To not want to speak with sister?

[Babylon1]

My sister has just phoned me out of the blue. We haven't spoken since august last year when she ruined my dd2s 2nd birthday party.

She basically had a tantrum, shouted at lots of people then tried to run my mum over on her own drive :(

We didn't row about it at the time, but it was the last straw after a very long line of incidents over the last 7 years or so.

I have posted about this on other threads so apologies if this is repetitive for some!!!

The action I did take last August was to block her from my Facebook and that was it, I didn't call her text her or try to initiate any discussion about what had happened simply because it was the final straw.

There's a lot of history of her jealousy because my brother and I have a different biological father to her, though hr adopted her when she was 6 and he married our mum. He's never treated her or any of her 4 kids differently to mine or to me and my brother.

She didn't know I was pregnant until quite recently, and when she found out, she went mental - not at me, but at mum and dad - had a massive rant about how they're not bothered about her and her kids when I keep point out biological grandkids........

She still has no idea that my brother and his wife are expecting their first baby in august this year, like me my brother doesn't have anything to do with her since last year as he just found her behaviour completely unreasonable....

So this morning she's phoned me. Normally I would have checked the caller display but sun was shining On phone and I just didn't see it. I was pretty shocked it was her and it threw me. She asked if I wanted to speak with her and I said no, not really. She said ok, goodbye then and put phone down. I wasn't horrible, I didn't shout, I was honest.
Since then, she's sent me 3 x very long texts wanting to explain why etc etc and has asked for a response from me. I don't know how to respond or indeed if I should respond, but she's trying to turn an awful lot around on me and trying to make me feel guilty for not having tried to contact her children. Her eldest is 10 her youngest almost 4. I haven't been in touch with them because I don't think it's fair involving them, and I also don't want to ge a part time aunty, ie sometimes I'm allowed contact with my nieces and nephews and sometimes not..... I also don't want my DCs to have part time aunty uncle and cousins, so I felt it was better to stay away - but also knowing that I'd always be there for the children if they needed me......

So AIBU?? I'm happy to give more details if anyone wants/needs them, but I know could go on about this forever!!!!! I really don't want to bore anybody!!
Thank you if you got this far xx

Is she apologising for or justifying her behaviour?

If the former, decide if you're ready to forgive her. If the latter, ignore.

Good luck!

Sorry but your sister sounds horrible, who in their right minds tries to run over their own mum! What would she have done if she had really hurt your mum?

I think you are doing the sensible thing by not getting involved as it sounds like she has always behaved this way and isn't going to change.

How do the rest of the family deal with the situation (except from your brother)?

No, YANBU about your Sister. But it is a shame that the children have to be brought into it as well. No practical suggestions about how to deal with that, but it is sad for the children.

text her back this part. it explains how you feel and why you dont want to get caught up in the disagreements. she may have a genuine reason for wanting to get back in touch and may have turned a corner?

I also don't want to ge a part time aunty, ie sometimes I'm allowed contact with my nieces and nephews and sometimes not..... I also don't want my DCs to have part time aunty uncle and cousins, so I felt it was better to stay away - but also knowing that I'd always be there for the children if they needed me......

She sounds awful. The question really is whether you want to resume any type of contact.

If yes, you need to be firm and tell her that you are not going to be treated badly by her anymore, that her behavious has been appalling and that while you would like to see your nephews and nieces you are not going to be drawn back into her games and at the first sign of them you will again cease all contact.

If no, you can either continue to ignore her, or you can write to her (I don't recommend a call given she will likely try to twist the conversation) and set out succinctly why you have ceased all contact and ask her not to contact you again.

Tricky one. I was on the verge of cutting off all-but-absolutely-necessary contact with my sister a few years ago, when she told me she was pregnant with my first DN. I then had to decide that, as I wanted a relationship with my DN, I'd have to deal with her coldness towards me. (Fortunately things have improved between us since then, although I never forget...)

I think it's a shame that your 3 DNs don't have a relationship with their aunty, uncle and cousins. You know that you'll always be there for them, but I'm sure they don't - they just know that they don't see you all.

She sounds as though she has major issues about your DF not being her biological father. Although you, and the rest of your family, may believe he treated her the same as you, it doesn't sound as though that's her perception.

FWIW, I think the two of you should sit down when you won't have any interruptions and properly talk to each other and if possible, try to find some middle ground where your families can see each other. Easy for me to say, can't actually imagine doing this with my sister.

Hi Babylon, I've read a few of your posts and it appears your sister is one of those who can justify anything she does, no matter how awful and she really cannot comprehend that she is ever wrong, that anyone else finds her actions offensive, as far as she sees it everyone else is unreasonable, not her.

I'm afraid, with this type of person you cannot ever do anything to change their mind or make them see your point of view, or understand your feelings, or anyone's feelings, she lives in a world of herself.

The best thing is to continue with no contact, your children will not derive any benefit having regular contact with an unstable aunt, they will just learn how to walk on eggshells around her to not set her off. This is no life, I grew up doing this with my grandma, it is horrible.

No matter what she says she really will never accept any responsiblility for any of her actions and the reason she has contacted you is that she doesn't have anyone to batten onto to take all her crap. She isn't contacting you because she thinks it will do you any good.

That sounds heartless, but remember you may be nice, kind and reasonable...she isn't and she never will be. You could invest 20 years and elicit no change in her, although she would probably get better at manipulating her family the more contact she has with them. You will get nothing but guilt and grief.

So YANBU.

She tried to run your mother over?

This doesn't sound like someone who can be reasoned with.

All those talking about the children 'missing out' aren't considering the impact she will have on your children if she's in their lives. The incident that caused this break was her tantrum at your 2 year old's party. Hopefully your DD2 won't remember that, but if she comes back into your lives they'll be lots more opportunities for her to upset them.

She definitely isn't apologising for her behaviour, she says there are a lot of things that have been kept from me about why she is as she is. I don't think anything has been kept from me, but there are things that are no business/concern of mine regarding her natural father, I didn't know him, and he died shortly after she was born. She is so wound up about her natural parentage as she never knew him, nor did his family know of her existence as she was a result of him having an affair with my mum whilst he was working away from home. Not something I want discuss as happened nearly 40 years ago and is none of my business.

My mum loves her unconditionally, as a mum should, and regardless of anything she will always be her daughter. I would never want to change that, and I would never ask my mum to choose. Likewise my dad, he too loves her unconditionally, but is finding it harder to forgive her outbursts as time goes on as a lot of her anguish is directed at him .

I've never deliberately involved the children in this, when I stopped having contact with her, contact with the children also stopped. I haven't sent birthday/Xmas/Easter gifts as she would only have sent them back ripped up - she did this previously and also sent back stuff our parents bought at Xmas likewise she hasn't acknowledged bday or Xmas for my DCs.

I'm not strong enough to deal with it right now, and my gut feeling is that my life is happier without her in it. I do miss my nieces and nephews though. They have done nothing wrong at all and don't deserve to be involved. Also my 2 DCs are their only cousins atm - and they wont get any from BILs side as he is an only one.....

I know my brother wants nothing to do with her, and having just spoken with him, he is convinced this is just her latest "gameplay" so she can turn it all around that we are the bad guys here for not wanting to have anything to do with her....

'Why she is as she is' doesn't sound like she's taking any responsibility for her behaviour. However traumatic/upsetting/damaging things were for her growing up, she is now an adult, and she can't blame other people for the way she chooses to conduct herself now.

It sounds like she wants you to take sides.

I would say that you love her and her children, and that whatever has gone on with her and your parents is between them and you don't want to be involved in it on either side. You may find that if you send that as a text she'll go back to throwing a tantrum or stop contacting you. Hopefully it will allow you to at least send cards again.

The latest is that she's just yelled at my mum that this is all her fault for our upbringing and we are all the way we are because of her I'm astounded to be honest but it's further compounded that no IANBU!!!

This is a 40 year old woman we're talking about here btw, not a teenager or an immature 20 something....... (not that 20 something's are immature btw)!!!

But really???? FFS!! She's got a screw loose somewhere!!!

That attitude is still there then! Whilst it's still everyone else's fault she's unlikely to start controlling her outbursts.

Do yourself a favour and steer clear. I don't think anyone needs that kind of drama in their life.

she says there are a lot of things that have been kept from me about why she is as she is

How do you know there isn't some kind of skeleton in her closet?

I feel for her not knowing her paternal family. She may have more half bros/sis on that side. Has she ever made attempts to meet them etc...?

However, there is a certain time in our life when, even though we are affected by our upbringing/circumstances, that we have to take responsibility for ourselves. We can't keep blaming other people/things for the way we act. Your sister is old enough to STOP doing it. It doesn't sound like she is there yet and it sounds like she wants to suck you back into her drama's. If you can't cope with it, or are not ready, don't reinitiate contact.

if she is still trying to turn alot roun on you in the texts then she is nowhere near ready to talk is she? dont put yourself through it. if she really is sorry and wants to talk properly then you will be able to tell by the tone of her texts.