Would I be unreasonable to ask people to cut back on presents for DD? How could we do it politely?

[DueinSeptember]

Some people in our family are very generous with presents towards our DD. It's all getting a bit out of hand now though I feel.

For example, at Easter she not only had Easter eggs, but lots of bigger presents, similar to what is appropriate at birthdays.

At Christmas she had lots of expensive stuff off family members (it's sort of gone up a notch recently and out of kilter with what we've spent in the past on them). It's getting a bit embarrassing as I don't want to get into a competition but don't want to take without giving the equivelent either.

It's nice that people are so generous but she does have plenty of toys and clothes and we're running out of space for them. Plus we are having another baby later in the year so scared this is only going to get worse.

How do we nip this in the bud now, without seeming ungrateful?

Maybe ask for or suggest specific small things? Amazon giftlist? If family members want to contribute why not start a trustfund?

You are very lucky indeed though, so remember that too.

I don't think you're being or will seem ungrateful at all. Perhaps just phrase it in a way that makes everyone sound as generous as they've been. Eg DD has so many loving generous people in her life and although we appreciate everything that's been done for her we don't want to feel there is any pressure to outdo last years gift or spend money that in these financial times we appreciate not every has access too.

Some people can be insistent though and it is their money to do as they wish, if this is the case why not suggest a day out somewhere nice with that relative? A nice day out is a lovely memory and doesn't take up any space and shows appreciation in you giving yours and DD's time.

Maybe it'll split in half once the new baby comes? I had to ask DPs Mum to stick to just one present at christmas as they were buying a million. If you are clear with your budget on what you can afford for others then it isn't your fault if their budget is bigger than yours. Maybe just mention that with another baby coming and only so much space it would be helpful if family clubbed together and got one present instead of lots of expensive things. Make sure you only give her one present too otherwise you'll end up needing a new house for toys!!

I don't think YABU - I know lots of people will say, lucky DD, don't get wound up about it, but I actually think this can be a big issue with kids getting a bit spoilt, expectations then about gifts from the parents, etc etc.

I think the trust fund idea is a brilliant one - and much better for her (and your newborn) in the long run.

I feel your pain DueInSeptember.
I am rubbish at getting rid of stuff the children have been given, so decluttering is very difficult.

As they get older (my oldest is 6) we have been gently encouraging people to take dcs out for treats rather than buy them stuff - we have 3 so having an adult who will spend time with them individually and enable them to do something they can't normally do because of siblings is very precious (eg dd got taken to a posh cafe for afternoon tea). Plastic crap gets broken and clothes get grown out of, but memories of time spent together lasts forever (and the bottom line is, they are lucky to have Grannie because she is nice and loves them, not because she buys them stuff!). This is something you can say to relatives without them feeling affronted.

The other thing we have found is that it works well to ask people for things which become part of a collection rather than being a whole new toy in its own right, eg Lego or Sylvanians. Also, books, CDs and DVDs don't take up much space, and people really do enjoy choosing them.

YANBU at all! I feel exactly the same. My DPs and Dsis have a particular financial amount that they spend on everyone at birthdays and Christmas and despite me trying on several occasions to say DD/S would just like X, they feel the need to make it up to the amount with other things. Then we get the presents from our friends, neighbours etc etc. I actually dread Christmas in particular as we end up with so much new stuff to find homes for.

The day out idea is really nice, but my DPs are not really able to manage DS for any length of time as he is such a boisterous 3 year old and they are not so young ......

I don't think YABU either, there is a point where gifts really are too much, and in some cases the excessiveness borders on passive agressive.

I've "had it out" with people in the past, some are relieved and completely on board with scaling things down, others ignore and even step it up a notch (the PA ones)

Now I just never ever worry about "matching" gifts. If someone gives us 5 expensive presents and I give them one cheap one.. oh well! I hope they like theirs (I think our gifts are always thoughtful even if they're cheap!), And I have no guilt about charity shop/car booting if they are just physically too much (like 4 pairs of PJs in one size! )

p.s. where I've suggested outings/swimming passes etc INSTEAD of presents for DS, I've just been given them PLUS the usual excessive wrapped gifts, so IMO that's not the way to go as it makes it a bit worse

We have recently started asking people to club together to get bigger things that we can't afford ourselves so the kids have had between them a big wooden sandpit, wooden activity centre for garden, toy story Lego train, etc

Alternatively ask for annual passes to local attractions, or to pay for kids ballet lasses etc???

YANBU - I've tried to say this to my kind family members as we get so overwhelmed. Some take the point better than others though...

jojane we asked for all those things and got them WITH the same amt of wrapped stuff as before so you have to be careful. we did specify that it was INSTEAD but then got told that they felt mean not giving DS something to unwrap, so it just made us feel grabby because while we felt we were asking for LESS, on their side we were asking for MORE as it became additional

Have a chat, you'll quickly find out if they feel the same or if they'll never get it, if they're never gonna get it - forget about trying to match and get a carboot box going and spend that money on the outings

Thanks so much for all your replies!