or is my friend? re rudeness

[Smellyanne]

My friend and I have known each other for 26 years.
We live about half an hours drive away from each other and meet every 6 months or so to catch up.
The other night she called round with her boyfriend and young son to return a highchair she had borrowed for the last two years as they no longer need it.
She arrived just after tea,we chatted for about an hour,had coffee then they left.
I have to admit it was a bit chaotic,my two young children were running round playing with her son and were very giddy to have visitors round but we had what my husband and I thought was a nice evening.
The next day I got a text message from her saying she edidnt want to pick a fight but asking if they had done something to upset us as apparently we never asked after any of her family and we ignored her son....
I was really hurt and surprised to get this message ,mainly as it wasnt true I felt ,we chatted about lots of things including her family.I honestly cant remember who initiated which bits of conversation as I say it was choatic with all three children running round but the children all played nicely together and got along fine..
Is it me or is it a bit rude to send me a text like that? Why couldnt she have rung me to tell me how she felt? I honestly think the whole thing is a bit bizarre if Im honest,the fact that she sat and analyzed the whole conversation like that and then texted about it the next day...

It would have been better if she had called you. Did you reply or call her back? Is she the kind of person to take things to heart. I have a few friends like that. I would call her and see what she says.

she sounds a nut case, get a new friend!

Hmmm. She sounds a bit bonkers and high maintenance. I went to see a friend yesterday; three kids = chaos and jumping about conversation!! I'd go with "not sure how to respond, sorry to hear you felt that. Let's try and meet without the kids soon".

maybe she felt she couldn't talk directly to you about it but wanted to raise the issue. maybe you could pick up the phone and chat to her?

Well she obviously felt slighted and ignored enough to mention it, so I'd take her concerns seriously if I were you. She feels she might have done something to hurt you, you feel absolutely that she hasn't, but you've acknowledge the whole atmosphere was 'chaotic'. All you need to reply is "Goodness no, sorry it was a bit chaotic but of course you haven't upset me. I thought we had a lovely catch up even if it was a bit noisy at times. Really hope to see you again soon, maybe a quiet coffee/lunch for two? Love Smellyanne" I think it can all be smoothed over perfectly easily.

She was rude, it was nice of you to make them coffee when it was obviously a hectic time of day for you.

If she did want to say anything although I can't imagine why she felt the need, it's the sort of comment to drop into conversation next time she met up with you, not to send a text like that out of the blue and make you feel bad!

Is she a bit attention-seeking generally?

my response to texts like these (yes I've had a few) is "call me when your free and we'll chat"

Does seem rude but maybe something else going on she wanted to tell you about but needed a prompt from you to ask.

I had this with a friend I see weekly, sometimes (once a month ish) will ask how others parents are. One coffee/ play meet up she seemed upset, assured me she was alright when asked, then sent a similar text asking why I hadn't asked about her parents as she'd ask about mine. It was because my DS fell and cut himself as I was answering about mine, I never finished and conversation moved on.

Sent the text to call me, she did, I asked how her parents are, she told me her mum had been diagnosed with cancer.

It was not about me it was about her not knowing how to bring it up. That was an extreme case but does show how these things can evolve from 'nothing'.

She does like a bit of drama .Shes always been like that but is also great fun and as I say,we have known each other a long time.
The last time I spoke to her she was talking about her friend who had just had a baby and she was complaning that all she did was talk about the new baby and never asked after her.
I thought that was a bit unkind cos I think most people are guilty of that ..

I've had people asking why I don't like them or if I'm cross with them to my utter surprise.

Sometimes wires get crossed. I always just reassure them and apologise for coming across that way.

I really try not to do it, but she sounds like me when I pick apart what was said and how after talking to someone

She really is overthinking the conversation 'rules' looking for something to criticise.

If you've known her a long time, you must know she's like this? Is it something you can make allowances for and ignore?

If you can ignore it, ring her and tell her lightheartedly not to be so daft, if she doesn't take it in the spirit you mean it in and gets all heavy that's her choice, there's no need for you to justify yourself to her.

Being reassuring about someones insecurities as a friend is different to taking responsibility and apologising for something you haven't done.

I have a friend who does this occasionally. It usually coincides with me getting together with other mutual friends independently of her. I don't think she even realises this is a trigger for her.

I am very careful always to 'do the right thing' around her and it is a little wearing, treading on eggshells. But she is really good company, a great laugh and super supportive so I reckon it's worth it.

Dh's SIL used to send me an email after any meetings or encounters. She would rip me and my children to shreds and would slag off my husband for ignoring her.

We no longer talk and to be honest, if someone has to scrutinize everything I said or how I behaved then they need to look at themselves.

I think it was a strange thing to do. I have, occasionally, been annoyed if one of my parents was ill and a friend who was aware of that didn't bother to ask after them when we met. But at the same time I'm sure I've been guilty of the same thing on occasion. Sometimes you genuinely just do forget to ask after something you should have and only think afterwards 'shit, I never asked her how her mother is doing' or whatever.

However, twenty six years is a long friendship so I would just ring her and explain that it was chaotic and you didn't mean to upset her.

I would say though that I'd never get in contact with the person and say anything about what I thought, I just obsess about it on my own keep it to myself. That is unless I genuinely thought there was something 'wrong' with them to ask if they were alright.

Your SILs behaviour is bizarre Groovee, why the fuck would she do that? It's like she wanted you to know how little she thought of you but didn't dare do it to your face.

Sounds an odd message to send after just one meeting and sounds to me like this is something that has perhaps been building up, for her, over a period of time?

Ask yourself honestly... Do you dominate the conversation, always talk about yourself, never ask about what's going on with her?

Agent the first time it happened I was shocked. Her son had pulled out a handful of my daughter's hair and my dd was screaming and her son had the evidence in his hand but it was all her fault. She refused to tell him off and told me so then emailed to tell me what she thought of me. It then started an email after every meet up or bumping into them and her feeling she ha the right to dress me down and treat me like crap.

She does come off worse in arguments as she can't continue it so email was her way of getting out her feelings but she just caused resentment, hence why dh started ignoring her. 3 years ago was the final straw and I never replied to her email and she didn't get what was wrong.

Its uncomfortable but she struggles more than me as she has no friends.

It does sound weird, but I agree with the poster who suggested smoothing it over with a nice text back just acknowledging what she said and expressing your surprise that she felt hurt. Then ask how her family is (god, do you really care? I don't think I ever ask how people's families are, it's enough to catch up with them!) if that's the etiquette in your friendship.

It's amazing but a nice text or phonecall can so make everything better. She is likely to feel fine again once she's read it and possibly a bit silly for making a fuss.

If instead she ramps it up, then you may need to rethink the value of her friendship as you can't be worrying about trying to read her mind when you're busy with the kids etc.