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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think he isn't really helping her at all

24 replies

okiol · 11/04/2012 18:50

My sister dropped out of university in February (she was in her second year) and is now planning to go another one in September. Since dropping out she has moved in with my brother who is paying for everything and has said that he'll keep on doing this until she goes so she doesn't have to look for a job. My sister has been just at his house living off him and socialising with her friends etc. Most of my family think he is being wonderful to be looking after his sister (he's only 19 himself) etc but I think that he is just allowing her to be lazy and drift as well as creating a potential gap on her CV. AIBU?

OP posts:

HugeFurryWishingStool · 11/04/2012 18:55

Meh, as long as she goes back to studying in September, what's the problem?

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/04/2012 19:12

He's a mug, he'll learn.

gnesher · 11/04/2012 19:13

YANBU by living off her brother she is not growing up and taking responsibility for herself. Why is your brother doing it as although most familys will help each other out, I can't think of many 19yos who would be happy to "keep" their sister without her doing anything.

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/04/2012 19:13

Actually, thinking aloud... is he straight and single? Because her friends socialising at his place might be the motivation.

Original poster

okiol · 11/04/2012 19:19

Gnesher- He's doing it because he thinks he is helping her

MrsTerryPratchett- He is single and straight

OP posts:

FeakAndWeeble · 11/04/2012 19:29

No one is going to care about a gap in a CV where she left one Uni to begin a course at another. I dropped out of uni at 18 and there was a 2 year gap before I went back and got my degree. I did work in the meantime but I've never included those shitty horrible jobs in my CV because they aren't relevant to anything I've wanted to apply for since graduating.

To be honest I'd say that this is none of your business. You're not being asked to financially support your sister and she isn't living with you.

paticker · 11/04/2012 22:11

YANBU she does sound to be freeloading but its up to your brother at the end of the day

rekite · 11/04/2012 23:45

YANBU and it seems to a very strange thing for him to do, why would he be happy for his sister to leech off him for 6 months, there could well be more to this

AgentZigzag · 12/04/2012 00:57

I have a totally shitty...well, non existent...relationship with my brother, and the thought of him actually caring for me in any way would be laughable.

Whatever the reason he's doing it, I think it's nice.

It's also nice that you care how this might affect your brother and sister long term as well

Your sister's a very lucky person.

AgentZigzag · 12/04/2012 00:58

'Whatever the reason he's doing it, I think it's nice.'

I meant this about your brother, not mine

MrsKittyFane · 12/04/2012 07:33

I agree that his sister's friends might be the motivation.
In which case they are both using each other.

Mama1980 · 12/04/2012 07:43

I also think this is lovely, there maybe dual
Motivation ie friends but still lovely. I did this for my brother and we are still very close I just wanted to give him a break and a chance to relax he found his initlal time away from home very stressful and he really appreciated it. He also helped around the house and cooked which was awesome.

skybluepearl · 12/04/2012 07:54

could she do some meaningful voluntary work?

LittleEsmeWeatherwax · 12/04/2012 07:54

AgenZigZag ditto to all you said.

Although sometimes I'm a bit that he doesn't give two hoots about me. You?

AgentZigzag · 12/04/2012 11:30

Not. At. All. Esme

I can do without such a selfish, petty, spiteful little man in my life, some of my family weren't very happy with me taking control and staying away from him, but who I have contact with is my decision and not theirs.

My brother's always been the same, so I didn't have any sentimental feelings of a good relationship in the past hampering what I did.

I haven't seen him for five years now

Do you see yours at all?

fedupofnamechanging · 12/04/2012 11:48

I think it's nice that he's helping her - we are talking about a few months here, not years of her not working and being supported by your brother. Perhaps, in the future, she will be the one providing help and support for him.

It's what families are about, imo.

maggio · 12/04/2012 15:11

Its only a few months and it sounds nice, it will give them the chance for extra bonding and you never know he might need her in the future.

Kayano · 12/04/2012 16:11

My mum did it for me when I dropped out of uni after 2nd year. I went to a different one in the September and got my degree in a subject I actually liked

CrockoDuck · 12/04/2012 16:14

I think it's rather nice, actually. If she's off to uni in September, then this is only temporary, and they both know that. Perhaps she'll be there one day to return the favour when he needs help.

As someone else said, it's what families are all about, surely?

BusinessTrills · 12/04/2012 16:29

It's nice that he wants to help her.

But she should try to do something with her time.

AgentZigzag · 12/04/2012 16:37

At 21, the OPs sister is old enough to decide for herself what she wants to do with her time BT.

Dropping out of university couldn't have been an easy choice, and she must have been unhappy to make that decision, it's good she's got thinking time to look around for something she wants to do.

gnesher · 12/04/2012 18:37

Whilst she is old enough to decide what to do with her time, I don't think that allwoing to do absolutely nothing is helpful to her.

gargent · 12/04/2012 22:19

I think its lovely and I'm sure she'll be helping him around the house and cooking etc.

LittleEsmeWeatherwax · 13/04/2012 15:22

Sorry Zigzag, only now seeing this.

Nah, not seen him for 3 years now and before then it was v v sporadic.

He made my younger years a complete misery and we've had to walk on eggshells around him as not to offend or disagree with his ideals

After a particularly nasty comment from him, I've decided he can go jump. Until he decides to apologise (hell would freeze first though, so this is a tactical diversion that I've used ), then I won't be rushing in.

I occasionally feel a little pang though, when friends and their older brothers get on, but it's just the idea of an older caring brother that I miss, not him.

Flip