someone reassure me that this isn't all my fault

[Whoneedssleepanyway]

About a year ago the dentist noticed that DD1 (5) had some decay on her back two molars, DD wouldn't really let him do much to this so her put a bit of paste over the top and referred her to the children's paediatric dentist unit. Something went wrong with the referral and we never got an appointment. I kept meaning to chase it up but other things kept getting in the way and when we went back to the dentist about 10 months later he re-referred us. Anyway he also mentioned when her rereffered us that we could try a specialist local children's dentist. We went there this week and DD had inhalation sedation so that they could try and fill the tooth. She was a star they had to drill it out and everything and put temporary filling in BUT they said the decay is too deep (near the nerve on one tooth) and she needs to go into hospital for a tooth extraction of at least one of the teeth under general anaesthetic

I am mortified and can't believe it has come to this for poor DD, she is only 5. I totally realise it is my fault for not chasing up the appointment and if we had caught this earlier this would have been avoided and feel terrible about this. But I still just don't understand why she has such badly decaying teeth (the dentist this week said there is decay on an upper molar on the same side). I genuinely don't think she has more sugar than the next child. I was very careful PFB until she was 2 and she only had water, no sweets etc, unfortunately at 2 she started refusing water, and I foolishly let her have well diluted squash. She does have biscuits and chocolate but not all the time. Pudding is fruit or yoghurt unless it is Sunday lunch when we may have proper pudding. I know this is a wake up call and I don't want the same to happen to DD2, so I have now said it is water or milk at home and juice/ squash is a treat if they go to a party or we go out. But I don't really know what else I should do. We have always brushed her teeth and she has always loved milk and drunk loads of the stuff but this doesn't seem to have made her teeth any stronger.

Why has this happened?

It is not your fault. I had loads and loads of treatment as a child and my siblings had very little, yet I was always brushing etc. Some people just have weaker teeth I guess.

Don't beat yourself up, its one of those things.

my DS had really bad decay and needed an extraction

He was born with some sort of weakness in the enamel and then two loads of v strong antibiotics as a baby exacerbated things

I still felt guilty

Because some children's teeth are more open to decay than others.

Don't beat yourself up about it. It's not the end of the world.

Petit filous yogurts can speed up tooth decay.

My DS is aged 7 and has 5 fillings. One of them did not reach all the decay so we are waiting for it to fall out naturally (milk tooth) or to form an abscess at which point it will be extracted. I cried in the dentist's surgery when I was told that.

I also am so upset about his teeth, and while he does eat sugary things, it is very limited and he brushes twice a day and has been seeing a dentist since he was very young to ensure that it was a normal part of life and not a scary trip for him when he was older.

So, try not to beat yourself up. If we have kids with rotting teeth we are made to feel like shit parents. It is not always our "fault". I also believe that some people have strong teeth and others not. My son does not. At least he will not be terrified of the dentist like DH is!

Try not to beat yourself up too much about it.

There was probably some inherent weakness in the teeth rather than anything you did or didn't do.

My DS2 has missing enamel on two of his back molars which dentist said could have been caused by illness such as virus when he was a baby.

If they are her baby teeth, they will fall out by the time she's in her teens and hopefully stronger ones will replace them.

I was brought up virtually the same as my mum's friend's daughter - she had fillings in her baby teeth, I had my first aged 28. A lot of it must be genetic :)

Thanks everyone, whilst not glad for anyone's DC to have teeth problems it is reassuring to know that it isn't just me.

It is weird as the decay is all localised to one area (two bottom and one top) the dentist said if she had a really dreadful sugary diet you would expect to see signs of decay widespread which there isn't so guess that is reassuring.

They are baby teeth so will fall out eventually thank goodness

Some children are just unlucky with their teeth. I have 1 dd who has had some decay and needed fillings, and the other two have completely perfect teeth. They all have the same diet and tooth brushing regime.

Ds2 needed a tooth taken out last year due to an absess that even though they treated it for months, caused a hole that just kept getting worse. Tbh I wish they'd taken it out sooner.

Ds1 is 17 and hasnt had any problems with his teeth. Sometimes these things happen. Speak to the dentist to see if there is anything they recommend but stop beating yourself up.

My friends little boy had the worst front baby teeth I'd ever seen from about the age of two, all his others where lovely and white. Dentist told friend it was to do with her being ill when pregnant at the time teeth where forming! The baby teeth fell out and he has lovely strong second teeth so maybe the dentist was right.

My ds has a problem with his back teeth: they have deep fissures which means food gets stuck in them easily. Most people with deep fissures can dislodge the food with their tongue but unfortunately my ds has a tongue tie so cannot do this.

As a result all of his molars are starting to look discoloured and one top one has the beginning of a hole. He cleans them twice a day, and and if we can see food in there when he speaks/ laughs we make him go and clean them again, but it's really hard for him to do this by himself/ at school/ at a friends.

He's only 6 and hasn't lost any baby teeth yet but the dentist has hopes that when his adult teeth come in they won't have this problem. We will just have to wait and see.

It's not your fault....my DD is 7 and has had two fillings and we are nuts about tooth cleaning and not eating a lot of sugar. She barely has sweets and never juice or pop....she has a lot of fruit and the dentist feels she's just unlucky with her enamel. Get her a child's electric toothbrush and teach her how to floss....we use the floss which comes on a little stick thing...much easier.

Make sure you are brushing properly and for two minuites.

Check up avery 6 months

You cannot undo the damage but you can stop further damage.

How does your daughter drink? I know it sounds silly but some people just swallow, others swill drink around the mouth - and that means the teeth are washed in the drink for longer.

Remember that some fruit / fruit juices are as bad for teeth as cola.

Assuming these are baby teeth you have a second chance with the adult teeth, but you need to start now.

Dd always one tooth with a weakness in the enamel which was filled twice by the dentist. She brushes well twice a day and prefers savoury food to sweet. Unfortunately last year she developed an abscess in this tooth, had ABs which didn't work and the dentist then extracted it. She is 11 but it was a baby tooth luckily - all her other teeth are fine (wonky but healthy!).

Ds 2 on the other hand has to be bullied coaxed into brushing his teeth and his are all perfect! Despite his largely sweet appetite...

Don't be too hard on yourself, it isn't the end of the world

I feel for you.

My DD aged 5 needed FOUR teeth removed according to the heartless paediatric dentist at Guys. (I had been taking her for weeks to my local dentist complaining of pain but he couldn't diagnose anything). This paediatric dentist also told me DD might have gangrene of the jaw. I was mortified as the heartless dentist at Guys refused point blank to believe me that DD never had sweets, never had fizzy drinks and was encouraged to brush her teeth. She treated me like a half wit who did not understand the whole concept of tooth decay and diet. Actually, I have a degree in physiology. I spent all weekend terrified about gangrene such that I paid a fortune to consult a top private dentist from the Eastman Dental Institute (top place in country) who told me it was nonsense. When I went back to NHS specialist at Guys and challenged her on that, she said she had been using the word "gangrene" colloquially and not in a medical sense. She then refused to treat DD any more because we had had the temerity to get a second opinion from a private dentist. She also admitted that she had not mentioned the possibility of caps as she knew (!) that only one person in the country could do that and had no idea we could afford it.

Anyway, long story cut short, we paid over five thousand pounds for private steel caps that (amazingly) never bothered DD and she is now a teen with beautiful perfect teeth. From what I have read since, I think a lot comes down to the exact flora that colonise your mouth when you are a young baby.

It is dreadful at the time, one inevitably feels guilty but remember it is only teeth, and also that the second teeth might be much stronger.

Gosh, good luck.

I saw a documentary on this - it is very common, you are not alone.

They did say that it wasn't always sweets that were the cause. in many cases ketchup was cited.

I'm sure it isn't your fault, some people are just more prone to tooth decay than others.

I am 28 and have never had a filling or any other dental work, and I eat shitloads of sugar and drink fizzy drinks every day.

My poor sister is a few years younger than me, doesn't drink fizzy drinks and has a much healthier diet. She has had loads of fillings and a couple of extractions .

I wouldn't beat yourself up about it.

I'd be more inclined to give mine very weak squash than pudding.

Only because no-one actually needs another meal after a meal (except perhaps as a Sunday tread) and most importantly because my DS2 drinks less than a cactus so I'm always looking for ways to get him to drink more.

You'll get a second chance with her adult teeth so don't be too hard on yourself. No-one knows why some teeth are stronger than others.

*treat...not tread!

I know a couple of kids who've had dental problems and their diets are good and their parents as concientious as I would be, in one instance the child's teeth were terrible but it was due to large dose antibiotics taken in pregnancy (apologies if this is a huge misnomer - its just how it was explained to me by the parent). I am sure there is an element of luck and genetics although of course it is a reminder to be on top of dental hygiene.

I think there is a lot more sugar than we realise in day to day products - shreddies are 25% sugar just on their own, that's the normal "plain" ones! If you've had Heinz Tomato Soup recently you may have noticed that's much sweeter than it used to be.

My eldest has weak enamel. He is 6 as yet no fillings but he is closely monitored. The first time the dentist spotted it she asked if I had medication during pregnancy. I did due to kidney problems.

Apparently that can cause it. Some anti-biotics apparently cause impacted enamel.

My younger child is going to have a tough time then as I was really struggling when pregnant with him and spent most of my pregnancy on meds.

Don't beat yourself up about it. Just do all you can for future teeth.

Not your fault, OP, can be genetic. My Dad has good, strong, teeth and nails. My Mum has weak teeth and nails. Raised on the same diet, with the same dental care and brushing habits, my sister has great teeth and nails with few problems, but I take after my Mum and have a mouth full of fillings. Just the way it is!