzag · 12/04/2012 23:13

It's not a conversation I would relish tbh, with anyone.

But it's for his Own Good Grin

Maybe you could just buy him 10 cans of lynx and make a big deal of giving them to him as a surprise present? Sidestep that nasty conversation alltogether? Grin

AgentZigzag · 12/04/2012 23:14

Haha worra, I like that approach Grin

There really is nothing like saying it without saying it.

Original poster
fluttersbye · 12/04/2012 23:16

Worra, that is exactly how I was thinking of approaching it. Like make it so he feels welcome and comfortable.
I've only lived with his Dad for about 6 months and we've just had a baby too so I did wonder if he didn't feel as comfortable as he did when he used to stay at his Dads before we moved in together

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 12/04/2012 23:16

Ziggers it's so much easier to type that...when in reality "Get in the bath you soap dodging git", is probably all that'll work Grin

WorraLiberty · 12/04/2012 23:19

That's a good point flutters

He might feel as though he's tip toeing round both you and the baby at the moment...hence the reason he comes and goes and makes his own food?

I do think a chat with your DP and then a word from his Dad in his shell like is the way to go.

That'll also give him the opportunity to tell his Dad how he feels maybe?

Original poster
fluttersbye · 12/04/2012 23:21

Sounds like a plan. For as bad as I probably make him sound, he is great with the baby and we get on really well.
I do worry that he isn't overly comfortable so maybe a good chat with his Dad will help.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 12/04/2012 23:25

You'll be fine.

You're bothered about him feeling welcome, that's the most important thing Smile

NarkedPuffin · 12/04/2012 23:28

Z bed to save your sofa.

Use the freezer to save your food - if he turns up pop a pack of bacon into it, so it can't be eaten that night. Freezers are technology's answer to teenage munchies. Stick a spare loaf in for toast and keep cheap stuff in that he can snack on if he turns up unannounced outside of mealtimes - supernoodles, cereal etc

The BO talk is down to your DH. Someone needs to tell him, and better his dad than a girl he likes or a teacher/employer.

lunamoon · 12/04/2012 23:29

Definately have a word with your partner about the smell!
I agree about the the bathroom is free now for you to shower/bath in.

Must be difficult. I have a son but I am quite blunt with him about hygiene and so is his dad. Different I know because he is my flesh and blood and he is several years younger than your dps.
Agree about hiding the coke. 12 cans is not good at all!

Original poster
fluttersbye · 12/04/2012 23:33

Narked, thats brilliant. Will definitely be doing that.
And Lunamoon, I have this teenager thing all to come! At least I am getting a taste of it now lol.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 12/04/2012 23:36

Getting him stuff like bottles of (cheap) coke, (cheaper) bacon, the z bed, can all be spun under the guise of making him feel welcome.

Which it is really, because it'll stop you from fretting about the whiff and food bill, and he'll notice you're being accommodating and relax.

Idontknowhowtohelpher · 12/04/2012 23:40

Strangely enough, you might find cutting down on the coke also reduces the body odour - it did for a member of my family.

PooPooInMyToes · 12/04/2012 23:49

I don't understand how he's got any teeth left!

Icelollycraving · 13/04/2012 00:01

Does he work? Perhaps no one has ever said no to him.
Get bread,marmite etc for if he has the munchies. Stick bacon in freezer. Buy squash instead of cans of coke.
As for the smell,give him a fresh towel & some shower gel & decoderant to keep at your place that's what you tell him anyway

IAmBooyhoo · 13/04/2012 00:06

at 18, eating that much, i would expect him to pay for that. that might sound harsh but that isn't normal eating even for a teenage boy, that sounds like greed and i dont think even his father should be footing the bill for that. how much would that add up to? i know he is only there for one night but if he intends to contune eating at that rate then he should be contributing to the weekly shopping. either that or bring his own food.

topshelfrita · 13/04/2012 00:07

Is it possible that he is taking some of the food (like half the loaf and one of the packets of bacon) away with him to eat later/the next day when he's back at his? Sort of half now, half later. is he short of dosh?

AgentZigzag · 13/04/2012 00:10

I know the OP isn't the lads parent Booyhoo, but at 18 I wouldn't have expected to take my own food to eat staying over at my parents house for the night.

Two packs of bacon are what? £5ish? He's not being considerate, but it's hardly eating everything in the house and then some.

IAmBooyhoo · 13/04/2012 00:20

it isn't just two packs of bacon though is it? its 2 packs of bacon, 12!! cans of coke and a loaf of bread in one night. that all adds up. if i intended on drinking 12 cans of coke at my parent's house i would be buying them on the way there. maybe this guy thinks his eating habits are normal so it hasn't occurred to him to chip in a bit but i think OP and her partner would be entitled to ask him to. i wouldn't accept either of my sons eating that much in one night at any age unless they were paying for it themselves or contributing to the weekly shopping.

AgentZigzag · 13/04/2012 00:28

The coke was just him being really rude, coke's a luxury, and he should have thought 'Hmmm, have I had too many?' after the 3rd/5th/10th can. He must have been fucking buzzing after that much Shock Grin

But him being 18 could be a plausible excuse for not knowing people get stuff in for a specified meal. I know it sounds a bit lame, but if you've not been told/noticed, it's just one of those things you've got to learn (which, great, yes he can learn it now, but not if it rocks the boat with his relationship with the OP).

IAmBooyhoo · 13/04/2012 00:34

no, i agree with you about him not realising the food could be/is already ear marked for a meal (or 6!) at 17/18 (still living at home) i never would have thought, "is this cheese needed for tomorrows dinner". still his dad can tell him without it causing any upset. i'm thinking taking his son with him to do the shopping (and talking about what he is buying things for, maybe take a list, so like "we need chicken,bacon, pasta, and cheese for tomorrow's pasta bake" etc etc) asking him if there is anything particular he would like to get in for his own snacking that he knows would be separate from the food that was being used to make meals, and letting him see how much it costs. maybe seeing the cost might make him think a bit about his eating habits, at least the ones he isn't paying for.

IAmBooyhoo · 13/04/2012 00:36

the coke i am shocked with but from around 12/13 my sister would have gone through that amount of coke. my mum was forever giving out about it but she still bought the stuff every week, even when i pointed out that it would be cheaper to buy the same amount in the 2ltr bottles she still bought the cans. i dont know why.

Icelollycraving · 13/04/2012 00:37

That sounds a plan. He can't be all bad if he'll go to the supermarket with his dad at 18!