to think my sister should let me know if she's coming to my wedding or not?

[ilovechips]

Ok first post on MN, apologies if long/dull, but don't want to drip feed or miss any relevant info! Just wanted an outside opinion on this....

I am getting married in 2 weeks - not a big ceremony, approx 20 close family and friends at our local register office, followed by a meal at a restaurant, then drinks back at our house. Initially we wanted to just do it by ourselves with a couple of witnesses, however chickened out, as it was clear some close family might be hurt or offended if we did that. Both mine and my partner's family all live at different locations around the UK, anything from 150-300 miles from us.

Anyway, we discussed the date with everyone 6 months ago, then sent out actual invites approximately 2 months ago, and have had word back from everyone apart from my sister. We always had a close relationship, our parents have both been dead for more than ten years now, and along with my brother she is the closest family I have. She lives in a very rural area, and over the years has become something of a recluse. She hasn't visited my brother (150 miles from her) since 1986, and the last time she came to see me (250 miles from her) was 2004 - however, we have always continued to visit her approx twice/three times a year or more, as she has made it clear that visits are still expected. (She is 47, in good health, with a car and a driving licence btw!).

She lives with her partner on a farm, and I absolutely, fully appreciate that farming is a 24/7 job and very difficult to take time off from (although they have done recently). I would not think it was unreasonable if she just said she couldn't come because of the farm, but my problem is she won't answer me one way or the other! I have explained that I need an answer as I have to confirm food numbers for the meal afterwards, but all I am getting is non-committal responses.

It's clear she doesn't really want to come, I accept that, but AIBU to at least expect an outright "no"?! It's only 2 weeks away now! She says she might still come but doesn't know - I said honestly don't feel you have to but she still won't say no...

Sorry for the rambling, feel free to ignore, I am pregnant so possibly just hormonal and blowing things out of proportion!

If I were you, I'd just tell her I was taking it as a "no" for the purposes of confirming the numbers, but make it clear she could change her mind at any time. Does she get anxious at the thought of leaving the farm? I imagine she's torn between that and genuinely wanting to come to your wedding (or she would simply have said no by now). So I'd confirm numbers assuming she's not coming, but leave the door open in case she changes her mind.

Send her an email saying that you understand she can't come and you're sorry she'll miss it.

If you don't make the decision for her she'll turn up on the day expecting to be fed when you haven't arranged a place for her, or she'll drop out at the last second making you stress on the day.

I'd just drop her an email, or communicate however you normally do, to say I've assumed you won't be coming but if you change your mind, let me know so I can alter the numbers for the meal, and you know we'd be thrilled to have you there.

Hope you have a lovely day!

I think you're being too nice.Why can't you pick up the phone and explain everything you've said on this post(which is all reasonable on your part btw) and ask her for a yes or no answer there and then.
Do you think her OH might have said he won't/can't go and she feels torn?
If she has to end up going on her own will there be a familiar face/friend that she can sit with?

Hi, thanks for the responses!

We were talking via text last night, she just won't commit either way, despite me saying I need numbers for the meal. She said she will come if they can get help on the farm to cover her partner (they had help a couple of months ago, so they have done it before) but she's evasive about whether they've actually asked anyone to help! Is adamant she won't come on her own - which is where we differ I guess, if my partner absolutely couldn't come to her wedding, I would go alone (as in fact I have done in the past when my ex wouldn't come with me to various occasions).

Yes there would be friendly faces - our brother and his wife, and their two grown up children, plus an old friend of mine that she has met before (years ago admittedly, but they got on well).

My gut feeling is she doesn't want to come, which is fair enough, but just doesn't want to say it like that and thinks it will look better to have a last minute drama about being unable to leave the farm, whereas I'd be much less irritated by a flat out "no" to start with tbh!

Yanbu

Yanbu. I think I'd go with a previous poster and send an email saying it's a shame she won't be able to attend and then you can relax from your end. It looks as if she will string it out into a drama right up to the day if she is left to her own devices.

I think I'd just text or e-mail and say that you have to confirm the numbers by n date and if she hasn't confirmed one way or the other by then, you will have to accept that she isn't coming.

Sounds a bit sad but nevertheless I think she is being incredibly rude.

I'd be pretty pissed off if I was you. No need for her humming and hawing when a straight answer would do.

You say you don't have many close living relatives, can she not make the effort to go to her own sister's wedding? Pah.

YANBU, obviously. Tell her you need to know by midday tomorrow or you will assume shes not coming.

What is the last date you can give catering numbers?

If she changes her mind after that she won't get fed anyway, so at some point you would have to tell her you need a definate or there won't be food or a place for her. I'd just do it sooner.

last date for catering is Friday this week, we have to pay deposit and give numbers at that point. I don't know if I can be bothered to ask her yet again, it seems pointless and also sounds desperate when actually we're getting to the stage of thinking we don't want her there anyway if it's such a drama and she thinks she's doing us a favour, so am inclined to go with advice given on here. Thanks! :)

Is there any chance that she or her partner could be ill?

My Aunt carried on like this for ages before a big wedding. It later transpired that she was really unwell, and although she wanted to come, the family had no idea whether they'd be able to.

My Aunt had sworn her husband to secrecy, and didn't want her (terminal) illness to cast a shadow over the wedding. They made lots of strange seeming decisions around that time, it was obvious that they'd been dealing with it alone for ages (they were a reserved sort of family, so it wasn't just the wedding that stopped them telling anyone).

But more probably, it's just that your sister would rather not travel .

i don't think so no, we last visited her around Christmas and all was well, i asked her face to face then about coming to the wedding and she was just as evasive even then! I'd perhaps be more concerned and inclined to think there was something wrong if this was a one-off, or out of character etc but it's not really...

Personally I would not mention it to her again and just assume a No.
On the day, if she were to turn up, a) someone else might be ill and there would be a space, or b) most venues will squash just one more in, and charge you afterwards. I really would not stress about it any more, just enjoy the rest of the preparations and say no more about it to her.

just thought i'd update. As predicted, with a few days to go, tonight I have received a text message from my sister, explaining that she has too much on to attend the wedding. So no surprise there!

a text? -that's really shit. she's the one losing out.

try and put her out of your mind and relax your way into an AMAzing celebration and new chapter xx

even if she couldn't talk to you for whatever social phobia or whatever reason she could've sent a letter or some flowers or something a bit more thoughtful. oh well there's nowt so queer as sisters.

What a shame she has decided not to come! Can you text back and say you are deeply disappointed that she will miss your wedding and that you had really wanted her to be there with or without her hubby.

Maybe she's got some sort of phobia there, didn't want to let you down, but realises she may find it too difficult to leave the farm, hence taking ages to give you a straight reply. Maybe she could watch it on Skype or something. Our relatives in new Zealand did this.

Well, I sent a reply saying it's her decision and hopefully we'll see each other in the summer (long standing family gathering, arranged some 3 years ago for July this year).

This is the response I got "not going, we can't just mince off 4 the wkend, it aint like gettin time off work".

I've not replied and don't intend to. Presumably she's just expected me to do all the visiting all these years then, as it's so easy for me to get time off work. So that's that then I suppose! Don't think I'll be visiting for some time...

ilovechips, it's clear to me that she isn't interested for whatever reason, so you are right to waste no more time chasing your sister for her decision. Continue with your plans and arrangements happily, there was no more you could have done. YANBU, it is her loss not yours.

What a very cheeky response. Her decision to live and work on a farm is her choice From her comment you'd think it was something outside her control. She's chosen that lifestyle, huh what does she expect? That the Mountain should come to Mohammed all the time!?

I hope her farm keeps her company in her old age after the way she has alienated her family with her Diva behaviour.

another update, if anyone wants to know! We had an absolutely fantastic day, 2 weeks ago now, lovely intimate ceremony with close family and friends as planned, followed by some great food and a small party back at home - couldn't have asked for anything more, it really was perfect! Even the sun shone!

My sister text on the morning of the wedding to say "have a nice day", other than that didn't hear anything, and to be honest I didn't give her absence much more thought. She has never asked how the day went, or to see any pictures.

A few days after the wedding, I got a text saying she has got engaged (not unexpected, had mentioned before that they were getting engaged), and sent me a photograph of her ring, inviting comment. I congratulated her, said nice things about the ring, and sent a card. She also sent a message to my brother/SIL (who haven't met her fiance) saying that if they want to meet him they can visit her if they like. Bearing in mind the last time they asked to visit her she said no as she was decorating, she hasn't visited them since approx 1986, and hasn't acknowledged repeated invitations from them to visit, including 2 weddings and a 50th birthday celebration - they are not going to go and see her.

I guess I don't really know why I'm posting, I'm just really puzzled and hurt by her complete disinterest in anyone else, yet her obvious continued expectation of interest in her life!

I remember your thread and it is very sad. YANBU to want her to care. My FIL is like this, ruined Christmas. My favourite comment on Christmas, as I juggled cooking for 14, was "I'm relaxing and drinking my tea" when I asked if he could go for the planned walk on time so that I didn't burn everything and make everyone's dinner late. I had been up since 5am, had 6 mo to look after and was cooking in my pyjamas. I bathed and dressed during the starter. Then he refused to sit down to dinner. Arse.

To make myself feel better, i have self diagnosed him with Narcissistic personality disorder. I now it's not scientific but I can just think, oh well, he can't help it.

Hello chips! Just wanted to say congratulations!!