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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

If I look after one friend's child but not another friend's child in the hols?

12 replies

NotAChildminder · 11/04/2012 16:04

Amongst my group of school Mum friends who have DDs who are friends with mine. One works F/T and one works P/T.

P/T worker lives next door and DD plays with her DD often. Her DD is an only and quite hard work (ill-mannered, demanding, bossy, disrespectful of property etc), but ok in small doses. I pick her up from school 3 times a week and bring her home by which time her Mum is usually home from work - saves her Mum £18 pw in after school club fees, and I am happy to help out.

F/T worker is DDs best friend's Mum. Her DD is a very easy child to have around, and if DD wants to see her in the holidays then the only way for this to happen is for her to come here for the day - means DD has someone to play with and saves the Mum in holiday club fees.

So neighbour noticed that other child was here today and sent a text to the effect of "Ooh I shall have to book my DD in with you for next hols, save me a fortune lol!"

So am I being unfair if I say no to neighbour, and if so how can I do so diplomatically? I feel a bit guilty as they often take DD with them if they go out for lunch etc as it is company for their DD, but they say that is because it makes life easier as my DD is a calming influence on their DD and polite and well behaved so makes the experience more enjoyable for them.

OP posts:
McPopcornMouseNFries · 11/04/2012 16:05

I'd just make light of the situation, "ho ho ho, I couldn't cope with 3 kids, 2's more than enough!" or whatever. YANBU.

toobreathless · 11/04/2012 16:08

Very cheeky of her sending that text.

You sound lovely & are already doing them a huge favour bringing her DD home three times a week. I would be inclined to ignore her text. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

alphabite · 11/04/2012 16:11

'I'd just make light of the situation, "ho ho ho, I couldn't cope with 3 kids, 2's more than enough!" or whatever. YANBU'

I agree with this.

NotAChildminder · 11/04/2012 16:32

Thanks, I think I will try the text that McPopcorn has suggested.

I like her, she's a neighbour, she's kind to DD and includes her in lots of things, DD plays with her DD when it suits them ... but ... I don't want to get lumbered with refereeing fights between DD and her DD all day, whereas the other friends child has just left and other than taking them to the cinema for a couple of hours this morning and furnishing them with lunch and snacks I have barely heard a peep out of them.

OP posts:
RattyPatty · 11/04/2012 16:47

What popcorn said.

Cheeky mare Hmm

Collision · 11/04/2012 16:48

Agree with Popcorn too.

Gumby · 11/04/2012 16:48

Just say 'oh but I charge the same as holiday club'

Babylon1 · 11/04/2012 16:51

YANBU at all - as your name suggests, you're not a childminder right?

Would she be expecting you to child mind her DD through the hols without paying you? Do you get paid for collecting her DD 3 days a week??

Definitely NBU IMHO. I think she's being quite cheeky to even suggest it, as if you'd wanted to, you'd have offered. In an emergency situation then it's different, but just because she lives next door, that's not enough - and if she doesn't get on great with your child, then again definitely not.

The biggest thing to consider here as well is that this lady is your neighbour, so if you were to fall out over child care arrangements or something that happened between your DDs - you can't get away from it.

Just as an example, when my DD1 started school, I made friends with another mum on the playground - thought she was lovely and we regularly shared a coffee etc after the school run. Our DDs played together, but after a while, I noticed my DD saying things which didn't make me altogether happy about their friendship; ie other DD was mean to my DD and oftened pinched her or pushed her etc. Anyhow, we encouraged our DD to make sure she'd got other friends to play with too, carried on talking to other mum and sharing a coffee etc, but then it appeared that her DD had been saying things about my DD etc. I was very open and said " you know what, they fall out a million times a day, but it doesn't mean we have to!! If we fall out over them falling out, we'll be the ones that look daft...."

She agreed and that was that, we carried on having coffees, and then one day I turned up at school and she blanked me completely. Then she started telling other parents how awful my DD was etc. Very very sad, but from then to now we have never spoken again. She moved out of our village a few weeks ago with DD and DD left the school. Very sad, but she obviously wasn't as nice as I thought she was. Still a shame to fall out with her though.

My BFF has a DD a year older than mine - at the same school etc. They get on great but also have their spats. Me and BFF just accept that they do not get on all the time, and there is an age difference, and that's fine. Both girls feel comfy enough in each others houses to just veg on the sofa if that's what they want, they know they don't have to be in each other's pockets just cos mummies are yaddereing to each other again!!!

YANBU - your house, you choose who comes to play!!!

5Foot5 · 11/04/2012 16:59

"Her DD is an only and quite hard work (ill-mannered, demanding, bossy, disrespectful of property etc), "

YAB a bit U for implying in your OP that this child is difficult because she is an only. Maybe my view is influenced by the fact that my DD is an only too. But IME some onlies can be lovely, well-mannered and easy to get on with while some with siblings can be attention seeking little brats - and vice versa of course Smile

NotAChildminder · 11/04/2012 17:49

5foot - no did not mean to imply that only = difficult - am an only myself Grin - however in this case the parents world does seem to revolve around her and not having a sib means that DD has become a surrogate sib, so does benefit from the friendship - eg is taken out by the family a fair bit.

Babylon - no I am not a CM and no I do not get paid - I do it as I am going to the same school at the same time and returning to the same street at the same time and the Mum was paying out a substantial amount to pay for childcare til 6pm when she only needed half an hour to get back from work iyswim.

I certainly would not wish to fall out with my neighbour which is why I wanted to see if IWBU and get some suggestions as to how to handle the situation delicately. I hope she would not fall out with me - I don't think that she will on the basis that it will cost her dearly in childcare during the school week Grin

OP posts:
Dropdeadfred · 11/04/2012 17:54

I would just say - ' oh no - I'm not a childminder, just had * round to play'

RedHelenB · 11/04/2012 18:29

Agree with dropdead - she may have just been trying to be friendly rather than hinting for you to have her dd too.

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